Friday, April 29, 2005

This shit is just unfair (DAWG stories #4)

Part I
Part II
Part III
My Definition of a DAWG (on

I just came to the realization of how unfair life is. How come I got 8 million of these DAWG stories? Damn.

Forget what I wrote earlier. I was fucked up and tired and crazy. I couldn't help it. I was out of my mind, high on Pepsi and SunKist. I was talking gibberish, walking around in my drawers. I think I saw Alf and Johnny Carson making out outside my window. And the funny thing I only got to sleep two hours and I was back up again. Everytime I would doze off, I would wake back up two minutes later. And when the morning came, I wasn't fucked up. I was back to being sane. I think it was an adrenaline rush or something. Because i was all cracky and shaky last night, and when the morning came, I was cool and shit. And I thought I would be sleepy when I got home. Nope. I'm on-line, surfing the web.

Today, I will continue on DAWG #2, the one who called me a crackhead. She said several memorable quotes, many of which I don't remember. Here's the ones I do remember:

Sez DAWG: I think we should not spend any money to clean up the Cheaseapeake Bay. I think we should put that money towards, like, civil rights.
Sez person: Its not really about putting government money into civil rights...
Sez DAWG: Hey, stop making fun of me. I have a right to voice my opinion
Sez me: ...however misguided it may be.

Sez person: If we are going to have equal education, then we should get rid of braille, since that is a special thing for blind people only.
Sez other person: Yeah, and then we just might as well shoot em all.
Sez me: Theyd never see it coming.
Sez DAWG: Thats the most evil use of a pun ive heard in my entire life!

Actually, im pretty sure she didnt say "pun." She probably said a "word-trickery-thingy" or some bullshit like that. But thats a DAWG for ya.

In other news: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. President What's-his-face did a speech yesterday. Yippee! Freedom for everybody. It's another great day for the great nation of America. Yadda-Yadda-Yadda. The world is a better place. Now, let's all vomit in unison.

In yet other news: I'm going to do some shoutouts, nhjic, cause thats just the type of person I am.

- Tony Macq does sports, nhjic. Shit is in its infancy, but its still pretty cool. Is this the replacement to the book provided by Jonathan Fitzgerald, no everything? I dont know exactly what the situation is with Fitz, no homo. But anyways. Ch-ch-check it out.

- A Salute to Weed Carriers. 2 Words: Wu-Tang Aint Nuthin ta Fuck Wit! Ok, maybe I meant 7 words.

- Shabooty's Madness. The Internet is a sick, donkey-humping disaster. Find out more here.

- Kanyegate. I'm still lettin motherfuckers know about douchebags, no homo.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

The further adventures of DAWG's

Part I
Part II
My Definition of a DAWG (on

This concerns primarily DAWG #2, the one who called me a crackhead. She, from that day on, hated me, and she started noticing how much I emphasized what an idiot she was. Appearently, she told everybody in her DAWG/DAWB circle this. I never thought of it to be a big deal, but appearently, I had to be hated by DAWG's nationwide.

It started when they asked her a question:
Sez guy: "Is this a national, state, or local issue?"
Sez DAWG: "Both"

I laughed in the corner, and of course, she turned...that made me laugh even more. She told one of her friends to "slap me," which made him laugh, which made me laugh more. Later on, she talked about how the Green Party and Democratic Party "split the vote almost in half," which I just found typically hatin on my man (no homo) Ralph Nader. Come on, last election, he didn't even make a difference. People say Al Gore wouldve won if it wasnt for Nader, and that's typicially dumb reasoning. He wouldve won assuming these people who voted for Nader wouldve voted for Gore, and thats just not neccessarily true. The truth is, Al didnt win those votes. Anyone who just assumes all those votes wouldve gone to Al is assuming too much. If Al won his goddamn home state, then he wouldve won. But damn. Even if he wouldve won, its still not a "split in half," Nader got what, 3% nationwide in either of last 2 elections? Less?

Another new, Irish DAWG made this comment:
Sez person: "We are required by law to have a certain number of fire drills"
Irish DAWG: "Don't we do that during holidays when no one is here?"
Sez everybody: "No..."

Keep in mind she said this after we just had come back from a fire drill.

UPDATE: Appearently, Latino kids account for 75% of lead poisoning deaths in California. Appearently, they poisoned our main food supply: mexican "candy." And when they say candy, theyre talking about this lemon/salt-flavored (i.e. real sour, not like lemonade or anything) white powder. I tried it, and the bullshit is good. Altho I will die from lead poisoning, it was worth it. And no one talks about it. I hear things, chatter. No one's talking about it. It's like its not really happening, just a figment of my imagination.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Oh God No. Oh GOD No.

I was mindin my business when I found this bullshit:

Baby Jesus? Baby Jesus? I know we don't talk much. I know I should pray more. But I'm asking you, just this once, besides the many times I ask for millions of dollars, please don't let the devil make this beeyotch get radio play. Please.

Thank You.

On another note:

Girls have their own Wu-category in the Wu-tang clan name generator. Use it wisely, ladies.

It's a Shame OR How could we forget The Dude, no homo?

How come when we talk about Houston-based Southern rappers that we dont hate, we forget Devin "The Dude" Coleman? DJ Premier this, Bushwick Bill that, Phonte, Andre, The D.O.C., Scarface, blah, blah, blah...Even I sometimes get caught up sayin bullshit like:

"Anyway, I'm trying to think of all the great hip-hop artists that have come from the south besides DOC, Geto Boys, Ludacris, Little Brother, and Outkast."

Damn. I guess I was wrong back then. If only we took the time to look.

One of the biggest appeals of the Dude ( is that he is consistent. But then again, I havent really heard all his shit anyway so maybe I should shut up now. Another tale of not recognizin': Gerson King Combo. Who? Exactly.

One of time I was holding a conversation in broken Portoguese/French/Spanish/English with a Brazilian guy I found (no homo) on Soulseek (P2P Program, nhjic) and somewhere along the conversation, the guy said something like "Gerson King Combo is our James Brown." That's a pretty big fuckin claim. So I went to all Brazilians I knew, and asked him about this dude (no homo.) NO ONE knew what the fuck I was talking about. I downloaded a couple of songs, but I'm not ready to say he's James Brown south of the borders. Downloads:

Gerson King Combo - Uma Chance
James Brown - Funky President

P.S. He's even got the "good god!" thing down.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I still hate Kanye West

Ive posted shit over at the BC Dot C's Kanyegate site. Why? Boredom, mostly. If you want a better explanation is to counteract all this bullshit over the song "Diamonds." Now I havent heard that shit, but I'm sure that it can only be so good because eventually, his boring flow will make his shit sound terrible. He can cover it up by buying lyrics or beats, but he can only cover it up so much. In conclusion, I still hate Kanye West.

Also, I made an epic post about my second experience with a DAWG, but I added so much bullshit details that I thought would make it funnier, but then I realized that it didnt, it just made me look stupid. Or maybe it was funny, and I looked smart.

Anyways children, stay in school and stay away from drugs. Cause this is a true tale, for the ones that deal are the ones that fail. Give money to the needy, for example, me. Right now, I'm pulling like 5 cent a day. Give me three years, however, and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to pull one of them hundred dollar checks. If you dont believe me, ask that brother Show: snatchin hotties, grabbin hotties, lettin' mothafuckers know.

How I define Kanye, NO HOMO.

"You're The Biggest Fucking Crackhead I Know"

OR Brazilians and DAWG's, Pt. 2, Nhjic.

Edit: This post was tooken down because I thought it was stupid, but I got an e-mail and a comment about gettin that bullshit back. So here it is by popular demand. I'm shocked there is a popular demand, as this shit was taken down like 15 minutes after it was posted. So Beauty, Brownie, this shit's for you.

Now, let's begin our story.This happened shortly after the part 1 to this. Read part 1, as it is essential to part 2. Anyways, while those dumb beeyotches were presenting, the teacher told us to take down notes. Of course, no one took them but me. Why? Because I was fuckin' bored. I wrote notes that went something like this:

The Kurds make up 20% of the population in Iraq
The ugly-lookin white girl in the middle is stupid
The dude in green is real nerdy. He's taking this bullshit too seriously.
The Kurds share various religious beleifs with the Sunnis.

The worst part was, I wrote it on the back of my math homework. I was cursing thorughout the shit, so when I had to turn in my homework, I stapled another paper to it and crossed out the notes with a big X. I turned it in and it was all good, I got it back and shit.

Later, back in my government class, we had to take a test. No one knew the bullshit, and I was the only muthafucka with notes. So of course, everyone begged for my notes right before the teacher hands the tests out. A friend asks for the notes, so I hand it to him. Suddenly, I hear a voice, in its usual DAWG whine: "You're the biggest fucking crackhead I know!" I found that shit funny, and as I turn around, I saw a dumb beeyotch, visibly angry. Appearently my friend found it necessary to show it to the DAWG's near him, and that beeyotch got angry. Reason being: she recognized that I wrote that she wasnt too bright (which she wasnt, btw). She continued to look angry, and I just found that even funnier. She asked "why did you have to do this?" and such. Again, I just laughed.

Later, were all taking the test. The DAWG was clearly mad at me. I went to sharpen my pencil and she was right by the pencil sharpener, about to sharpen her own pencil. Trying to annoy her further, I cut right in front of her to use the pencil sharpener on 5 of my pencils and basically everybody else's around me, who I quickly collected just to annoy her. Huge no homo on that one, btw. She asked me why I needed to sharpen that many pencils, and I responded how they werent only for me. She said a buncha other DAWG insults or what have you. The funniest part came when she found it necessary to inform the teacher about how I wrote how dumb I thought she was, and the teacher basically dismissed her. I kept that packet of math work I did, as the notes where inside somewhere. This includes all of Part I and II, as well as Wu-Tang lyrics and the stapling I did to the notes so that my math teacher wouldnt see my profanity, as well as the last quote "your're the biggest fucking crackhead I know" scribbled on. I'll sell that bullshit for money, email me. Excerpts:

Girl in skirt = DAWG #1 who eats shit off the floor
middle girl/retarded girl = DAWG #2 who calls me a crackhead
BMR = My Brazilian friend. No homo.

Part I
Girl in skirt = still eating the apple slice from the floor
Blonde girl's nose is fugged up
Girl in skirt hasnt finished eating apple from the floor, so she hasnt spoken
Blonde Girl: "The world would implode!"
Teacher: "Why does the U.S. have to project its anything thruout the world?"
BMR: "Because....God Bless America."
Teacher: "That's right."

Part II
The Green dude lays down the law
Small dude + middle girl are not that smart
Mid Girl: "The three countries are touching"
Mid Girl: "We're not stealing ALL the oil"
Mid Girl: "They [as in entire race of people] should just move"
Retarded girl dislikes green dude
Short guy and quiet guy fear retarded girl
...Quite the picklish situation...
Teacher: "Have you talked to the UN"
Mid Girl: "Duh!"
Teacher: "What do you owe the US?"
Me, from the audience: "Y'know, a piece of gum..."
BMR, from the audience: "...and some straws."

Count Chocula > Chocolate Lucky Charms

Despite their resemblance, the Count has the Mindset of a Champion Kerry will never have. Nhjic.

We all know Lucky Charms is no good of a cereal. It's way too generic-tasting. Aside from the marshmellows, which are pretty average, the whole thing is unedible when compared to finer products. I was shocked that General Mills added Chocolate to create "Chocolate Lucky Charms." I found out watching Conan O'Brien, as he ate it and exclaimed that "this is the best cereal ever!", probably as a joke. I took the cereal for a test bowl yesterday. I was a little excited, no homo, because the idea of chocolate cereal with marshmellows is pure genius in its simplicity. As I ate it, I was disappointed. It's basically the same bland bullshit with a little chocolate. The marshmellows, besides being mos def teh ghey, havent changed. It all tastes like cardboard more than a cereal should. Its basically exactly what you would think it would taste like. An improvement over regular Lucky Charms? Sure. But it's still no Count Chocula, as Count Chocula has both better marshmellows, and more importantly, better whole grain cereal pieces. In conclusion, you may want to try Chocolate Lucky Charms as a novelty, but its still not touching the top cereals. Nhjic. It's what every young man should learn everyday when they watch Rap City or check out MTV Jams or watch BET Uncut.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Homophobia to the max!

First off, I need to no homo that last statement (i.e. the title.)

Okay. Considering the success of my last website/blog combo, the "Operation: Slap a Dropout" blog and the "222 Reasons I Hate Kanye West" site (also hosted on Bol C's Kanyegate Site), I have decided to launch a site to go along with this blog. Check it out (there's a lot of shit, so be patient if it only loads the background image and not the riveting articles at first):

(if that link doesnt work try this:

Anytime a regular "no homo" wont work, just link to that site.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Google knows the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything

I know this is old news, but I think I should share for the people who don't know.

Ok. We all know Google has a calculator, right? Just type a math problem, like 3-2, and it will display the answer. Ok. Type in, exactly, as follows:

the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything

and the Google Calculator will tell you the answer. The people who understand the reference the calculator makes = nerdy. I would'ven't got it, if it wasn't for some website I found. Anyways, I don't trust Mos Def in a Sci-fi movie. nhjic. But I personally think this shit'll be a classic, a fuckin' hit. Plus, it'll be edgy enough that the hipsters and the fuckin' wasteland bloggers will write about the shit.

Nah. I'm kiddin.

LTDMK = All Grown Up (nhjic) OR Hit # 30,000

Hit #30,000 shouldve registered on the hit counter by the time I post this beeyotch up. Nhjic. I don't have much to type about but that. I had something but then it just went away.

And then, right here, in this second paragraph, I was going to tell you all the cool things I was gonna write about. And I planned on linking this to my continued dysfuntional relationship with Blogger. Nhjic. But the moment has passed.

So instead, I'm going to introduce a new contest. The first 30,000 people who email me will get a copy of the Main Ingredient's overlooked 1974 album, "The Euphrates River." Any females ages 10-58 who send me naked pictures of themselves also get an audio version of "Killin 'Em Softly" by Dave Chappelle plus his show in SF.

About that age thing: Just kidding. Ha-Ha. If this is the FBI reading this shit, that was a joke. I was joking. I really meant 12-58. HO. I'm joking again. Please don't come to my house at 5 in the morning and take me out in handcuffs. I was joking. Har-Har.

To the people who havn't noticed what i've been doing (nhjic) the past 4 days or so in my posts, here's a hint: I'm all about that copyright infringement.

Invest in Me!

Let me preface this with a rather large No Homo. I dont know if it really can be read as gay, but one can never be too careful, right?

I can't believe this shit. It's unbelievable, said as if I was doing a really bad Barbarino impression. BlogShares is appearently some sort of retarded game in which you invest "money" in blogs. I'm not sure what the point of it is, or how it helps me, but it doesnt hurt. This is all the evidence i need in order to convince you:

Okay, nobody's stock is rising like mine. That shit is going straight up. No homo.
Here's the link if you want to see all of the charts and numbers. No disrespect, but compare that to Fitz:

I'm not making this shit up. Here's the numbers.

Not only that, but my link is worth B$2,607.05. Again, no disrespect but compare that to Eviction Notice: B$73.33. Now if those arguments wont make you go spend irrelevant "fantasy money" on my blog, which will help no one in any way, shape, or form, nothing will. Nhjic.

Also, A Salute to Weed Carriers is killin shit too. The price jumped from B$275 to B$3,288. Thats B$3,013 in 6 days. Look out for a new post there from me either today or tomorrow. If not, the next day. And so on.

Links Revamped at 3:30 AM

My links section has been totally revamped. Well, not totally. But its much better. Included are the Wu-names of people I link to. If you would like to use an alternate Wu-name, feel free. If youd like me to add you to my links, my only conditions are:

1) You link to me
2) You have listened to "Enter the Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers" at least thrice
3) Your shit is worth reading, even if I don't actually read that shit.
4) You can name a Rick James song other than "Superfreak"
5) You at least know who Rick Riley is.

Speaking of Rick James, It was a shock. I was sitting here checking out a site and I saw the shit hit on the news. Dude died young. Unfortunately when you live hard like he did, there's a pretty good chance you won't make it into your sixties. And if you do, you'll most likely end up mentally and physically fucked up. Part of me feels for Rick. Nhjic. And yet, he did rape a woman, holding her hostage down in his basement, fuckin' tormenting her with his girl at the time. And I can't have love for a man that does shit like that. Not that I would have love for a man that doesnt do shit like that. However, it makes me feel dirty showing my respects.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Will Smiff = Ghostwritten by Royce da 5'9''?

When I did my infamous Will Smith review, nhjic, I joked a little about Will biting a line from Royce, as if he even listened to Royce:

And then, he quotes Royce Da 5'9'' (possibly unintentionally): "a buncha cliques I probably rap circles around". I'm pretty sure some guy "co-wrote" this shit, Kanye West-style, since its about the only time when he's using metaphors and shit. Wait, Royce ghostwrote for Dre, right?

I was re-listening to Royce's "Boom", which the line about cliques and circles is found. And I relive that day like it was yesterday. Maybe it was yesterday. I don't know. But coincidentally, I found another line that Will borrowed. I thought, this shit wasnt unintentional. The ironic part is the Will song makes it a point how he's not following anybody and he's his own man and what not. Here's the lyrics of the chorus:

"Why should I try to sound like ya'll sound
That's what's wrong with the rap game right now
Man, it's like a circus wit a bunch of clowns
Wit a bunch of clicks I'll probably rap circles around

Sez Royce Nickel-Nine:
"Rap now is a circus of clowns
A whole lotta lip from cliques I probably rap circles around

So of course there's 2 ways to interpret this.

Inner conspiracy theorist: This shit was ghostwritten by Royce. There's always been rumors It's a well-known fact that Will gets shit ghostwritten. It's a well-known fact that Royce was a ghostwriter for Dr. Dre. And Royce is lettin us know he wrote that shit by self-referencing himself, also making fun of Willie, who says "Original - A first form from which varieties arise / An authentic work of art as opposed to an imitation or reproduction"

Person who assumes the best: Will is being very smart. Not only is he talking about people doing the same shit over and over, but he does it himself to show how the rap game corrupts its artists.

As you can see, "Person who assumes the best" is an idiot.
Final veredict: Royce wrote for Will, Kanye West-style. No homo.

In related news...
Has anyone noticed how teh ghey the lyrics to "Mothership Connection" are?

"If you hear any noise
It's just me and the boys
Hit me
Stop, and let me ride

"If you hear noise...its me and the boys"? "Hit me"? "Let me ride"? At least put a no homo or two in there, man. Plus there's this pic of George Clinton and Anthony the Crackhead from RHCP:

Friday, April 22, 2005

Fred Hoiberg = MVP

Fitz and J-Dub have had a little back-and-forth (nh) over who's the mvp. The white guy says its the probably retarded Shaquille O'Neal, and the other white guy says its that weird canuck Steve Nash. Personally, I gotta give it up for Fred Hoiberg. No homo. Hoib hits almost 50% from the field and from the 3-pt line (first in the league). So its not a matter of him not being able to score, its just that he lets others shoot. KG's PPG dropped, and that would have destroyed the team, if it wasnt for Hoiberg. He kept them reasonably afloat. Not only that, but when Hoib didnt play for 6 games, they went 1-5. That shows how Fred is a much better player than anybody. How anyone can deny the Hoib his MVP title is beyond me.

I know alot of you want me to give my opinion on every little detail about the season. Matter of fact, I was thinking about doing a season-end review about everything. But I decided against it, because I'm lazy as fuck. Plus, I got nothing to say. The truth is I can barely remember half of last month, let alone the other half of the season.

Marky Mark = Gully? (nh)

According to, juvenile delinquent turned rapper turned male model turned B list actor Marky Mark Wahlberg is trying to initiate some beef (normally i would put a no homo right about here, but right now im not sure Wahlberg's motives arent homosexually driven) with everyones favorite irrelavent rapper, Eminem. He blasted Eminem (nh?) basically saying that if he (Wahlberg) were to make a movie about his life then it wouldnt be like some "some 8mile bullshit" where there are rap offs and free style battles and the such. I guess ol' Marky has some right to talk, back in his day he did stomp a jig or two out and ended up in juvy. If I was Eminem I wouldnt fuck with a cat like that (nh).

I emailed the pope OR Everybody looks like Emperor Palpatine

More on that later. First, let me tell you this is Day 106, Hour 18 of LTDMK. That's 9,223,200 seconds. This means I get approximately 11.3 hits per hour. This is since the second my first post was published to now. Btw, I wouldnt look into my first or second month. It's all crap. I mean, please, my shit reads like it was written by monkeys, albeit, very intelligent monkeys. But still, monkeys nonetheless.

Now, back to the pope. He has an email address, one in Italian and one in English. Even though almost half of the Catholics in the world are Hispanics, but, who gives a shit about them? It's not like we own computers or anything. So I wrote to the Pope:

Subject: My children

Hello, Mr. Pope. Can I call you that? Anyways. My children have been listening to the rap music. I've been particularly troubled by many of the fellows who sing the rap music, most notably Snoop Doggy Dogg and DJ Quik. Here are some lyrics:

"I sip a little tea then light up my weed
I slip on my rubber out the cover then I proceed
to give yo' little thick ass what you need
gangsta gangsta I'll make ya cootie cat scream
Didn't I turn ya on, like a phone?
you lovin' that Doggy Dogg meaty bone
When ya moan ya whole voice tone
make me wanna put my bizalls in ya jizaws
'cause y'all know what I'm gettin' at I'm spittin' at


"You see I'm 5'11", my dick is size seven
and if a hooker's fine I can stretch to a nine
It goes deep (how deep?) All up in that shit
I'll fuck a pussy dry cuz I don't know how to quit
I'm 19 (say what?), so I'm a young ass man
My eyes are brown and my skin is tan
So pull them cotton-ass panties right down to ya knees
if you wanna take part in a proper-ass skeez

Does Baby Jesus approve of these lyrics? If not, how can I stop my little Jasper and my little Maude from listening to such lyrics?

David Blake
And no, my name is not David Blake, I dont have children, and if I did, I wouldnt name them "Jasper" or "Maude."

I'm sure everybody by now knows that Cardinal Ratzinger AKA Pope Benedict looks like Emperor Palpatine. Actually more like Senator Palpatine. I cant find a picture in which he's wearing that robe and they look the same. More "Emperor looks like..."

Thursday, April 21, 2005

In conclusion, White Power

First off: to cmoney: those posts did come off exactly as I planned it. I was testing 3-way calling using audioblogger to see if i could record a conversation. Who I called had an answering machine, but at least my test was succesful. Why do I want that? More on that tomorrow. On wid da show.

I'm going to write about one of my experiences with a DAWG. I just recently coined the term, and its on I know alot of people hate those diary-style posts. But you know what? Fuck you. I'm not charging you money or anythin. I hate all you bitches too.

Nah. Im kiddin. I love you all. NO HOMO if youre a male.

Anyways. A while back, I had to do a prensentation about the Middle East, with my older, Brazillian metal-head friend. No homo. The other people went first. My Brazillian friend sat next to me. Again, no homo. He pointed out a half-bitten slice of an apple on the floor. It wasnt even on the red part you might peel off, but it was touching all of the light yellowish part. And no, I dont give a fuck what theyre called. Anyways, a little time goes off. Suddenly, I look towards the floor where the apple slice was. A DAWG picks the half-bitten apple slice of the floor and eats it. I thought that was extremely weird, so I of course informed my Brazillian friend of this. Weirder still, I also noticed that where the apple slice was, she had put 2 new, unbitten apple slices. I just started laughing, not sure how to react to something like that. It might be that in whichever cracka-ass cracka family she comes from, its customary to eat your meals off the floor. Eating soup, especially on a carpeted home, must be a bitch, tho. Anyways, she and her group went up to do their presentation, and the DAWG never spoke cause she was still eating the apple slice she got from the floor. I laughed all the way thru that one. Then, it was my group's turn. When the teacher asked a question that no one knew the answer to, my Brazillian friend said "because...God blessed America." To my suprise, they said that was right. Of course, in our next essay, we both ended with "In conclusion, God Bless America." Nhjic. Of course, we both got a perfect score on that. Of course, I had to push it, no homo. Next essay, I ended with "In summary, God Bless AmeriKKKa" and I still got a perfect score on my essay. By the end of the year, I ended with "In conclusion, White Power." And of course, I got a perfect score on that.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Go, Cut Creator, Go

I'm happy to report that Bryan Philpot, better known as "Cut Creator", has been helped by the fundraiser. We got him employed in a Texas A&W (that franchise is big there, no homo). Not only that, but the money donated was used for his food, and listen to this report by rocketman1515:

Yeah he is around, he is just hangin around gettin fat, and I aint talkin PHAT

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Feed the old DJ's

Coming Soon to LTDMK: a "feed the old DJ's" fund raiser. There's a lot of starving old-school DJ's in the world, and it's time we do our part.

People already helped by this project:

First project: Jazzy Jeff
Jazzy had always had a reputation that exceeds Will Smiff, his much, much, much, much, much, much more famous partner (no homo). Even so, and with solo albums, he had to make a rather weak beat for Willie's album intro just to feed himself and his family (does he even have one?). He can thank me for promising Willie a good review in exchange for giving Jeff some $. No homo.

Second project: DJ Hurricane
Hurra, after being left to die, has been helped. This former Run-D.M.C. non-weed carrier has an album now with Kweli, Xzibit, Monch, PE, Papoose, G. Rap, etc. Its currently selling used for 10 cents on

People who still need our help:

Third project: DJ Yella
Question: How many of you know his real name? How many know what he looks like? The name of any recent projects he's been in? How many of you even mention his ass when you talk about NWA?

Fourth project: DJ K La Boss
Alot of us don't even know who he is. Try a google image search and see if his picture comes up. Know one knows what the hell happened to him. I think its reasonable that K would've been almost as well-known as JMJ (in terms of EPMD's popularity vs. Run-D.M.C.'s popularity) if it weren't for EPMD splitting up. I mean, they shout him out and he has a scratch part in "You Gots to Chill" as well as many other classic songs. There was even a song called "DJ K La Boss" on "Strictly Business", in which neither E nor P rhymed. Regardless, PMD sunk and so did K La Boss.

Fifth project: Easy Lee
The good folks at Ultrablognetic mentioned this dude. He said that he imagined Lee back in the day thinking "Kool Moe Dee is gonna beat this punk-ass LL Cool J and i'mma be floating in diamonds!"

Sixth project: Cut Creator
To which I responded: "Is Cut Creator really floating in diamonds? Fuck that, is Cut Creator currently employed?" to which he responded "Is he even alive?" If he is, we gotta go feed this poor man. No homo.

Pope JPII > Pope Benedict XVI

News story.

Say what you will about JPII, but he was way fuckin pimp. Snoop wasnt on that level. Roger Troutman wasnt on that level. Hell, even Superman wasnt on that level. This new cracka-ass cracka...first off, he's German. And I'm sorry, at 78, isnt this dude most likely somewhat Nazi? He's ugly. Whatever. I think that with the next pope conclave bullshit, which is going to be in like, 4 years, they should choose a person not from Europe. Make it from South America, Africa, Asia, Mexico, the Caribbean, even a non-cracka from the U.S. of A. I dont know if the world's ready for that, but i think its time, regardless.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Im Mike Jones (Who?) Mike Jones (Who?)

Unless you dont listen to the abyss that is hip hop radio, you have heard this fool rap (or at least attempt to) on his song "Still Tippin". I understand that people from the south, for the most part, inherently cannot rap. However Mike Jones brand of sucking for some reason irritates me more than normal (NH). Not only does he rap off the beat on this song, but also he repeats himself over and over throughout his verse. His part on the song concludes with him saying "back then (they) didn't want me, now im hot (they) all on me", four times. Now someone with skill, like say The Notorious One could get away with shit like that, not this jig. Please, I beg you mr. Jones, for the good of hip hop, please stop rapping. please. Thank you.

Makaveli? Wrong Name.

As you may or may not know, 2Pac adopted the name "Makaveli" for his album, "The 7 Day Theory". The cover referenced Makaveli to be Jesus. This is what it looks like:

Well, 2Pac chose the name in reference to author Niccolò Machiavelli. Needless to say, Machiavelli was not Jesus. He was just an author who's most well-known book is called "The Prince". Machiavelli knew a man named Cesare Borgia personally. Machiavelli used many of Cesare Borgia's exploits and tactics as examples in "The Prince". Borgia was the illegitimate son of Pope Alexander VI (real name: Rodrigo Borgia.) Both Cesare and Rodrigo were ruthless, some would even say evil. One day, Pope Alexander VI had artists paint religious pictures. All the pictures used Cesare Borgia as the model for Jesus. The image stuck. The image the general public would identify as Jesus is actually Cesare Borgia, star of "The Prince" and a child to a ruthless pope and his mistress. Here is a picture of Cesare Borgia:

And that's how the idea that Jesus was a tall, white european was born. If 2Pac called himself not the author but the man it was based on ("Borgia") and shown himself on a cross, it'd be strangely normal, right in a way but fundamentally flawed.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Will Smith - Lost and Found (Album Review)

That cover is dope

01 Here He Comes 1 Star
This shit is pretty corny. Produced by Jazzy Jeff, the beat aint that bad, but Will sings to the tune of the original Spider-man theme, and its just corny. The lyrics are word-for-word his "freestyle" on tim westwood's show over the "how we do beat". He shoulda used that. It's OK for an album intro kinda song

02 Party Starter 4 Stars
Now, this is the first real song. It's pretty obvious what this is trying to do: start a party. It mixes your usual dirty south-influenced party beat with a catchy, italian-influenced melody. No, its no lyrical masterpiece, but it does its job. I actually like this "screaming Will" sorta flow more than his usual "corny Will" flow.

03 Switch 1 ½ Stars
This is the lead single. The beat is a basic mix of drums and bass, or should I say claps and bass, produced by Kwame (Banks's "On Fire"). This chorus is pretty annoying. You probably heard it, it goes "Swiiiiiiiiiiiiitch" but sounding like "He-eeeeeeeeeyyy". Will cannot carry this song, his flow was never anything special, nor his lyrics.

04 Mr. Nice Guy 4 ½ Stars
This chorus sounds like Nate Dogg's little brother. The beat uses a electric guitar and some occasional piano sample. This is basically about how Willie's got a be a nice guy, since he's perceived as a nice guy. One of his better lyrical moments. He "disses" Eminem by basically saying that his diss didnt bother Will: "Dissed by Eminem but did it bother him (yup) / But he classy, Big Will just get another 20 mil" and dissing Wendy Williams, who started a rumor that both Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith are teh ghey and married each other to protect their secret: " better leave me alone / Before I buy your radio station and send you home". This song also basically say how he has to keep up his image and how sometimes he's mad and he's gotta bottle up his anger, as well as people who suggest he's not black enough. Thats all great, but there is a sing-song part at the end which is corny as hell.

05 Mr. Holy Roller 4 Stars
The chorus aint so great. The beat is prety basic, but in a good way. Not the greatest shit ever tho. This is actually another rather impressive lyrical display, esp coming from Will. He says how born-again christians are hypocrital and even asks the question "If I don’t believe, would you believe I’m going to Hell?".

06 Lost & Found 4 ½ Stars
This beat has a great violin loop as well as some scratching. He disses the industry calling it "a circus with a buncha clowns". And then, he quotes Royce Da 5'9'' (possibly unintentionally): "a buncha cliques I probably rap citcles around". I'm pretty sure some guy "co-wrote" this shit, Kanye West-style, since its about the only time when he's using metaphors and shit. Wait, Royce ghostwrote for Dre, right? Regardless, this shit is pretty good.

07 Tell Me Why feat. Mary J. Blige 5 Stars
The obvious comparison is to Jadakiss - "Why?" since he asks a buncha questions, including the Biggie and Pac one. Another comparison can be made to Nas - "One Mic" since appearently Will gets angrier and starts shouting. I dont like Mary J. at the beggining when she goes "Whyyyy?". The beat uses a light guitar and a little synth melody, strings, piano, and a buncha other things, as it evolves like "One Mic". Will starts discussing 9/11, but you gotta say that this dude needs to avoid his moments of corny-ness when discussing this, which doesnt happen up to the second line: "September 11th, I woke up about 7 AM / West coast time, French toast and my Turkey bacon". Anyways, he actually has great lyrics after that:

"My son said, "Daddy were there people in that building?"
A cold sweat, frozen with a lump in my chest
I heard his question, couldn't bring my lips to say "Yes" to him
Then one week later our bombs were dropped
We seein' them on CNN, they just won't stop
The infrared images of brutal attack
He said, 'Daddy now we killin' em back'

Mary's part after that is much improved, and then is where Willie, Mr. Nice guy, gets angry. Will goes into making every line a question, Jadakiss-style. Its like Jada's song, except without dumb-ass gangsta references and "why dont ya sip cris" and such. And then Will does the unthinkable: he curses! That kind of underscores his anger, but dont worry, its bleeped for the kids:

"Tell me why did that sniper make the little boy shoot?
...Why did my brother Sterling have to die at that age?
Tell me why did Reginald Denny deserve his fate?
& why the f*@k can't love seem to defeat hate?
Tell me why is it so hard for all the children to eat?
Why did Pac & Biggie Smalls have to fall in the street?
Tell me why did Jam Master Jay have to go that way?
Please what am I supposed to say to my kids when they say [Mary J:] Whyyyyyy?

Miss Mary's part (Whyyyy) is better now. Willie goes for a third verse, which is sort of a letdown in that it is ordinary, but still good. Overall, this is the best song Big Will has ever done, as far as I'm concerned.

08 I Wish I Made That / Swagga 3 Stars
This album shoulda ended on "Tell Me Why". I know, its 7 tracks, but thats when the album peaked. Unfortunately, were not even halfway through the album. This shit aint all that bad per se, but it is rather disappointing. It uses a synthezised string loop and some pretty hard, but standard, drums. Will is probably the only rapper who'll ever brag about David Letterman liking his shit. He again adresses people calling him 'soft' or his lack of radio play. He sarcastically asks if he should go rob a truck for guns and use drugs to be "black enough." He then quotes "Lean Back", "Get Back" and "Drop it like It's Hot" on the chorus, like: "'Drop it like it's hoooooot, I wish I woulda made that." Not to deny this shit its bright spots, but this song is mediocre and the topic gets a little old.

09 Pump Ya Brrakes feat. Snoop Dogg 3 Stars
After quoting the doggfather, Snoop shows up himslef. OK, maybe I'm wrong, but didnt Snoop have a song called "Brake Fluid (Bitches Pump Yo Brakes)"? Regardless, you get a standard Snoop appearence, meaning interesting but not all that good. The beat is bassy, with rhythmic percussion. Unfortunately Will has nothing real good to say. Snoop does the chorus, and its pretty good, as some guy scratches in "Pump yo brakes!" and the beat adds a synth. The song is about stopping violence at clubs. Thats a pretty Will Smith-ish type of approach to a club song, altho I dont beleive Snoop gives a shit, and it by his verse, he cant even fake interest, appearently.

If U Can’t Dance (Slide) feat. Nicole of Pussycat Dolls 1 Star
This album continues rolling down hill. They shoudlve definitely put "Scary Story" as track 10 and possibly the Switch reggae mix as track 11 and be done with it. This is basically his latest movie "Hitch" in song format, as he tries to give advice to the non-dancing folk out there. It has unlistenable parts and not anything interesting in between. Its an OK song concept, but Will just cant pull it off, and Nicole doesnt really help.

11 Could U Love Me? 2 Stars
This shit is pretty unoriginal. Its the "would you love me if I wasnt rich?" song, which is especially ridiculous since he's married to Jada Pinkett-Smith, who doesnt need his money at all. The guitar and bass is actually pretty good, altho the guitar part sounds like "Frontin'" by Pharrell and Jay-Z. You know, like HUH, dut, dut, HUH, dut, dut (no homo). Dont tell me you dont know. Again, Royce (or whomever's writing for him, or Will if hes writing for himself) has a rather well-written part about the importance of rap to him:

"I pray before I sit with a pen and a pad
A birth of a thought occurs, and it calls me dad
And to the universe an idea, released from me
Just a CD? Nah man, a piece of me
But you can't see it that when you be dancin, B
As I asked you a question that's how you answer me
So when you don't dance it be like I'm chokin from cancer
Like I wrote rancid rhymes, I can't survive, sure
I rationalize, like oh I see
But if you don't like my cut it's like you don't like me

Well, I sorta dislike you for this one, Will. No hater.

12 Loretta 2 Stars
This is like a G-rated version of "Stan". Think about that for a second. How would Eminem's song be without crazy, suicidal tendencies in Stan? Probably a little like this. Loretta is obsessed, but not crazy. It's not all that interesting. The piano on effects beat isnt all that good. Near the end "Shouting Will" returns, and the beat gets better. I'd rather listen to "Stan".

13 Wave 'Em Off 2 Stars
Another electric guitar beat, except only ocassionaly using them. Whoever does the chorus makes it all annoying instead of good. It's about "waving off" the negative people, which is educated Mr. Nice Guy talk for "dem hataz". Will's flow still hurts songs, this one especially.

14 Scary Story 2 3/4 Stars
At the beggining, Will is going "boom, bam, boom bam" while a child talks, and that was garbage. thankfully, the "boom, bam" stops and a synth plays that part. It has rather annoying vocals that come on in the beat that take away from the desired creepiness of the piano loop. The scary story's plot becomes obvious: this is an autobiography. The chorus isnt all that great. Will Smith does pretty good (not great) in recalling his tale, but his flow isnt...what it should be for this song. its hard to describe, but it seems off.

15 Switch (R&B Remix) feat. Robin Thicke 1 ½ Stars
Better than the original, the synth bassline is pretty good although its piano loop gets annoying, as well as a sing-song part. The chorus is OK, but nothing special.

16 Bonus Track - Switch (Reggae Remix) feat. Elephant Man 2 ½ Stars
Theree versions of "Switch" is pretty unneccesary. Elephant Man does his usual thing, which I enjoy here, no homo. I like how this beat conveys the energy intended better with its amount of synths and its deep, booming bass kicks. The sing-song part is actually OK over this beat. The lyrics are what they used to be, meaning not all that great.

While Will's flow is rather corny and some parts of songs are unlistenable, this album makes up for it with Will's occasionally great lyrics and generally good beats. Basically, you get what you expect, only much better. If you never liked his flow, youre not gonna like it now, even tho at times he alters it. You also get something you wouldnt expect, which is introspection and depth and new song concepts. The album really picks up and peaks at track 7, and is basically downhill from there. I would never expect to be here talking about Will Smith's album being better than Eminem's, but here I am.

Score: 2.765625
Rounded to: 3 out of 5 Stars

What the tracklisting shouldve been:
01 "How We Do" Freestyle
02 Party Starter
03 Switch (Reggae Remix) feat. Elephant Man
04 I Wish I Made That / Swagga
05 Pump Ya Brrakes feat. Snoop
06 Scary Story
07 Mr. Nice Guy
08 Mr. Holy Roller
09 Lost & Found
10 Tell Me Why feat. Mary J. Blige

Friday, April 15, 2005

The truth on "no homo"

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Carson Daly is irrelevant by design

Carson Daly, despite the lack of humor or comedic timing, has a show right after Conan O'Brien. That fact alone insults my entretainment. No rider, but the Cone Zone's interviews are funny and dynamic even with guests I couldn't give a shit about. Carson can barely make his COMEDY bits funny. He employs Conan's beaten-to-death self-pity comedy, which, still works for Conan because of his delivery/etc, but has never worked for Carson because, simply put, he is inherently not funny. Recently, I came to the realization that Carson's show is not meant to be all that funny. After all, he lacks a monologue. So what is the purpose? Music. Think about it: he has a "house band" or a dj or whatever, plus a guest musical artist. This is great if you enjoy loud rock music at 2 AM, but to us insomniacs (Carson's main audience), it sucks (no homo). Which brings me back to Carson, no homo. His interviews lag. Comedy can be used for both Matt and Johnny Damon's interviews, but Carson's musical knowledge doesn't make an interview with Ben Affleck interesting. Not that he has any. Remember, this dude had a show on both Hot 99.5 and MTV. And he never interviews a musical artist and really delves deep into music. All this makes Carson filler between rock bands, on his own motherfuckin show, mind you. Carson Daly is irrelevant to his own show by design.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I don't hate Will Smith (no rider)

I wish I could download clothes and food. Then I'd be straight. But anyways, this Will Smith hate is misplaced. Dude has built a good career on rap and acting. He's gotten his money, he's gotten his wife and kids. So why the hate? This man has gotten a hit in 3 decades running. Don't think that shit is easy. Who else (in ANY genre of music) can make that claim? Alot of people will say he sold out, but do you rather want to be Jazzy Jeff, wherever this dude is, or Will, with the long running sitcom on NBC, the multi-million dollar acting career, and the well-known rap songs, all while banging Jada Pinkett Smith on the side? I even heard that his new album, "Lost & Found" isn't bad at all. I should clarify that I don't think he's an incredible actor or MC, but why he gets grouped with Vanilla Ice and other jokes is beyond me.

Bush be trippin' or The USA is whack, yo

I'm done with crazy

After having a weird, embarassing, protracted argument with himself several times in the comments section to this post, he sent me this:

From: "wayne world"
Yo, on the strength, If I ever see you in person, i'm going to punch you in your fucking head as hard as I can!!!!!!!!!You don't know me !!!You don't even know how old I am, that's what I told you. But on the real, if I catch up with you , I am a man of my word!!!!!And I am going to Howard in a minute, I'll be sure to ask around for you!!!!!Yo , leave me the FUCK ALONE LOUIS!!!!!!!!!

as you can see, he ended EVERY SINGLE motherfuckin sentence with more than 1 exclamation mark. seriously, has anyone seen this dude not sound like he's high on something? also, he fucked up my name (what does he think I am? italian?) anyways, i responded:

From: "Spam Me"
Subject: lighten up
To: "wayne world"

1) learn how to spell my name.
2) punch me? what are you talking about?
3) i was kidding with the 46 years
4) i really dont get why youre mad at me.
5) try me:
14650 Keenlaned Circle
Gaithersburg, MD 20878

Is this you, by any chance:
[I'm going to widthold this information, since appearently he thinks he's in the witness protection program, on some Goodfellas-type shit.]

EVERYBODY thinks you are being ridiculous. What do you want me to do? What did I do to piss you off so much? Fuck it, ill make a post saying that Im houston if that makes you feel better. it doesnt change the fact, but still.

Your Father

In case you haven't noticed, this old dude is threatening to go punch me out and I just gave him my home address, which proves how empty I feel his threat is. Now, I'm going to delete all those posts which deal with this shit. I am a bit embarassed that I even was involved in was really silly. My sincere apologies to the people who got weirdly dragged into this...whatever "this" was.

As far as me being Houston:
I'm not even going to bother with this. The idea blows several holes into the space/time continium, like me not knowing whether he had quit, or me not liking the fact that he quit, or him having a conversation with "me" in the comments to someone's blog, and it turns out it wasnt me but some guy using my name. How could I (as Houston) have a conversation with the fake me (guy using my name) and not notice? Like I said, its a waste of time to bother with this anymore.

On a lighter note:
Check out "A Salute to Weedcarriers", the best new blog there is. So good, in fact, that the BC dot C has a whole post on it. And besides, I contributed a 2Pac post. That's always good.

">because honestly, this is how school shootings happen.
Yep, crazy white people who can't take a joke

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Fuck Method Man (no homo)

A while back, I had completed a beat. It's use of a light guitar and sped-up vocal samples gave it a feel similar to some "love rap" songs. Love rap has gotten a bad rep thanks to the likes of Fabolous and 50 Cent, but have you heard "The Light" by Common? Anyways, I was content with this, but then, a revelation occured. Macq pointed out that the beat reminded him of another sub-category of rap with a bad rep. It went something like this (this happened like 2 months ago):

macq: that sounds like a song you would smoke to
me: I guess you could say that
me: oh, thats it!
macq: something about the whiny, high-pitched sounds makes it sound like something you would smoke weed to
me: no, no, no....thats it...a song in which a guy compares his love for weed to his love for a woman!
me: and it makes perfect sense since the chorus goes: "you must be an angel, cause things made sense...before you came"
me: now, all we need is a rapper who smokes a ton of weed
macq: lol wheres method man when you need him

So, of course, I went to Method Man's site. I sent him an e-mail and asked him a question in his "Q&A" section. I gave him the whole idea and valid contact info. But, unfortuneately, I never got word from Meth. I started giving up hope, looking for someone else (no homo).

me: are there any rappers notorious for smoking weed besides meth and red?
me: and snoop
fly: afroman...but he doesnt really count.
fly: fabolous talks about weed all the time...

so basically...that led nowhere. today, I was shocked when I went to and found a review to the Likwit Junkies' "The L.J.'s" album:

"Over Babu's crawling, hypnotizing beat .... Defari playfully uses a woman as a metaphor for his love for tree smoke on "The Good Green."

So there you go. Method Man's inability to respond cost me fame and fortune. The concept is one song away from being tired. Fuck Method Man (no homo).

"New Shit!" like Clue tapes

First off, my new blog, a tribute to Big Daddy Kane:

Second off, look for me to contribute to Robbie's "a salute to weedcarriers"

Monday, April 11, 2005

Worst. Songs. Ever.

So...Bloggystyle has been on the attack from terrible music. I recently added my embarassingly large knowledge of bad pop music. Look out for more bad music.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Houston emails the mo'fuckin NAACP

So in my daily quest to marry Mimi, I was shocked when I checked my email and found a simple (yet shocking) message:

From: "Mimi"
To: "Houston"
Subject: Re:

heh. whatever. i don't date black guys.

after i had a heart attack, i did the rational thing to do: i emailed the NAACP.

From: "Houston"
Subject: issue

hello. i have been trying to marry this girl mimi for a while now, and i was shocked when she told me (and i quote): "whatever. i don't date black guys." following my ensuing shock and outrage, i tried to collect myself, and i stand here, before you, asking for help. you see, the the "ACP" in your name stands for "Advancement of Colored People", and i am a colored person, and marrying her would advance me.

thank you
-Houston S.

I got a "Mail Delivery" error, so I just sent the same letter to the Houston branch of the NAACP (, for anybody who wants to know). I wrapped my day by sending this email to Mimi:

From: "Houston"
Subject: Re:
To: "Mimi"

my man (no homo) djxplicit has translated that poem into spanish. show it to all of your friends.

Dame Tus Huellas, Para Usarlas De Zapatos.
Dame Tus Dudas, Para Hacerme Una Pulsera.
Usa Mis Manos, Para Hacerte Una Escalera.
Hasta Las Nubes, Y Volar A Donde Sea.
Mienteme Un Poco, Para Mantenerme Atento.

Hazme Una Hamaca, Con El Menguate De La Luna.
Dame Tu Risa, Para Los Tiempos En Veda.
Quitate El Peso, De Los Besos Que Te Sobren.
Es Tan Dificil Respirar, El Aire En Que No Tan Dificil.

Dame Tus Suenos, Para Hacerte Una Diadema ,
Dame El Pasado, Para No Quitarte El Tiempo,
Que Lo Que Te Esta Sobrando,A Mi Me Salva La Vida.

Dame Tu Llanto, Para Llorarlo Contigo.
Dame El Misterio, De Tus Ojos Cuando Duermes.
Dame El Aire Cuando Exhalas, Para Ver Si Te Respiro.

Ponle Mi Nombre, Al Lunar De Tu Mejilla.
Dile A Tu Oido, Que Me Escuche Cuando Miro.
Salva Mis Manos, Con El Roce De Tu Espalda.
Dame El Remedio Para No Curarme Nunca.
Es Que Es Tan Facil Respirar,El Aire Cuando Estas Siempre Es Tan Facil

Dame Tus Suenos, Para Hacerte Una Diadema ,
Dame El Pasado, Para No Quitarte El Tiempo,
Que Lo Que Te Esta Sobrando,A Mi Me Salva La Vida.

Dame Tu Llanto, Para Llorarlo Contigo.
Dame El Misterio, De Tus Ojos Cuando Duermes.
Dame El Aire Cuando Exhalas, Para Ver Si Te Respiro.

Quitate Un Beso Ponmelo Donde Prefieras,
Dame Un Pretexto Para Restrenar Mi Vida
Dame Lo Que Quieras Darme
Quitame Lo Que Tu Quieras.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Substitution in the posse

Soundboyz has officially moved, and we are retiring his number, 0 (for the amount of times he has had sex in his 46 years on this Earth). In his place, I have added my secret weapon, cmb AKA christina black, who's picture you can gaze at for long hours (or not, it's up to you) here.

So thats that I guess.

My current playlist (alphabetically listed)
BlackStar - Supreme
Bob James - Nautilus
Bob James - Take Me to the Mardi Gras
Bobby Byrd - I Know You Got Soul
DJ Hi-Tek - The Sun God (feat. Common & Vinia Mojica)
DJ Quik - Medley for a 'V' (Reprise)
EPMD - DJ K La Boss
Fonda Rae - Over Like a Fat Rat
James Brown - Funky President
James Brown - Hot Pants Road
Main Ingredient - California (My Way)
Main Ingredient - Summer Breeze
Mountain - Long Red
Rob Swift, Bob James & D-Styles - Salsa Scratch
Run-D.M.C. - Peter Piper
Run-D.M.C. - Sucker MC's
Screamin' Jay Hawkins - I Put A Spell on You
Soul Searchers - Ashley's Roachclip
The JB's - (It's Not The Express) It's The JB's Monorail
The JB's - Pass the Peas
The Mohawks - Champ
The Notorious B.I.G. - Things Done Changed
Tyrone Thomas & the Whole Darn Family - 7 Minutes of Funk
Whodini vs DJ Icey - 5 Minutes Of Funk
Zapp & Roger - Computer Love
Zapp & Roger - Dance Floor
Zapp & Roger - More Bounce To The Ounce

O-Dub wants to "Kill Niggaz"?

So, ya boy (no homo) Houston was going thru reviews for Slick Rick's "The Art of Storytelling", when I came to the editorial review. The review was messed up, many of the characters were squares...but one part was readble, it read:

"and Kill Niggaz"

and at the end it read:

"-Oliver Wang"

Now maybe he was decrying it, I dont know, but considering his past history, I wouldnt discount that as a threat to me and my people.

-Houston S. (The one-eyed JayEyeGee)

Fuckin Gully

I just played a demo version of the PS2 game "God of War". Holy shit it was gully. Its the Hydra level, the first level. Youre basically this dude who has to kill a God. The combat is really bloody but incredibly fluid, linking moves is easy. The graphics are tremendous. The Hydra really startles you, and the game does a bunch of things to switch up the gameplay - for example, at times you have to tap a certain button at the right time, Parappa-style, to deal a blow to the hydra. Later on, you are in its mouth and the Hydra attempts to close his mouth, but you have to keep it open by rappidly tapping the circle button a buncha times. The last battle requires you to think. Two of the Hydra's heads made holes on either side of the boat and attempt to kill you. The Hydra's third and largest head can only be accesed by climbing to a higher platform, but the 2 smaller heads attack you and you wont be able to do that. After you take most of the 2 heads' lives, they will fall to the side, breaking boxes. After about 30 seconds, they come back to life. I tried knocking both heads out and climbing, but that doesnt work. SPOILER ALERT: This is how you do it. There are boxes on both sides of the stage, and when the heads break a few, you can climb them, and you go to this platform with a sharp object on the bottom. The platform falls and you pin down the head by its neck. You do this to both heads, climb up, where a huge head awaits and...the demo ends. Shit. I gotta buy that shit.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Emailing Esther Baxter

Esther's site

Your Name: Houston Summers
Phone Number: [widtheld]
Your E-mail address:
Best time to contact you: Anytime
Regarding: You
Message: Hello. Do you have any relation with Esther Baxter, the black model? If not, will you consider becoming a black model?

Love poetry and cyber sex

What up what up. This is Houston, yeah the real Houston. Yesterday I emailed 2 of my fans, except this time, I attempted to get some e-pussy, knah what I mean?

Subject: Are you interested in cyber sex?
To: Rose [e-mail widthheld]

hello, my name is houston summers. i read somewhere that you were interested in cyber this true?
please respond

Subject: is it true that are you interested in cyber sex?
To: [widtheld]

hi, my name is houston summers. i read somewhere on a webpage that you were interested in cyber this true? cuz im kinda considered a pro at it, knah what I mean?
please answer
-houston s.

Today, someone replied to my request fo that e-pussy. It was incredibly hard to read, but I noticed she wrote back simply:

"yes asl describe"

The meaning of which I dont get. Thats an l, not an I, after "as". Maybe she missed an l and meant to say "asll" like "as I will"? God knows. So I wrote back:

Subject: Re: Are you interested in cyber sex?
To: Rose [e-mail widthheld]

you wrote: "yes asl describe"
Im not sure what you meant by "asl". But I think you are saying, in essence, "yes". And if so, are you interested in me? If so, how/where/when do you want it to happen? It's all up to you.
P.S. - how old are you?

Finally, I emailed mimi with both a marriage proposal and a love poem. Ill give the deep, dark secret that it was ghostwritten by my friend and manager djxplicit. What, you expected me to have talent? djxplicit would like to add that he is no sappy love poem writer, but that he couldnt think of any funnier things to do. He especially loved the parts about breathing since Ive never been more than a couple of states away.

Subject: This is Houston
To: Mimi []

Hello. This is Houston Summers. Mimi...will all 3/8's of your face and 1/3 of your body marry me? I made a poem to every fraction of your body and face. I just made it right now:

Give me your footprints so I can use them as shoes
Give me your doubts so I can make myself a bracelet
Use my hands to make yourself a ladder that reaches the clouds and fly

Lie to me a little to maintain me alert
Make me a hammock with the decline of the moon
Give me your laughter for the times in mourning

Rid yourself of the weight of the kisses that are leftovers to you
It's always so difficult to breathe the air in which you are not
It's always so diffcult!

Give me your dreams so I can make you a necklace
Give me your past so as to not take away your time
Its just that what is leftovers to you saves my life

Give me your weeping so I can cry it with you
Give me the mystery in your eyes when you sleep
give me the air when you exhale to see if I breathe you

Give my name to that spot on your cheek
Tell your ear to listen to me
Save my hands with the touch of your back

Give me the remedy so that I will never be cured
It's always so easy to breathe the air in which you are at
It's always so easy!

Give me your dreams so I can make you a necklace
Give me your past so as to not take away your time
Its just that what is leftovers to you saves my life

Give me your weeping so I can cry it with you
Give me the mystery in your eyes when you sleep
give me the air when you exhale to see if I breathe you

Take away my kiss
Put it wherever you please
Give me a pretext to re-start my life

Give me whatevever you want to give me
Take away whatevever you want to take away from me
Its just that what is leftovers to you saves my life

[Djxplicit note: If you didnt laugh during this post, you have no heart]

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Dont make me laugh, ya fake-ass stripper

I just heard that The Game is denying that he got slapped by Suge. His official response said that if Suge ever touched him, Suge would be "6 feet under".
Remember, this is a guy who used to have a tongue ring threatening one of the gulliest people the world has ever known. The only gulliness Teh Ghey ever has had is John Gully, painter:

I hear he blamed Daz Dillinger for "making up the rumor" that he got slapped. Now, why would Daz do that, being close friends with Dre (he's Snoop's cousin) and JT That Bigga Figga (they released an album together)? What's next? Lloyd Banks threatening to shoot Sadat X? Teh Ghey couldnt beat up Jeb Bush, let alone kill Suge. Dont make me laugh, ya fake-ass stripper.

"And everyday you gettin slapped by Suge" Yukmouth to Teh Ghey

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Houston mails his fans

Only the ladies, of course.

Email #1
To: Aley []
Subject: Whatz up? this is Houston
Hey, this is Houston Summers. yeah, the real Houston. someone told me you liked my that true? holla @ me on the aim: HoustonSDot.


Email #2
To: brooklynsbaby []
Subject: Is you for real?
Yo...this is Houston Summers. Yeah, the real Houston. I heard that you were praying for me? Is that true? holla @ me, baby! aim: HoustonSDot
Houston S.

Email #3
To: Lisa []
Subject: Wuttup? This is Houston
Man...this is houston summers. im emailing you cuz i heard you liked my music.
holla back on the aim: houstonsdot


Email #4
To: Ana []
Subject: Ana...this is Houston
I read on a website about what ya said bout my singing. Damn...its so inspiring that people like my shit, know what im sayin? Thanks. Holla on the aim front: HoustonSDot

Email #5
To: LaYdEe_SwEeTnEsS_18 []
Subject: This is Houston Summers
What up what up. This is houston, yea beeyotches, tha real houston. i heard you liked my songs...holla @ me gurrl on tha aim: HoustonSDot


Ill be posting the replies on this site, and ill be writin some more mail for my female fans.

-Houston S.


I had just finished my remix of Jay-Z's Heart of the City (Ain't No Love), and now, the shit disappeared. I had it perfect, the pitch was right, the chorus was on, everything was well...but FUCK. it got deleted right now somehow. Damn. Well I still have the beat and the acapella. Its all about mixing it right again. But FUCK. I hate that shit. On the BC dot C, the most irrelevent conversations are occuring about Fitz being Brutus/Judas/A Pimp/A Snitch and Bol's soul and having orgams over people typing about it. And its 2 Am, and I need to wake up in 4 hours. FUCK. Its all Teh Ghey's fault. Fuck the Gayme, no homo.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Fiddy's website = silly

Basically, its a full page devoted to 50 trying to look hard, which is boring as music, but unintentionaly funny as a web page. On the home page, Fiddy aims his gun at me 2 times. That shit is comedy gold. When you go thru the links, a gun cocks, and when you click on them, the gun fires, which is just plain silly. Try mousing over the links quickly. The shit spazes out with all the guncocking. Shit is, again, just plain silly. The only cool thing is how gunsmoke comes out of the 2 of the guns. Still a bit silly, but cool nonetheless. Man - that "Piggy Bank" beat's as bad as 50's rhymes.

"The Oldie But The Goodie"

Yukmouth - Game Ova 2 Video (Game Diss)

Teh Ghey gettin dumped on national TV by some bitch.

Big Ups to Blah Bloomberg and Big Wy for putting out their Guerilla Black disses.

GUA = Way too gully for you

I just came back from Guatemala. People need to understand the amount of gulliness found in that country. With no real amount of images, I will try to express it thru the written word. Here goes.

Point 1: The President killed 3 people
Well, ex-president. He was president up to halfway through 2004. He shot and killed 3 people in the 80's. He is currently hiding in Mexico.

Wikipedia link
"[he] immediately recognised that he had shot the 3 students..."
They got something wrong, tho. He was never acquitted, he basically was never prosecuted under some weird Mexican law (the killings happened in Mexico, you see).

Point 2: 80+ dead, 180+ injured at a soccer game
They laid out the bodies outside on the field. I've been to a buncha games, and its basically a buncha drunk guys getting pissed off. I went to one about a week ago, and one dude was arrested for throwing large rocks at the players.
CNN Link

Also, the goalie for my team got killed on the pitch by another player from a rival team. He hit him on a play "unintentionally" with his knee. One year later, my team signed the killer. The killer is currently loaned out to and playing for the Colombus Crew.

Point 3: Politicians, gangs, thieves and my family
Every politician is lying and stealing so much, its all about choosing the least shady of the candidates instead of the most honest. Theres at least 20 incarcerated at this point. You know what's even gullier? Those prisons are nicer than 80% of houses in the country. Now there's the gangs, which are mostly a scare tactic. Theyre there, sure, but the government blames them as the main cause of crime, which is untrue. They do this because theyre easy to catch than the real criminals. The thieves basically are stealing whatever at whichever point possible. Ive seen everything get stolen (including from me/family/friends): soccer balls, garfield comics, stuffed animals, cellphones, cars, school backpacks, jewelry, watches, sunglasses, purses...the list goes on. I remember someone telling me about this dude who was offered a fruit drink on a bus. He drank it, blacked out, and woke up with only his underwear on. Lastly, my family. I saw my aunt grab a guy who was carjacking her friend's car. She threw him down and shit. She is a 50 year old woman. My father used to always carry a gun. My uncle (i.e. his brother) got in a gunfight like a month ago. Carjackers too, I think. Basically, he shot (injured, not killed) 2 of them (there were 3 or 4), and now he shaved his mustache changed his haircut so they wouldnt recognize him. They were likely a part of some sort organized crime, but not the regular gangs with young tatooed dudes.

I could go on.

Point 4: Dont forget to visit, tourists!
Forget all that I just said. Pump some money into the economy before our president shoots you.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Let's End This Silly Debate Now!!!

50 Cent and Gayme are LOVERS and Friends!

So yeah

EDIT: after soundboyz accused me, i had to this.

I dont know what to type. fuck. i should.....uhhhhh.....
I hate people on wheelchairs. Theyre all assholes. They all think that we should look after them and be nice to them just because theyre on wheelchairs. And you know what? Many people do. I always had a theory that if you can be an asshole, you will be. Well, people who are on wheelchairs, since they can get away with being assholes, are assholes. And thats the mo'fuckin truth.

-Houston S. (The One-eyed JayEyeGee)

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Macq's most played list: Part 1

I have a research paper that is due Monday so today's post will be kinda light. I am always looking for new music to illegaly download ( just kidding children, always buy the 5 dollar singles........) so I will share with you my most played list and hopefully you will share yours with me.

Things done changed- Biggie Smalls

Straight Cadillac Pimpin- 8ball and MJG

Feel it in the air- Beanie Siegel

Definition- Blackstar

Always- Blink 182

Where its at- Blyss (DC's own)*

Cher Chez la Ghost- Ghost face killa

8mile Road- Eminem

Well there you have it, part 1 of my list. Please leave your suggestions for music I should download.

*if you cant find the blyss song you can go here to listen to it