Today, I planned on continuing my series on man rape. But I got sidetracked, sidetracked by some ass. I was looking through one of my free magazines. I think it was Blender. But it could've been Maxim, or Stuff, or FHM, one of those lad mags. They all look the same. I was going through the mag, when I ran across this picture of this Mari chick, the one that's supposed to be the new Princess of Roc-A-Fella. There was this interview accompanied by this hot ass picture of her. She was in some kind of short black dress, something like a French maid's outfit. Man. She was looking killer. The only downside was that it said in the article that she was seventeen. You know, borderline jailbait.
It still didn't stop me from thinking dirty thoughts about her, sort of like when Britney first came out, or recently, Lindsay Lohan. By the way, Lindsay Lohan looks kind of fucked up these days, doesn't she? Sort of like Britney with her big fat belly, and Christina, with her big fake giant titties on that small rail-thin body. All those old pop chicks look kind of shitty, except maybe Jessica Simpson. But I'm not really a Jessica Simpson fan. Her body's kind of tight, but her face is straight dookie, white dookie with a blond wig on top. But, there's no such thing as white dookie. There's light brown dookie, and green dookie, but no white dookie. At least I don't think.
Anyway, getting back to this Mari chick. By the way, I'll probably keep calling her "this Mari chick" because I don't know how to spell her first name. Getting back to her. I thought she was so hot that when I got my Internet connection back, I had to look her up. I hit Google and did an Internet search, hoping that I might find more dirty pictures of her. First I hit the "images" part of Google, then I hit the main search engine. And guess what. After all that searching, I didn't find much of anything. It was the same shit over and over again. The same fuckin' TRL photos.
This tells me that those boys over at Def Jam ain't really putting much into this Mari chick. Apparently, her album came out recently, the album I can't quite name right now. (Joke) And it ranked pretty high on Billboard. But so what, everything ranks high on Billboard in its first week. Let's see where she's at by the beginning of September. I bet her shit barely goes gold. Why? Because even though this Mari chick has Jay-Z backing her, and that Def Jam machine, nobody really is talking about her. Sure, she's getting a review here or there, and the adolescents seem to love her, which is a shame because that little beyotch's mouth is filthier than mine. Nigga this, nigga that. Shit here, shit there. It's outrageous. I'm stupified.
She's also supposed to have a single out, one, which I don't think I've heard. But that's probably because I don't listen to the radio that much, at least not unless I'm driving, or not unless I'm in front of my computer. I have one of those TV/FM tuner cards. I tend to listen to the radio during those oft-times when there isn't anything worth downloading. Apparently, her single has been out for awhile. Still, I have yet to see it on MTV or BET, and I don't think I've heard it on the radio. But that's probably because I tend to flip through the radio stations very quickly, and often. I just don't waste time listening to commercials and deejay speak. If a song I'm listening to goes off, and another song I like doesn't come on right after, I switch to another station. If a deejay doesn't blabber over the beginning of the song with the artist's name and song title, or if he doesn't get it in quickly at the end, I just don't get it. The song has to be pretty catchy for me to stay around and listen to bullshit deejay speak. I just don't play that.
So, I might have heard her shit and I just don't know it. But it's probably not that great of a song or I would know if I've heard it by now, or at least if I've seen a video of it. How hard is it not to get your video played on BET constantly. Show a little belly, a little ass, some cleavage, and hop your half-naked ass around a little, and at least your shit gets on 106th and Park. Problem is, I don't watch 106th and Park. Or TRL, which may be where it's also getting play. Too bad though. I guess this Mari chick is kind of fucked. Because if I don't know about your shit, your shit ain't shit.
I'm not Dick Clark or anything. But I'm sort of the standard for how popular a songs gonna be, outside of country music. It's not because I'm all influential and shit. It's just that I'm the demographic for how hot shit's gonna be. I'm in that 18-34 year range. I'm what all the networks, and cable stations, and radio stations clamor for. I'm the crack of statistical advertisement data. If me and my people don't give a fuck about you, nobody's gonna give a fuck about you, at least when it's all said and done. So, if I don't know a lot of shit about this Mari chick, then, most likely, other people in my demographic don't know a lot of shit about this Mari chick. And that means that this Mari chick ain't going too far.
Now you may say that just may not be the case with music. Just look at such talents as Bow Wow, Justin Timberlake, Hillary Duff and Omarion. You may say that they all have staying power, and no one over eighteen really supports them. Look at what big stars they are. Yep. Just look at those assholes. Trust me kiddies, when you get older, you're going to feel dirty and ashamed for propping up these whores for all these years. I know these things. I actually have MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice tapes in my collection. And I feel like shit by just mentioning that to you. Give it a few years, you'll eventually be holding your head in shame like me. Trust me.
Now back to this Mari chick. I'm not trying to piss on this chick, at least not yet. Maybe if I happen to meet her, and have a few glasses of Pepsi in me. Just maybe. Anyway. I don't want bad things for this Mari chick, if only because she looks too much like Beyonce, and Beyonce is a piece of ass. You just can't have too many beyotches who look like Beyonce. You know what I'm saying. And if she happens to fail early, I won't get to experience all the bad slutty fashion choices she's bound to make. But, unfortunately, in my bones, or in my boner, I can feel it. This Mari chick ain't going too far. And that's too bad, because she looks kind of nice, for jailbait that is.
The fact that she's seventeen sort of drops her on the hot meter. I just don't like feeling bad when I'm thinking dirty thoughts about a chick. I figure if you're gonna be hot, then you should have enough sense to be over 18 and not be married or a nun, or some other dumb shit like that. It's like this old NYPD Blue episode. They had one of these hot chicks I've seen before on other shows and in the videos playing a retard. These dudes get over on the retard, you know, talk her ass into giving them blow jobs and shit. You know, like in real life. And her mother goes off on her for being a retard slut. And I think in the end, she jumps off a building, or some shit like that. The point I'm getting at is that retards shouldn't look hot. And if they do look hot, expect dudes to try to get her retard ass to give up the, uh, you know, ass. Because that's what dude's are supposed to do. That's how God made us. If it werent for that, man probably wouldn't be the most dominant species on this planet. It's predestined.
That's why it's bad for underage teen-age girls to be hot. What's a teen-ager anyway but a retarded adult. And just because you're "not quite there yet" in the head shouldn't stop a man like me from fulfilling his godly duties. That's why most teen-age girls usually get pregnant by fucked up dudes that are twenty years and older like myself. A dude in his twenties can't help it more than most dudes. It's because twenty-year-old balls are filled to the maximum with the jizzum, and we need massive amounts of release, preferably in a massive amount of varied cootchie. And just because you might be "too young," and possibly be a "retard" shouldn't stop a man like me from doing what God put me on this Earth to do.
In fact, it's your fault if I happen to allegedly bust one in your adolescent ass. You shouldn't have that nice round ass, or those nice juicy titties. If I happen to fuck you up like a crazy white hoe teacher in a middle school, then that's on you, not me, especially my jizzum... On you, not... you know... on me.