Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Bin Laden Tries to Poison Our Llello

Shit, man. You believe this Bin Laden dude? Poisioning our cocaine supply??? How dare that motherfucker. How can us Americans live without a good, healthy shot of cocaine???

Don't think cause his plot fell through the first time it won't work the second, or the third.

And then, what will crackho's, the Motley Crue and our President do?

I mean, am I the only one who fears that I may be snorting poisoned cocaine instead of our usual, healthy cocaine? What kind of sick world are we coming to? This shit has to stop.

Some suggest we should just snort dirt, like the cavemen did. But I think that if we stopped snorting llello, then the terrorists have truly won. Our President probably will survive thanks to his secret stash (CIA HQ), but what about the porn industry?

They would be at a standstill!!! I mean, "actresses" all'a sudden remembering where they are and headin home...a real tragedy.

And really, that sucks, man. Actually, that doesn't suck. However, it is bad that the'y wouldn't suck anymore. Matter of fact, the only sucking they'll be doing is with a vacuum cleaner...and not the good kinda sucking either - not like in "Vaccum Cleaner Fantasies, vol 12"!

But fear not, my friends, I have a plan. Let's dig up ODB's and Rick James's bodies...that's probably a goldmine right there.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Another day, another blogger my mother would holla

Check out yours truly's newest guest shot, over at Sean's Hip Hop Album Reviews. Not only that, but check out the new fly-ass logo I made for the blog.

Anyhoo, that's Sean site, so i wont be reviewing salsa, trip-hop, dance, metal, punk, alternative, jazz, funk, etc. there. You can still find that here. But i'll be doing the bulk of my hip hop reviews over there.

Thats all, children.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Rakim signed with No Limit?!??!?!

UPDATED: Appearently, my theory was correct, it was an April Fool's joke, but http://illadelphiahiphop.com/ has it on its fuckin front page. Props to the Internets' most hated man for the confusion.


Say it aint so!

According to SOHH.com and similarly terribly-written websites, Rakim Allah has signed to Master P's No Limit Records.

Is this some belated April Fool's Joke or are we suppossed to break down crying and throw several bitch fits? This becomes especially shocking considering the latest rumour was that he was going to sign to Talib Kweli's record company, Blacksmith or whatever it's called.

The record allegedly will feature all kinds of no-talents such as Mo.B Dick, Mia X, Silkk the Shocker and the like. Now, when Rakim recorded that video with the gold teeth saying some BULLshit for that company, and appearing in Juelz Santana music videos and that kind of stupid shit, some of us may have questioned "the God."

But signing to No Limit? That's a fallen hero for alotta people.

BTW, didnt Master Percy himself make a cover of "Paid in Full," except he changed the words so that it would be about selling crack? Or am I the one who's on crack?

Not A Scoop

And just like that, I'm back to posting shit. Kenn Starr, PG County's finest, from that one song "If" with Asheru and Kweli, had this to say about the Mos Def/Snowflake situation:

"As far as i know, yeah, [it's] just a rumor."

So there ya go, Mos may not even have been all that lucky.

Blogs are for nerds, losers, and the like

Yknow what I just noticed? Blogs are for cotdamn losers.

And all you might be askin, "well, djx, arent you calling yourself a loser, given that you have this 8 month old blog or whatever that I love so dearly?"

And then I would answer, "No, anonymous fangirl. I am not calling myself a loser, just saying I have something that alot of losers have. For example, watchin Star Wars doesnt make you a nerd even if Star Wars is for nerds. Get what I'm sayin'?

"But, looking for girl bloggers who might be willing to engage in some blog anal these recent days, I found out theyre the type of beeyotches who read the Harry Potter books twice - nerds. And not even those kinda hot nerds, but the fat nerds.

"Also, I found several older women who were supporting men monetarily and expecting sex in return, which is totally OK if you're a guy, but women? I thought cha'll were like, smart or something. A similar blog talked about consuming the llello, which is just sad.

"So now that we established that alotta people on this blog shit are nerds or losers or fat or ugly, or all 4 (actually, for the most part its all 4), I gotta say, thats it.

"I'm very seriously considering retiring this blog shit. Ive had a very successful run considering the complete lack of effort and funds I put into this. Honestly tho, now knowing how the blog world works, I gotta say that if what I wanted was success, I woulda pretended I was a 19 year old hot girl, with pics stolen from a myspace acct, and talk about how much sex I have. Idiot men love those blogs. And, appearently, women do, too. I thought cha'll were like, smart or something."

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Quit bein all Hatian' on Mos

So Mos "Miss Fat Booty" Def got out and married a white girl he just met.

All I gotta say is:

Okay, let's get the facts together. Mos "Brown Skin Lady" Def, according to experts (i.e. random females) is ugly as hell. They have compared him to those toy monkeys that bang 2 plates together. You know the ones.

Remember, in the movie "Brown Sugar," Mos "Black on Both Sides" Def had trouble getting together with Queen Latifah. Old, ugly, fat lady.

So under this conditions, given the chance, wouldnt you be all "baby white girl, oh please would you marry me?" to the cracka beeyotch as fast as you fuckin can? Would you give a fuck if you rapped about "Miss Fat Booty" 8 years ago or whatever?

No, and neither would Mos "I'm blacker than midnight" Def. So quit being all Hatian on Mos "Black Jack Johnson" Def.

No Hatian, congratulation. Just say props, Mos "BlackStar" Def.

At least it wasn't DJ "Sweet Black Pussy" Quik.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Johnny Whitewater's Burning Questions

If you're like me and you follow current events, there have been many things to talk about and wonder about.

So each week, in conjunction with my own site which nobody goes to, I will post a series of questions that I'd like the answers to in our increasingly strange world.

Anyway on to this week's Burning Questions:

What's faker: Lance Armstrong's Tour results or Tara Reid's tits?

Real Worlder Uday's corpse (no necro just in case) Lacy stunned the world by introducing her parapalegic boyfriend Ryan on an episode a week ago. Which works worse: Ryan's legs or Ryan's eyes?

What's smaller: Rafael Palmeiro's steroids shriveled genitalia (major no homo) or Deuce Bigalow's market share?

Who should have pulled out earlier: the Israelis in Gaza or Keven Federline's father?

Who will be the biggest bomb of the year: the "revamped" Miami Heat or an Islamic terrorist?

Who's the truest warrior: Cindy Sheehan's son or

Donkey Pron

I keep getting sidetracked. I was checking out my sitemeter because, well, I'm curious about who still visits my site, even though I haven't updated it in awhile. I usually find new links to some interesting weblogs. And sometimes I find shit like this. No offense, but this shit is classic. I was literally laughing out loud when I read this shit. And the youngblogger has got to be our very own, Zodiac aka DJ Xplicit.

I like how she's trying to save Xplicit from some adult molestation, and Xplicit's in strict celebrity stalker mode, pretty much going off the deep end. She's trying to get him off the subject of porn, and he keeps bringing that shit up. By the end, you can tell she's pretty much freaked out, and the youngblogger is throwing man rape at him or her, I'm assuming it's a her. Of course it ends with a link to my site, which is kind of good. Bad publicity is better than no publicity. Damn straight, funny read. Check it out.

P.S. I'm coming to get you. Hee-hee.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Amen, beyotches!

I read somewhere that words hurt. If that's true, I tend to hurt beyotches on a daily basis. I think I hurt three beyotches today. I guess that makes me a pimp.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comMaybe it was something else. Maybe I read that words define thoughts, and thoughts define actions. I know I just heard that shit from my man, Creflo Dollar. I watch that dude almost every other weekend. I watch him and that Opie Southern white boy. And I also watch that blabbering old man, the one with the son who preaches his sermons with a hip-hop overtone. I watch all that spiritual shit. That's because I'm trying to get back right with the Lord.

For so long, I wasn't down with Baby Jesus. It started in my late teens. I started questioning all that biblical shit. Like, was Jesus really the Messiah? Did he really return from the dead? What about all that transmogrification shit. Or Moses separating the Red Sea. How about all life coming from Adam and Eve. Did Eve have to fuck her own children, or were there other people? And what about Noah's Ark, the whole two of everything business. Then how did the world repopulate so fast. I just had all these bogus questions. And the Bible ain't exactly the first place to go to answer most of these questions in a logical way. That's why people need faith to believe.

Religion is one big fuckin' "Trust Me" pact. Religion pretty much says, "Most of this shit don't make sense, but if you believe in this bullshit, and try to get other people to believe in this bullshit, God will love you." And in Christianity, God rewards blind trust with ever-ending life. Most people believe that's a good trade off, at least to the point where they can half-ass their way into heaven. You know, believe the shit, go to church on Sunday, and sin and piss on their beliefs throughout most of the weekday. That's why we have the divorce rates we have, the abortion rates, the teen pregnancies, the unmarried sexual relationships, the lying, the cheating, the stealing. Do you think devil worshippers are doing all of this shit? Nope. So-called God-fearing people are pulling this bullshit.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comPoliticians, celebrities, teachers, students, and parents: all fornicators. I don't know why it surprises people that Gay people still think they can be gay and have a cool relationship with God. Yeah, God calls gay love an abomination. But Jesus wipes away the sins of gay love, at least until you stick the next dick up the next male ass. But it's okay. Because God forgives all sins, even the ones we purposely commit over and over again. I guess when the Almighty lets you out so easily, no wonder people keep flocking to become "born-again."

"Born-again." You fake ass fucks. It was primarily because of this that I had to separate myself from God. I couldn't continue being a fake ass mothafucka. I know all the shit I do. And I make no illusions to myself that "God" is cool with all that shit. I'm a man of my word. You either roll with the Messiah, or you do your own shit, because, in the end, you really can't have it both ways.

God believes in free will. So, do I. It's one of the reasons the world is as fucked up as it is. You think God's the problem. Nope. How about the devil? Dude, the devil is a non-factor. The devil is all about suggestions. And he hasn't been on Earth for some time. All bad actions on Earth come from man. If the world is so fucked up, it's because we made it that way. It's our fault. We need to accept responsibility and start fixing that shit. We need to stop all that praying to a God that won't help you, and finally start doing shit. The only help you'll ever get from God is in that book you supposedly read on a regular basis. That's all God left for you. He made you no promises, outside, that if you follow his word, your life will be good, relatively speaking.

I don't know if God exists or not. What I do know is, if he exists, he ain't gonna do shit for you or me, because he hasn't done shit for you or me. Why? Again, God believes in free will. God believes that words define thought, and thoughts define actions. The battle ain't over doing shit, or not doing shit. The battle is over thinking shit, and not thinking shit. How you think, defines who you are. What you say, what you read, defines who you are. So, when the end comes, all that will matter is who the fuck you really think you are.

So what if Andy Milonakis dies?

Its not like he ever contributed anything worthwhile to society.

If he dies, so be it. No one will miss him too much.

As a matter of fact, maybe, Speed is right, and he should get brain cancer, or whatever he said.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Is Nas teh ghey?

Now, we all know that the man known as Nasir Jones is one of the best rappers ever, some would sasy, the best ever (and theyre wrong!) but thats not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that the guy has revealed some pretty..uh, teh ghey things about himself (NULLUS!) thru his rhymes.

Now, some may point to his daughter or his wife, so he might be bi, or a closeted gay guy, or hell, he just might be straight with teh ghey tendencies. But isnt a staraight guy with gay tendencies kind of gay anyways?

Anywy, this are some quotes that can explain better what im talkin about.

"Bitches put they tongues where the sun ain't shinin"
-From "I Really Want to Show You" off of Biggie's "Born Again" album

So here, Nasir gets on a Biggie song to hint at the fact that he likes his, yknow, ass licked. No homo. But then..

"I had bad chicks that blow cum bubbles like bubblegum / Plus they ass lick"
-From "Nazareth Savage" off of Street's Disciple

This one is alot more explicit, i mean, there's no more straight up saying it than "they ass lick."

"Chelsea used to tell me choke her while I stroke her / Stuck a Heineken bottle up in the ass, a real joker / Used to run my bubble bath, tons of laughs, sexy chick / Mad skills, she used to try to eat my excrement"
-From "Remember the Times" off of Street's Disciple

I'm not even sure what the fuck this is. Who stuck bottles up who's ass? She tried eating your shit? WTF?

"Your girl wanna lick honey out my crack/ I fart in your bitch mouth, she called me psychic/ cos I knew she would like it"
-From "Millenium Thug" from Funk Flex & Big Kap present: The Tunnel

Okay, well this is similarly disturbing. I doubt there are any girls out there who get sexual pleasure when you pass wind into their mouth, and i doubt there's really a straight dude out there who enjoys food bein stuck up his ass and then a tongue used to remove it.

If Nas is teh ghey, or bi, he should just say so, and the hip-hop community would understand and respond:

"Well, we accept gay dudes alll the time, (see: TGW, Jay-Z & Memph) but at least those motherfuckers dont brag about it in explicit detail, you fuckin' fag!"

Monday, August 22, 2005

Smells Like Teen Grit

Today, I planned on continuing my series on man rape. But I got sidetracked, sidetracked by some ass. I was looking through one of my free magazines. I think it was Blender. But it could've been Maxim, or Stuff, or FHM, one of those lad mags. They all look the same. I was going through the mag, when I ran across this picture of this Mari chick, the one that's supposed to be the new Princess of Roc-A-Fella. There was this interview accompanied by this hot ass picture of her. She was in some kind of short black dress, something like a French maid's outfit. Man. She was looking killer. The only downside was that it said in the article that she was seventeen. You know, borderline jailbait.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comIt still didn't stop me from thinking dirty thoughts about her, sort of like when Britney first came out, or recently, Lindsay Lohan. By the way, Lindsay Lohan looks kind of fucked up these days, doesn't she? Sort of like Britney with her big fat belly, and Christina, with her big fake giant titties on that small rail-thin body. All those old pop chicks look kind of shitty, except maybe Jessica Simpson. But I'm not really a Jessica Simpson fan. Her body's kind of tight, but her face is straight dookie, white dookie with a blond wig on top. But, there's no such thing as white dookie. There's light brown dookie, and green dookie, but no white dookie. At least I don't think.

Anyway, getting back to this Mari chick. By the way, I'll probably keep calling her "this Mari chick" because I don't know how to spell her first name. Getting back to her. I thought she was so hot that when I got my Internet connection back, I had to look her up. I hit Google and did an Internet search, hoping that I might find more dirty pictures of her. First I hit the "images" part of Google, then I hit the main search engine. And guess what. After all that searching, I didn't find much of anything. It was the same shit over and over again. The same fuckin' TRL photos.

This tells me that those boys over at Def Jam ain't really putting much into this Mari chick. Apparently, her album came out recently, the album I can't quite name right now. (Joke) And it ranked pretty high on Billboard. But so what, everything ranks high on Billboard in its first week. Let's see where she's at by the beginning of September. I bet her shit barely goes gold. Why? Because even though this Mari chick has Jay-Z backing her, and that Def Jam machine, nobody really is talking about her. Sure, she's getting a review here or there, and the adolescents seem to love her, which is a shame because that little beyotch's mouth is filthier than mine. Nigga this, nigga that. Shit here, shit there. It's outrageous. I'm stupified.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comShe's also supposed to have a single out, one, which I don't think I've heard. But that's probably because I don't listen to the radio that much, at least not unless I'm driving, or not unless I'm in front of my computer. I have one of those TV/FM tuner cards. I tend to listen to the radio during those oft-times when there isn't anything worth downloading. Apparently, her single has been out for awhile. Still, I have yet to see it on MTV or BET, and I don't think I've heard it on the radio. But that's probably because I tend to flip through the radio stations very quickly, and often. I just don't waste time listening to commercials and deejay speak. If a song I'm listening to goes off, and another song I like doesn't come on right after, I switch to another station. If a deejay doesn't blabber over the beginning of the song with the artist's name and song title, or if he doesn't get it in quickly at the end, I just don't get it. The song has to be pretty catchy for me to stay around and listen to bullshit deejay speak. I just don't play that.

So, I might have heard her shit and I just don't know it. But it's probably not that great of a song or I would know if I've heard it by now, or at least if I've seen a video of it. How hard is it not to get your video played on BET constantly. Show a little belly, a little ass, some cleavage, and hop your half-naked ass around a little, and at least your shit gets on 106th and Park. Problem is, I don't watch 106th and Park. Or TRL, which may be where it's also getting play. Too bad though. I guess this Mari chick is kind of fucked. Because if I don't know about your shit, your shit ain't shit.

I'm not Dick Clark or anything. But I'm sort of the standard for how popular a songs gonna be, outside of country music. It's not because I'm all influential and shit. It's just that I'm the demographic for how hot shit's gonna be. I'm in that 18-34 year range. I'm what all the networks, and cable stations, and radio stations clamor for. I'm the crack of statistical advertisement data. If me and my people don't give a fuck about you, nobody's gonna give a fuck about you, at least when it's all said and done. So, if I don't know a lot of shit about this Mari chick, then, most likely, other people in my demographic don't know a lot of shit about this Mari chick. And that means that this Mari chick ain't going too far.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comNow you may say that just may not be the case with music. Just look at such talents as Bow Wow, Justin Timberlake, Hillary Duff and Omarion. You may say that they all have staying power, and no one over eighteen really supports them. Look at what big stars they are. Yep. Just look at those assholes. Trust me kiddies, when you get older, you're going to feel dirty and ashamed for propping up these whores for all these years. I know these things. I actually have MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice tapes in my collection. And I feel like shit by just mentioning that to you. Give it a few years, you'll eventually be holding your head in shame like me. Trust me.

Now back to this Mari chick. I'm not trying to piss on this chick, at least not yet. Maybe if I happen to meet her, and have a few glasses of Pepsi in me. Just maybe. Anyway. I don't want bad things for this Mari chick, if only because she looks too much like Beyonce, and Beyonce is a piece of ass. You just can't have too many beyotches who look like Beyonce. You know what I'm saying. And if she happens to fail early, I won't get to experience all the bad slutty fashion choices she's bound to make. But, unfortunately, in my bones, or in my boner, I can feel it. This Mari chick ain't going too far. And that's too bad, because she looks kind of nice, for jailbait that is.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comThe fact that she's seventeen sort of drops her on the hot meter. I just don't like feeling bad when I'm thinking dirty thoughts about a chick. I figure if you're gonna be hot, then you should have enough sense to be over 18 and not be married or a nun, or some other dumb shit like that. It's like this old NYPD Blue episode. They had one of these hot chicks I've seen before on other shows and in the videos playing a retard. These dudes get over on the retard, you know, talk her ass into giving them blow jobs and shit. You know, like in real life. And her mother goes off on her for being a retard slut. And I think in the end, she jumps off a building, or some shit like that. The point I'm getting at is that retards shouldn't look hot. And if they do look hot, expect dudes to try to get her retard ass to give up the, uh, you know, ass. Because that's what dude's are supposed to do. That's how God made us. If it werent for that, man probably wouldn't be the most dominant species on this planet. It's predestined.

That's why it's bad for underage teen-age girls to be hot. What's a teen-ager anyway but a retarded adult. And just because you're "not quite there yet" in the head shouldn't stop a man like me from fulfilling his godly duties. That's why most teen-age girls usually get pregnant by fucked up dudes that are twenty years and older like myself. A dude in his twenties can't help it more than most dudes. It's because twenty-year-old balls are filled to the maximum with the jizzum, and we need massive amounts of release, preferably in a massive amount of varied cootchie. And just because you might be "too young," and possibly be a "retard" shouldn't stop a man like me from doing what God put me on this Earth to do.

In fact, it's your fault if I happen to allegedly bust one in your adolescent ass. You shouldn't have that nice round ass, or those nice juicy titties. If I happen to fuck you up like a crazy white hoe teacher in a middle school, then that's on you, not me, especially my jizzum... On you, not... you know... on me.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Are you kidding me?

Once again, the world has committed the mistake of taking the whole 2Pac thing too seriously. Which is to say, seriously at all.

Sez some teh ghey hip-hop site I never read, and regret reading this time:

Nine years after the loss of Tupac Shakur, his likeness will be unveiled at the newly opened Tupac Amaru Shakur Center for the Arts in Stone Mountain, Georgia on the day of his passing - September 13th, 2005.
The statue, created by sculptor Tina Allen, will stand seven-feet tall on a three-foot base, located within a fountain in the shape of a gothic cross universally associated with the slain superstar. Her previous works feature bronze monuments of historic figures ranging from Frederick Douglass and A. Philip Randolph to Nat King Cole and Dr. Martin Luther King.

I can understand you liking "Me Against the World" but making a fucking 7-foot bronze statue of the kid is fucking exaggeration.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Arafat AZZ!

Post two: I Love The Jews.

Getting back into the flow of things. I said earlier how much I missed this Internet shit. Truth is, I was kind of happy I didn't have any Internet connection. It seems that being on these Internets had become a part-time job for me, one that didn't pay shit, no matter how much I tried to make money off of it. I really didn't realize how much time this shit took up until I wasn't doing it any longer. Then, I had to go back to watching television and reading books and shit. Shit. We all know how much of a time-waster reading is. Makes me wish I was illiterate. Who knows. I possibly could be and just don't know it yet.

The fact is, I don't really know much about myself. I'm pretty empty and shallow. I guess that's why I hate empty and shallow people, because I am one. I have no opinions. I have no beliefs. I'm a wasteland of possibilities. That's why I find it hard to write about anything but myself. I can't do music reviews. I can't talk about television. I can't express a thought worth having. And that's makes me such a weak and pitiful man.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comThat's why, today, I'm going to start forcing myself to express views on shit I haven't given a thought to, which is most crap. So, my first topic is on the Jews being kicked out of the Gaza Strip. I'm pretty ignorant on the whole situation. I've only heard and seen bits and pieces of the shit on the news. And I really don't know shit about the Middle East. So, don't expect anything I'm about to write to be well thought out. In fact, most likely, I'll probably be completely and utterly wrong, factually. But so what. This is the Internet. And I'm doing this shit on blogger. So, it doesn't matter.

So, let me start this shit off like I would have back in high school:

My view on the recent eviction of the Jews from the settlements on the Gaza Strip is that they deserved it. The Jews weren't supposed to be there in the first place. In fact, if it werent for Hitler, there wouldn't even be a fuckinIsrael right now.

The present day nation of Israel was created and founded on a planetary guilt trip. The world, most notably the United Stated, felt like shit for letting the Nazis bake all those Jews that they went and did some dumb shit. They took the spoils of World War I, the disintegration of the Ottoman Empire, the land of Palatine which was presently occupied by the Arabs, and used that land to recreate the nation of Israel. And the Jews didn't help. They had been through so much shit that they were just begging for some righteousness from God. They believed they had some good shit coming their way after all the dead bodies. And what better than that old Jewish hope of the Jews returning to Palestine, also known as Israel. It was predestined, predestined my ass.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comSo, the Western white dudes of America and Britain got together and decided to pay back the Jews for all their hardship by giving them exactly what they wanted, Israel. The only problem, people were already living on that land. But it didn't matter. Might makes right. So, they forcibly kicked Palestinians off of their lands and displaced them, making them orphans in their own state. Furthermore, by continually backing Israel, by constant financial aid, and by constant military build-up, Israel became the past and present symbol of the constant Western influence in the Middle East. What I'm saying is that the creation of Israel was the first salvo in a war that rages on even to today, a war we started. And to add, if there wasn't an Israel, there wouldn't have been a 9/11.

Yeah. That's right. America created Bin Laden and the rest of the Arab extremists. The creation of Israel was the first signal that told the Arabs that the West would force its influence over the Middle Eastern lands over and over again. If we hadn't started butting our noses in the affairs of others in the Middle-East, backing the evilest Ayatollahs, propping up Saddam, and giving Bin Laden the weapons and the backing that led to Al Qaida, we wouldn't have seen all those people die in the Towers. So, I say, if man should so ever create the time machine, the first thing that should be done is to eradicate the existence of present day Israel. Or go back to the time of Jesus and save the Messiah from being crucified.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comSee. If the king of the Jews had never died on the Cross, the nation we live in today would have never been born. Every Catholic likes to remind us heathens that America was built on Christian values. Well. You take away Christ and there is no America. Hee-hee. See where I'm going here. No Christ means no America; means no black American slavery; and that means the nation of Ghana becomes the home of the negro. All the black people would have never been brought over to North America. The filthy Spaniards would have never slaughtered the Indians. No Latin dudes banging Aztec beyotches. No Mexicans. No Puerto Ricans. No Jamaica. No reggae. No black dude going to the South Bronx with that reggae shit. Therefore, no hip-hop. All because Jesus was never crucified.

Of course that also means I probably wouldn't be here either. No white man raping the black woman. No descendant of that black woman having sex with some yellow Puerto Rican. No me writing this shit here today. All because Jesus was never crucified.

Now, you might be thinking, "What the fuck does that have to do with the Jews and Israel?" Well, my friend, it doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean shit, just like life doesn't mean shit. Life is an endless cesspool of pain. And the only reason we suffer through this shit is because it's better feeling pain than feeling nothing at all. So, don't go telling me I don't know about that Jew pain. It's better to have Israel in a sea of Arab hate than to have no Israel at all. So, thank you Baby Jesus, and Hitler, for giving Israel and myself life. Without you, where would I be? Probably all black and skinny, living in Ghana.

P.S. I love the Jews. One time, a couple of years ago, I banged a Jew chick. And it was good. So, that should tell you how much I love the Jews. Or at least how much I love Jewish pussy.

Forget that last part.

Get the fuck outta Gaza and the West Bank.

Next Post: I Bring To You Muthafuckas My Continuing Series On Man-Rape.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Back Like Cooked Crack

Hello beyotches. It's been long time, no see. I think it's been over a month. Well, rest assure, I haven't forgot about you. In fact, I've been thinking about this crap for some time.

See, I'm in some kind of Internet, web, withdrawal. About three weeks ago, I come home from work and decide to call a friend of mine. I pick up the phone and I find I have no dial tone. I get a knock on the door a couple of minutes later. It's one of my neighbors. She tells me that all the phones in the building are out. And she's been told by maintenance that the problem may be from sewer shit backing up in the basement. Apparently, crap took out my telephone.

The next day, Saturday, the main maintenance man with some plumbers come and pump out the basement. But a SBC technicians comes out in the middle of it and decides to leave. I guess he decided that SBC wasn't paying him enough to wallow in crap and drug needles.

The following Monday, I call SBC to get a technician out. And two days later, one comes out only to tell me that the basement ain't pumped out. Now I know the basement was pumped out because I saw the crap flowing out into the back yard. But sure enough, I walk to the basement only to find that it's filled up with more crap. So, I call the main management office and talk to some chick who tells me that someone will be out by Monday to fix the problem. So, there goes one week without telephone service. I guess it was a good thing, for Sprint that is, because I'm using up all those minutes on my fuckin' cell phone.

Week two. I'm upbeat. I go to work thinking that by tomorrow I'll have my phone back on. And I get a call on my cell from that management chick who tells me that the problem has been fixed. So, I call SBC again. And I'm told a technician will be out the next day. I coax my vacationing sister to stay at my house the next day just in case the technician needs to get into the apartment. And the next day, I leave for work. I come back, greeted with more bad news. The technician tells my sister that the basement hasn't been cleaned out. I check. And sure enough, again, there's crap in the basment. It's shitty sewer city down there.

So, now I go off. I call the management office and I start calling for jihad on mothafuckas. I'm tellin' these hoes that if they don't get that shit outta the basement, I'm gonna go postal on a bunch of muthafuckas. I don't give a fuck. And they tell me that someone will be out by Friday. Now I'm thinking Friday ain't quick enough. But for some reason, due to them using Jedi Mind Tricks on a brotha, I fall for that shit and accept it.

So, I take off Friday so I can watch a mothafucka. The plumber comes out, and I follow his ass like a retard. I watch him rod the main sewer line; I make him come to my apartment and rod my sewer line (n/h). And then I watch him pump out the basement. He leaves, and I think everything will be okay. The next day I call SBC again. This time they tell me a technician will be out on Monday. So, I take Monday off.

On Monday, no fewer than four technicians come out, apparently from my neighbors calling in as well. And two of them go down in the basement. They both come back up an hour later, and they give out more bad news. It seems that the sewage wasn't the cause of the line going out. Apparently, someone went downstairs and cut all the lines in the building and ripped out some of that fancy fiber optics. It will take them until Thursday to fix the problem. Why? Because when they called in to report the problem, they find out that all the buildings on my street are down, and that somehow, some crackheads went in all of the basements and ripped out the telephone and cable line, I guess so that they can sell that shit for crack. Fuckin' crackheads. So, the whole fuckin' block has to get rewired.

By Thursday night, the job is completed and I get back on-line. First the e-mail, then the porn. You know how that shit goes. Now I find myself with a boatload of shit to download. And a boatload of e-mails to go through, over 2000. And this is with the spam removed. But before I decided to get back into these Internets, I decided to check back with my people. So, I dropped this shit so you know I haven't forgotten about you. Don't that shit make you feel all special.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Los Amigos Invisibles - The Venezuelan Zinga Son, Vol. 1 Review

This is the semi-new album, from Los Amigos Invisibles, their third or fourth. After they lost some of their appeal to some people, they added the production team "Masters at Work," which consists of Kenny "Dope" Gonzalez and "Little" Louie Vega, trying to regain their place.

An 8 second intro. Whatever.

A laid back bossa nova song. It's just a little too slow to be this long, but its good for what it is.

Getting to a more "latin funk anthem" vibe here, this song is faster and holds up better to its length (5:31).

Sounding like the last song, cause theyre suppossed to be interconnected. This one is noticeably shorter (2:30). It also is a stronger song than the last one, from my point of view.

Once again, a funky feel to a beachside bossa nova song. It also has alot more singing to it, so despite being a lengthier song, it holds up better than the first bossa nova song.

This is a cover of a Scottish band's song. It sounds smooth, with its sparkling keys and funky bass and sax. The accented English can be kind of annoying though.

This sounds like the last one. Hold on, i get it. Its says Is (Ease) Yor (Your) Main (Mind). Its not as good as Ease Your Mind but its definitely interesting.

More of a salsa flavor on this one, but they do really never stick to one style - case in point, this has a synth and a funk guitar. Oh and Im really not getting the titles.

This doesnt really standout except for the drummer, who gets more aggressive here. Otherwise its far from bad, just that it doesnt stand out in between the other songs.

I'm pretty sure this is the lead single. Another more Salsa-ish song. This one has great lyrics and overall rhythm. This one is a standout track.

Pretty cool funk track, but there's better on this album. Is it just me, or does this song have a slight jazz vibe?

Interesting. I actually get the feeling that I like this song more than I should.

This is produced by DJ Dimitri from Paris. I remember a song by him called "Give Me Love", where the video was a pile of lesbians singing or something like that. Lesbians aside, this is a good funk track.

This song sounds old. I've heard better.

A somewhat humorous song mocking a guy who tell girls its like he had super fucking powers.

This one has uptempto tropical percussion and some superb guitar playing. Ovearll, real good.

Another somewhat humorous song. This serves its purpose but its not a highlight. Btw, its an 8:35 song, and you swear its gonna end right now, and then it doesnt, at least 4 times.

This song has some really creative horns, and that little reggaeton drum beat except not programmed and bland, but with someone banging on a drum set. Theres a funky bassline and synths as well as a piano hidden in there as well. This is probably the best reggaeton song ive heard ever, and ive heard alot (mostly not by choice.)

BEST SONGS: Esto Es Lo Que Hay and the remix, Ease Your Mind, Bruja, Venezuelan Zinga Son, Playa Azul.

RATING: 4.5 / 5

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Jin disses SunN.Y

For those of you who don't know who SunNY is, I advise you to go to My Blog and get some knowledge.

In a recent interview SunNY was asked about, fellow battle rapper, Jin's retirement. SunNY responded, " Real spitters ain’t quitters. That’s all I got to say about that. Real spitters ain’t quitters. He made us all look bad by doing that. People already buy into the myth that freestyle rappers can’t make records. He just [reinforced] that."

I can understand SunNY being angry at Jin for retiring. Its hard enough for battle rappers to get put on, without having some bama retire in the middle of his contract. But if you speak son you should expect a response, and did Jin ever respond. Jin flat out murdered him and Jurmaine Dupree on the track. And then gave him an "Open Invitation" to take away his Battle Emcee crown at this years Hip Hop summit. This is on some WWF type shit. I would post the song here but I dont know how to, so suffice to say, its pretty good.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Untalented Rapper Quote of the Week

This excerpt is taken from and interview of rapper Jim Jones
Sez HipHopDX.com:

Tell me about your new album, Harlem: The Diary Of A Summer.
I didn’t know if I was going to do an album. I just keep taking people’s money and they want an album. Shit is like homework to me. I didn’t ever do homework. I cheated all my life. I pulled it together. I came out with a bomb ass project. It just started feeling like summertime. All the shit that we go through is the shit that was coming out. If you listen to it real close, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.
This actually explains a lot believe it or not. I had been wondering how someone could be so bad at rapping still continue to put albums out. Now we know the reason why his albums are so bad and his flow is so terrible. According to him, HES NOT EVEN TRYING!! Only in America could someone be as terrible at what he does as him, and still be filthy rich.

Bushwick Bill Only Has One Eye

Bushwick Bill Loves Those Dumpy White Women

Remember Bushwick Bill? I sure do. I used to wonder what the deal was with that cover-photo on "We Can't Be Stopped" until I heard that he tried to shoot his eye out and that's why he looks all fucked up on the cover of the album. I never really understood what the deal was until I fount this article which explains the whole incident from his point of view. Read it...gully as fuck.
Oh yeah, I stole the link from Spine Magazine. Check them out too. *out*

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Living Legends: Album Review

8ball and MJG attempts to bring their southern-fried Memphis sound to the mainstream with this release, and by golly they pull it off. The album opens with the club bangin' lead single "You dont want drama" and rarely relents from them on. Following that song is my personal favorite on the album, "Straight Cadillac Pimpin'". The production on this song is crazy, the sound of a church service in the background, complements the track nicely. With those two bangers at the beggining of the album I was a little leary of the possibility that the other 14 songs on the album would not add up. But while there is obvious filler in between, the real gems outweighs the crap.

Getting national airplay apparently involves selling your soul to Puff Daddy, so the track with 112, "Trying to get at you", and Puffy, "Baby Girl", are as bad as they sound here, and MJG does not change his flow throughought the whole album. But even all of that is not enough to derail this album. Cuts like "Forever" and "Shot Off" are definately tracks you can ride to (nh?).And just when you think that you've got them figured out they flip the script on songs like "We do it" and probably the albums best cut (not my personal favorite however) "Memphis City Blues".

This album definately has its skippable moments, but they are outnumbered by the times you find yourself bobbing your head to the music (nh).

3.5 stars out of 5

Best Tracks: "Straight Cadillac Pimpin'", "Memphis City Blues", "You Dont want Drama"