Bin Laden Tries to Poison Our Llello

Shit, man. You believe this Bin Laden dude? Poisioning our cocaine supply??? How dare that motherfucker. How can us Americans live without a good, healthy shot of cocaine???

Don't think cause his plot fell through the first time it won't work the second, or the third.

And then, what will crackho's, the Motley Crue and our President do?

I mean, am I the only one who fears that I may be snorting poisoned cocaine instead of our usual, healthy cocaine? What kind of sick world are we coming to? This shit has to stop.

Some suggest we should just snort dirt, like the cavemen did. But I think that if we stopped snorting llello, then the terrorists have truly won. Our President probably will survive thanks to his secret stash (CIA HQ), but what about the porn industry?

They would be at a standstill!!! I mean, "actresses" all'a sudden remembering where they are and headin home...a real tragedy.

And really, that sucks, man. Actually, that doesn't suck. However, it is bad that the'y wouldn't suck anymore. Matter of fact, the only sucking they'll be doing is with a vacuum cleaner...and not the good kinda sucking either - not like in "Vaccum Cleaner Fantasies, vol 12"!

But fear not, my friends, I have a plan. Let's dig up ODB's and Rick James's bodies...that's probably a goldmine right there.

Another day, another blogger my mother would holla

Check out yours truly's newest guest shot, over at Sean's Hip Hop Album Reviews. Not only that, but check out the new fly-ass logo I made for the blog.

Anyhoo, that's Sean site, so i wont be reviewing salsa, trip-hop, dance, metal, punk, alternative, jazz, funk, etc. there. You can still find that here. But i'll be doing the bulk of my hip hop reviews over there.

Thats all, children.

Rakim signed with No Limit?!??!?!

UPDATED: Appearently, my theory was correct, it was an April Fool's joke, but http://illadelphiahiphop.com/ has it on its fuckin front page. Props to the Internets' most hated man for the confusion.

HERE IS MY ORIGINAL REACTION, SO YOU CAN LAUGH AT ME:

Say it aint so!

According to SOHH.com and similarly terribly-written websites, Rakim Allah has signed to Master P's No Limit Records.

Is this some belated April Fool's Joke or are we suppossed to break down crying and throw several bitch fits? This becomes especially shocking considering the latest rumour was that he was going to sign to Talib Kweli's record company, Blacksmith or whatever it's called.

The record allegedly will feature all kinds of no-talents such as Mo.B Dick, Mia X, Silkk the Shocker and the like. Now, when Rakim recorded that video with the gold teeth saying some BULLshit for that company, and appearing in Juelz Santana music videos and that kind of stupid shit, some of us may have questioned "the God."

But signing to No Limit? That's a fallen hero for alotta people.

BTW, didnt Master Percy himself make a cover of "Paid in Full," except he changed the words so that it would be about selling crack? Or am I the one who's on crack?

Not A Scoop

And just like that, I'm back to posting shit. Kenn Starr, PG County's finest, from that one song "If" with Asheru and Kweli, had this to say about the Mos Def/Snowflake situation:

"As far as i know, yeah, [it's] just a rumor."

So there ya go, Mos may not even have been all that lucky.

Blogs are for nerds, losers, and the like

Yknow what I just noticed? Blogs are for cotdamn losers.

And all you might be askin, "well, djx, arent you calling yourself a loser, given that you have this 8 month old blog or whatever that I love so dearly?"

And then I would answer, "No, anonymous fangirl. I am not calling myself a loser, just saying I have something that alot of losers have. For example, watchin Star Wars doesnt make you a nerd even if Star Wars is for nerds. Get what I'm sayin'?

"But, looking for girl bloggers who might be willing to engage in some blog anal these recent days, I found out theyre the type of beeyotches who read the Harry Potter books twice - nerds. And not even those kinda hot nerds, but the fat nerds.

"Also, I found several older women who were supporting men monetarily and expecting sex in return, which is totally OK if you're a guy, but women? I thought cha'll were like, smart or something. A similar blog talked about consuming the llello, which is just sad.

"So now that we established that alotta people on this blog shit are nerds or losers or fat or ugly, or all 4 (actually, for the most part its all 4), I gotta say, thats it.

"I'm very seriously considering retiring this blog shit. Ive had a very successful run considering the complete lack of effort and funds I put into this. Honestly tho, now knowing how the blog world works, I gotta say that if what I wanted was success, I woulda pretended I was a 19 year old hot girl, with pics stolen from a myspace acct, and talk about how much sex I have. Idiot men love those blogs. And, appearently, women do, too. I thought cha'll were like, smart or something."

Quit bein all Hatian' on Mos

So Mos "Miss Fat Booty" Def got out and married a white girl he just met.

All I gotta say is:
BIG MUTHAFUCKIN UPS, MOS! (nhjic)

Okay, let's get the facts together. Mos "Brown Skin Lady" Def, according to experts (i.e. random females) is ugly as hell. They have compared him to those toy monkeys that bang 2 plates together. You know the ones.

Remember, in the movie "Brown Sugar," Mos "Black on Both Sides" Def had trouble getting together with Queen Latifah. Old, ugly, fat lady.

So under this conditions, given the chance, wouldnt you be all "baby white girl, oh please would you marry me?" to the cracka beeyotch as fast as you fuckin can? Would you give a fuck if you rapped about "Miss Fat Booty" 8 years ago or whatever?

No, and neither would Mos "I'm blacker than midnight" Def. So quit being all Hatian on Mos "Black Jack Johnson" Def.

No Hatian, congratulation. Just say props, Mos "BlackStar" Def.

At least it wasn't DJ "Sweet Black Pussy" Quik.

Johnny Whitewater's Burning Questions

If you're like me and you follow current events, there have been many things to talk about and wonder about.

So each week, in conjunction with my own site which nobody goes to, I will post a series of questions that I'd like the answers to in our increasingly strange world.

Anyway on to this week's Burning Questions:

What's faker: Lance Armstrong's Tour results or Tara Reid's tits?

Real Worlder Uday's corpse (no necro just in case) Lacy stunned the world by introducing her parapalegic boyfriend Ryan on an episode a week ago. Which works worse: Ryan's legs or Ryan's eyes?

What's smaller: Rafael Palmeiro's steroids shriveled genitalia (major no homo) or Deuce Bigalow's market share?

Who should have pulled out earlier: the Israelis in Gaza or Keven Federline's father?

Who will be the biggest bomb of the year: the "revamped" Miami Heat or an Islamic terrorist?

Who's the truest warrior: Cindy Sheehan's son or

So what if Andy Milonakis dies?

Its not like he ever contributed anything worthwhile to society.

If he dies, so be it. No one will miss him too much.

As a matter of fact, maybe, Speed is right, and he should get brain cancer, or whatever he said.

Is Nas teh ghey?

Now, we all know that the man known as Nasir Jones is one of the best rappers ever, some would sasy, the best ever (and theyre wrong!) but thats not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that the guy has revealed some pretty..uh, teh ghey things about himself (NULLUS!) thru his rhymes.

Now, some may point to his daughter or his wife, so he might be bi, or a closeted gay guy, or hell, he just might be straight with teh ghey tendencies. But isnt a staraight guy with gay tendencies kind of gay anyways?

Anywy, this are some quotes that can explain better what im talkin about.

"Bitches put they tongues where the sun ain't shinin"
-From "I Really Want to Show You" off of Biggie's "Born Again" album

So here, Nasir gets on a Biggie song to hint at the fact that he likes his, yknow, ass licked. No homo. But then..

"I had bad chicks that blow cum bubbles like bubblegum / Plus they ass lick"
-From "Nazareth Savage" off of Street's Disciple

This one is alot more explicit, i mean, there's no more straight up saying it than "they ass lick."

"Chelsea used to tell me choke her while I stroke her / Stuck a Heineken bottle up in the ass, a real joker / Used to run my bubble bath, tons of laughs, sexy chick / Mad skills, she used to try to eat my excrement"
-From "Remember the Times" off of Street's Disciple

I'm not even sure what the fuck this is. Who stuck bottles up who's ass? She tried eating your shit? WTF?

"Your girl wanna lick honey out my crack/ I fart in your bitch mouth, she called me psychic/ cos I knew she would like it"
-From "Millenium Thug" from Funk Flex & Big Kap present: The Tunnel

Okay, well this is similarly disturbing. I doubt there are any girls out there who get sexual pleasure when you pass wind into their mouth, and i doubt there's really a straight dude out there who enjoys food bein stuck up his ass and then a tongue used to remove it.

If Nas is teh ghey, or bi, he should just say so, and the hip-hop community would understand and respond:

"Well, we accept gay dudes alll the time, (see: TGW, Jay-Z & Memph) but at least those motherfuckers dont brag about it in explicit detail, you fuckin' fag!"

Are you kidding me?

Once again, the world has committed the mistake of taking the whole 2Pac thing too seriously. Which is to say, seriously at all.

Sez some teh ghey hip-hop site I never read, and regret reading this time:

Nine years after the loss of Tupac Shakur, his likeness will be unveiled at the newly opened Tupac Amaru Shakur Center for the Arts in Stone Mountain, Georgia on the day of his passing - September 13th, 2005.
The statue, created by sculptor Tina Allen, will stand seven-feet tall on a three-foot base, located within a fountain in the shape of a gothic cross universally associated with the slain superstar. Her previous works feature bronze monuments of historic figures ranging from Frederick Douglass and A. Philip Randolph to Nat King Cole and Dr. Martin Luther King.

I can understand you liking "Me Against the World" but making a fucking 7-foot bronze statue of the kid is fucking exaggeration.

Los Amigos Invisibles - The Venezuelan Zinga Son, Vol. 1 Review

This is the semi-new album, from Los Amigos Invisibles, their third or fourth. After they lost some of their appeal to some people, they added the production team "Masters at Work," which consists of Kenny "Dope" Gonzalez and "Little" Louie Vega, trying to regain their place.

01 RICO PA' GOZA
An 8 second intro. Whatever.

02 COMODON JOHNSON
A laid back bossa nova song. It's just a little too slow to be this long, but its good for what it is.

03 UNA DISCO LLENA
Getting to a more "latin funk anthem" vibe here, this song is faster and holds up better to its length (5:31).

04 VENEZUELAN ZINGA SON
Sounding like the last song, cause theyre suppossed to be interconnected. This one is noticeably shorter (2:30). It also is a stronger song than the last one, from my point of view.

05 PLAYA AZUL
Once again, a funky feel to a beachside bossa nova song. It also has alot more singing to it, so despite being a lengthier song, it holds up better than the first bossa nova song.

06 EASE YOUR MIND
This is a cover of a Scottish band's song. It sounds smooth, with its sparkling keys and funky bass and sax. The accented English can be kind of annoying though.

07 ISYORMAIN
This sounds like the last one. Hold on, i get it. Its says Is (Ease) Yor (Your) Main (Mind). Its not as good as Ease Your Mind but its definitely interesting.

08 GERUNDIO
More of a salsa flavor on this one, but they do really never stick to one style - case in point, this has a synth and a funk guitar. Oh and Im really not getting the titles.

09 OJOS CERRANDO
This doesnt really standout except for the drummer, who gets more aggressive here. Otherwise its far from bad, just that it doesnt stand out in between the other songs.

10 ESTO ES LO QUE HAY
I'm pretty sure this is the lead single. Another more Salsa-ish song. This one has great lyrics and overall rhythm. This one is a standout track.

11 MAJUNCHE
Pretty cool funk track, but there's better on this album. Is it just me, or does this song have a slight jazz vibe?

12 MAMBO CHIMBO
Interesting. I actually get the feeling that I like this song more than I should.

13 DIABLO
This is produced by DJ Dimitri from Paris. I remember a song by him called "Give Me Love", where the video was a pile of lesbians singing or something like that. Lesbians aside, this is a good funk track.

14 CALNE
This song sounds old. I've heard better.

15 SUPERF*CKER
A somewhat humorous song mocking a guy who tell girls its like he had super fucking powers.

16 BRUJA
This one has uptempto tropical percussion and some superb guitar playing. Ovearll, real good.

17 GORDITAS DE MARIO
Another somewhat humorous song. This serves its purpose but its not a highlight. Btw, its an 8:35 song, and you swear its gonna end right now, and then it doesnt, at least 4 times.

18 ESTO ES LO QUE HAY (REGGAETON REMIX)
This song has some really creative horns, and that little reggaeton drum beat except not programmed and bland, but with someone banging on a drum set. Theres a funky bassline and synths as well as a piano hidden in there as well. This is probably the best reggaeton song ive heard ever, and ive heard alot (mostly not by choice.)

BEST SONGS: Esto Es Lo Que Hay and the remix, Ease Your Mind, Bruja, Venezuelan Zinga Son, Playa Azul.

RATING: 4.5 / 5

Jin disses SunN.Y

For those of you who don't know who SunNY is, I advise you to go to My Blog and get some knowledge.

In a recent interview SunNY was asked about, fellow battle rapper, Jin's retirement. SunNY responded, " Real spitters ain’t quitters. That’s all I got to say about that. Real spitters ain’t quitters. He made us all look bad by doing that. People already buy into the myth that freestyle rappers can’t make records. He just [reinforced] that."

I can understand SunNY being angry at Jin for retiring. Its hard enough for battle rappers to get put on, without having some bama retire in the middle of his contract. But if you speak son you should expect a response, and did Jin ever respond. Jin flat out murdered him and Jurmaine Dupree on the track. And then gave him an "Open Invitation" to take away his Battle Emcee crown at this years Hip Hop summit. This is on some WWF type shit. I would post the song here but I dont know how to, so suffice to say, its pretty good.

Untalented Rapper Quote of the Week

This excerpt is taken from and interview of rapper Jim Jones
Sez HipHopDX.com:

Tell me about your new album, Harlem: The Diary Of A Summer.
I didn’t know if I was going to do an album. I just keep taking people’s money and they want an album. Shit is like homework to me. I didn’t ever do homework. I cheated all my life. I pulled it together. I came out with a bomb ass project. It just started feeling like summertime. All the shit that we go through is the shit that was coming out. If you listen to it real close, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.
This actually explains a lot believe it or not. I had been wondering how someone could be so bad at rapping still continue to put albums out. Now we know the reason why his albums are so bad and his flow is so terrible. According to him, HES NOT EVEN TRYING!! Only in America could someone be as terrible at what he does as him, and still be filthy rich.

Living Legends: Album Review

8ball and MJG attempts to bring their southern-fried Memphis sound to the mainstream with this release, and by golly they pull it off. The album opens with the club bangin' lead single "You dont want drama" and rarely relents from them on. Following that song is my personal favorite on the album, "Straight Cadillac Pimpin'". The production on this song is crazy, the sound of a church service in the background, complements the track nicely. With those two bangers at the beggining of the album I was a little leary of the possibility that the other 14 songs on the album would not add up. But while there is obvious filler in between, the real gems outweighs the crap.

Getting national airplay apparently involves selling your soul to Puff Daddy, so the track with 112, "Trying to get at you", and Puffy, "Baby Girl", are as bad as they sound here, and MJG does not change his flow throughought the whole album. But even all of that is not enough to derail this album. Cuts like "Forever" and "Shot Off" are definately tracks you can ride to (nh?).And just when you think that you've got them figured out they flip the script on songs like "We do it" and probably the albums best cut (not my personal favorite however) "Memphis City Blues".

This album definately has its skippable moments, but they are outnumbered by the times you find yourself bobbing your head to the music (nh).

3.5 stars out of 5

Best Tracks: "Straight Cadillac Pimpin'", "Memphis City Blues", "You Dont want Drama"