Saturday, May 27, 2006

Pitchfork Needs to shut the fuck up

So today I stumbled upon Pitchfork's review of the first 4 Run-DMC albums.
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/r/run-dmc/run-dmc-king-of-rock-raising-hell-tougher-than-leather.shtml

This is how they rated it
Run-DMC: 8.1
King of Rock: 5.7
Raising Hell: 7.7
Tougher Than Leather: 6.4

That's right. They think it's all mediocre at best. This is why "hipsters" on the Internets shouldn't review hip-hop. Cause undoubtedly, they say this sucks while the best shit ever is...what? Kanye West, Buck 65, Atmosphere, Aesop Rock...I mean come on here.

I never expected Pitchfork to have any idea what the hell they're talking about, but this is just too much.

Also, new rule: you can't have people who have literally built shrines on the internets to an artist review their new album. Yes, I'm talking about "Late Menstruation" by Kanye West. 9.5? Now that's some bullshit.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Fox Full Of Urine

vincentefox.jpgI hate to be in agreement with Conservatives, but I can't stand Vincente Fox. I hate him and his accent. I think one of his great ancestors may have raped one of my great ancestors. If I could, I would urinate all over his Mexican face. And not in the good way. He wouldn't enjoy it, because I wouldn't drink water for over a week. So, my urine would be nice and yellow and funky, like the front of my drawers.

And I don't hate Pepe just because he's Mexican. I hate him because the dude hasn't come close to creating a Mexico where my Mexican brothers can earn a decent wage.

And I hate him because he promotes his people coming over the border illegally and putting their lives in danger just so that they can be used like slaves by the white devil, all so "his people" can send their slave wages back home.

Why? Because that's the only way the Mexican government can continue being corrupt and still staying paid. The truth is: U.S. dollars help prop up filthy corrupt Mexican administrations.

And he has the nerve to piss on the black man because we won't work jobs for crap dollars. That bitch don't know that niggers used to do those jobs for free back in the day. It was called working on the plantation during the slave days.

And the sad thing is that my brothers still had to work those jobs after the Civil War, after we were supposed to be free, all because Jim Crow laws forced blacks into segregated housing and low wage occupations, the same kind of housing and jobs Mexicans take this present day. And comparably, in terms of inflation, Mexicans ain't getting paid much more than blacks were getting back then.

And that bitch had the nerve to rip on blacks for not taking those jobs. Well, I rip on his bitch ass for promoting that his people be taken advantage of by a government that only wants their labor and none of their culture.

So, I whip this one out for you, Vincente. May my piss stay on you a lifetime, you bastard.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Havoc = Thumbs Up!

I was flipping through the On Demand listings of movies, and saw Havoc was showing. I had heard of the movie, most notably for the frequent Anne Hathaway nude scenes that were supposed to be in it. I read somewhere that it was borderline pornographic, and the movie studio decided not to release it in theaters, instead, taking it straight to DVD. And when I saw that On Demand was showing the Unrated version, I knew I had to watch it.

In terms of acting and story progression, this was a pretty basic movie. There wasn't anything groundbreaking in it. I wonder what drew Hathaway to star in this movie after doing all those family films. Maybe it was to break that wholesome girl image. And who's to say it wasn't a good move since she would eventually star in the Oscar nominated, Brokeback Mountain. She probably wouldn't have gotten that role without doing this one first.

Back to the movie. From what I remember, the story is about these white boy, Tupac-lovin', thug-wannabes, who act out the gangsta life from their rich surburban LA stomping grounds. Anne Hathaway plays the main white boy's beyotch. And the gang is being filmed by this little nerd film maker, for what, I really never found out.

Important point: Anne Hathaway has this best friend, played by this Bijou Philips chick, who wants nothing more than to be Hathaway's main chick, and I got the feeling she wasn't just thinking in the platonic sense. Bijou believes to win Hathaway's respect and continued friendship, she has to out-gangsta her. And as the story progresses, this pretty much results in Bijou out-slutting Hathaway.

The story progresses when Hathaway and her crew gets a taste of the real gangsta life when her crew visits the barrio to meet up with some Mexicans for some drugs. At least that's what I think what was going on. For some reason, which I can't remember, one of the white boys gets beat down by the main Mexican dude. And when Hathaway sees the main Mexican dude, it's like slut at first site.

So, Hathaway gets her girl crew together and they head back to the hood to go to some Mexican block party. And the girls pretty much slut themselves out, except this chick that I remember was on this alien show a few years ago. I think she played the chick who was in love with the main male alien. I forget what the name of that show was. I think it used to come on UPN.

Anyway, pretty soon, Hathaway is getting major vibes from the head Mexican dude, and he eventually invites her to some private party at some hotel. Now this is when the real action starts to happen. Hathaway brings Bijou and they chill with the Mexicans in the hotel room. They pretty much get wasted, especially Bijou. This leads to Hathaway asking the main Mexican dude if she could enter his gang.

At first he thinks she's joking, but pretty soon, he offers up a test. The Mexican dude tells the two chicks that the only way they can get in the gang is if they sleep with the crew. He tells them that each of them will have to roll a dice, and what ever number comes up is the number they'll have to do in the crew. Hathaway and Bijou agree, and they all go into the bedroom.

In the bedroom, Hathaway is the first to roll, and she gets lucky. She rolls a one. And no suprise here, she picks the main Mexican dude. Now it's Bijou's turn. And wouldn't you know it, she rolls a three. She chooses the main Mexican dude's best hombre to start with. So, now Hathaway is going at it with the main Mexican dude, and Bijou is getting slutty with his homeboy.

Hathaway, after watching Bijou slut it up a little, chickens out, and the main Mexican dude kicks her tease ass out. He then starts up on Bijou, who is only happy to please. But then things go bad, because I can only assume that Bijou wasn't ready to give up the anus just yet. The main Mexican dude calls back his best hombre, who decides to hit the "other hole." Bijou takes it for awhile, but you can tell she ain't handling it all that well. That's when she starts moaning uncomfortably.

Hathaway rushes back in after hearing her scream, and tells the Mexicans to get off her home girl. The Mexicans quickly reply. And then the main Mexican tells Hathaway to get her white ass out of his neighborhood, and don't come back.

Afterwards, everything seems okay for the two girls until Bijou stops coming to school. Hathaway wonders what's wrong with her friend and goes to visit her. When she gets to Bijou's house, she finds out that she isn't welcomed anymore. She also finds out that Bijou has decided to file rape charges against the Mexicans.

Hathaway knows that it's crap and eventually decides not to go along with it, but not before the white boy crew get together to take out the Mexicans, and two Mexicans decide to take out the white girls. Both the white boys and the Mexicans fail, but in a sense of fate, they both cross each other's path while driving back to their respective neighborhoods. I think it's implied that somebody gets killed, but we really don't get to see the aftermath.

By the end, Hathaway reveals to Bijou's parents that it's all a lie, and that Bijou was never raped. She may have been turned out, but she wasn't raped. Although, I'm sure there are some who think if an intoxicated chick willingly has sex with a dude, it's still rape. But I won't get into that. The perspective of the movie is that she wasn't raped.

So, the movie ends with Bijou and Hathaway talking through the bathroom door while Bijou is taking a bath. Bijou eventually forgives Hathaway for telling her parents that she's essentially a ho'. And then some crappy music starts playing.

I don't know what the moral of the story is. I guess it's, don't hang out with Mexicans, or something like that. And I don't really get what the ending means. In fact, I really don't know why anyone would want to watch this movie, outside of the nudity. I guess it's a positive when you stay, uh, stiff throughout most of a movie. And plus, you don't feel all dirty because it wasn't like you were watching a porno or something. In fact, you were watching something that Roger Ebert gave thumbs up to. So, it must be worthwhile. Right?

Monday, May 22, 2006

New Hire

I’ve been putting off writing these words on this page. I think it’s the fear of failing at something substantial, something I really care about. Or maybe it’s my laziness.

I hate admitting it to myself, but I think I’m lazy. I don’t like working. I don’t mind working as long as I get paid. But I don’t like working, even when I get paid. They could pay me a million dollars to do the job I do, and I wouldn’t like it. I would do it, but I wouldn’t like it.

That’s the whole deal about the work ethic. The work ethic is about working, and working hard, even if you don’t like it. It’s about going to work everyday, and being on time, and doing a good job, even when you can’t stand the job you’re doing.

And most people won’t tell you this, but you will hate working almost all of the time. Even if you like doing what you’re doing, like being a porn star, or getting paid to play video games and smoke weed, you’re going to eventually hate doing it even if you’re getting paid to do it. Why?

Well, the whole deal about work is that you’re not just getting paid to do a job. Instead, you’re getting paid to do a job for five to six days a week, for up to eight hours a day. That means you’re really getting paid for your time.

I once had a job like a gopher, you know, one of those dudes that go get stuff for other people. The thing is, most people never asked me to get stuff for them. So, I spent most of my day sitting around waiting for someone to tell me to go get stuff for them. And I spent the rest of my day going to get stuff, like driving to some UPS store, or walking over to the cafeteria to get a sandwich. So, in the end, what the company was really paying me for was my time, my time spent walking, driving and sitting around.

You may say that that's the perfect job, but doing nothing all day gets old pretty quickly. You just can't do nothing for eight hours a day, five days a week, and like it. In fact, you can't do something for that amount of time and like it. Like they say, there really is too much of a good thing. Doing the same damn thing for eight hours a day everyday just isn't a good thing.

And that's why work is work. It doesn't matter what you do, or how hard it is to do, or how hard you really try to do it. Because no matter what you do, it's the doing it everyday, the repetitive nature of it, that makes it work. The fact that you're stuck at this one place, doing this one thing, everyday, for half the day, is the pure constitution of what work really is. And it's why you will never be happy working at anything. That's why someone has to pay you to do it. There’s always a job no one wants or can do, and most companies don’t mind, up to a point, paying someone to do that job, no matter how menial it is.

I used to work for this electronic trade publication company. My boss got promoted to assistant director. Her first orders of the day were to pass off half the duties that were a part of her job onto her underlings, which I was one of. So, all her copying, faxing, and phone answering went to me. I also ended up doing most of her data entry, packet filling, and mailings.

I quickly understood that most of my job duties were many of the things she didn’t want to do. Of course, I didn’t get a raise with these new duties. Instead, they gave me this bullshit title that I could use on all my future resumes. And that came in handy when the company eventually mentioned layofs.

By the way, layoffs are when a company realizes that they’re paying you to do some dumb ass bullshit, and they decide they could possibly consolidate your bullshit duties with someone else’s bullshit duties. The only problem with that is the longer you work with a company, the more bullshit duties you get. Simply put, the bullshit compounds over time.

So, by the time they lay you off, you’re doing so much bullshit that a company finds that they can’t just give your bullshit to just one person because that would be just too much bullshit for one person to handle. So, they eventually have to lay your bullshit off on more than one person, and they learn even that's too much bullshit to handle. So, after a while they eventually hire someone to do what you did when you were first hired. And the cycle begins anew.

The Fall Season

Recently, the new fall season was unveiled, or revealed. Here are some of the shows I might be checking out next season:


NBC:
Law and Order: SVU
The Office
Law and Order: CI
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Kidnapped

Law and Order: SVU used to suck. I couldn't stand this show. But I found myself watching this show occsionally on Tuesdays, but only when the Shield wasn't on. It's gotten better over time. And I may have to watch it on a regular basis next year.

I've seen a couple of commercials for this show Kidnapped which have enticed me enough to catch the first couple of shows next year. It's about this kid who's been kidnapped, and, well, I don't know what else. I hear it will show, from different perspectives, the events taking place to save this kid.

Studio 60 has been getting a lot of buzz recently. It's the new Aaron Sorkin show starring Matthew Perry about the backstage crap surrounding this SNL-like show.

Fox:
24
American Dad
Family Guy
Prison Break (possibly)
The Simpsons
Standoff

I don't know what the hell's Standoff about, but it stars Ron Livingston, who most of you don't know. He spent a year on the Practice and was in that Swingers movie with Vince Vaughn, at least I think it was Swingers. It could have been something else.

The CW:
Gilmore Girls
Veronica Mars
WWE Smackdown

I don't see myself watching much of anything on the new CW. But I like wrestling, so I'll be watching Smackdown. And I've been checking out Veronica Mars here and there, and I've come to enjoy the show. But I might not make it through Gilmore Girls.

ABC:
Lost
George Lopez
Traveler

The Traveler is supposed to be this mid-season replacement show. And the premise is killer. Three dudes come up with this big time prank to play, but they find out the prank has been played on them, at least two of them. Because two of the guys get caught up in this terrorist bombing plot. And the third friend has seemingly disappeared. GOTCHA SUCKA! Ho-ho, that's funny.

CBS:
I don't watch CBS

Monday, May 15, 2006

My Splash

Back Up Beyotch, unless you want nut in yo eye.
I neva, eva, eva, eva seen a beyotch CRY!

In between sweating, sleeping and covering my nose from the stench of hot girl liquor and booty smells, I happened to check out one of the few funny sketches on SNL this year. It was this one about MySpace.

There was this class being taught by the dude from that Lazy Sunday video, the gay curly-haired one. And he was teaching one of those adult continuing education classes about how to set up a site on MySpace.

His students consisted of one mother, played by Julia Louis Dreyfus, trying to better understand this new thing her daughter was into, and several old ass dudes who were there to "pick" up some fresh meat, Dateline-style. It was one of those topical jokes, since MySpace has been in the news lately concerning all weird things teen-ager-y. Yeah, I know that's not a real word, but I couldn't think of anything better.

Most of the jokes in the sketch consisted of the old dudes asking about how they could fake their names and images so that they could appear much younger. The sketch ended when a cop came in to ask directions, and all the perverts broke out except Horatio Sanz, who hid behind a plant. The gay curly-haired dude tells Julia Louis Dreyfus that maybe her daughter should stay off the Internet. And she agrees.

Amusing. I found it amusing, and because it's sooo true. That's when you know it's funny, because it's true. That's how real life is. True. That's how real life is... Yeah, I just repeated myself. Just like a box of chocolates. Huh?

I've been on MySpace a couple of times, and I usually don't stay on "it" long. Why? Because the design is awful. Most pages are like crappy bulletin boards, or better yet, guest books. Half the pictures aren't safe for work. Usually I can't tell the real content from some 3rd Party content that's on the site. Let me rephrase that: there is no real content on MySpace. There's always some weird cheesy music playing in the background. Most of pages don't use transparency well. I hate headers that follow all the way down the page. I just don't see how the hell MySpace became so popular.

Well, I guess I can understand. It's simple, I mean the design. MySpace doesn't take much thought. Most people throw up (and by that, I mean vomit) a background image, then they put some audio clips on the site to automatically play when you reach it, and they "make friends" with other people, which usually means link whoring.

Link whoring is when you link to people you have nothing in common with just so they'll link back. It used to be all the rage in blogging. I still get people asking me to put a link up for their site. I doubt if most of them have ever read more than a page on my site. But that's how most people get an audience.

I believe that's what's going on over on MySpace. "Make friends' with someone popular, and hope the magic starts. And I don't mean juvenile anal rape. That's a whole 'nother magic there. I'm talking about becoming popular through your website, loser.

Hee-hee. I can't make real friends. So, I'll live through my web site. Then, I'll finally have love in my lifeLoser. Be a man. Real men except their destinies: me, eventually becoming rich and famous, with a big bootied freak on each arm; and you, staying a loser and only having yourself to love. Live with it.

Me. I say, Eff a Friend! I'd rather stay friends with my man, Harry Palms. Harry has never hurt me, except on those occasions when he rubs me the wrong way. Then I hurt really bad, but only in the most good way. Because of the jokes he tells. Sometimes they're funny. And other times, they're hilarious.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Freeway Ricky - The CrackMaster

ross3.jpgHit them balls, you beyotch.

Rick Ross. Not the fat bastard down in Miami. I'm talking about the real Rick Ross, the one who took the crack game from some backwatered 1970s shit to the big time hood demolition killer it is today, the negro who took that Nicaraguan CIA money, and with the help of the Crips, made Crack the greatest ill in the inner city next to Pork and AIDS. Now that's some major company.

How did he do this? Let's just say that home skillet got lucky, if you call lucky being played like a bitch. Negro was targeted by this Blandon dude, who worked for this big time drug cartel king named, Meneses. Meneses worked for the CIA, recruiting beyotches in the US for the Contra movement down in Nicaragua. The CIA and Menses used cocaine sells to fund the guerilla war in the country.

Think of it as old school Vietnam, American Democracy vs the Communist Devils, in this case Castro and the Cubans, who the United States believed were backing the Sandinista government. So, the United States decided to wage war against Nicaragua, and used independent guerilla fighters, the Contras, as the foot soldiers. But the Contras needed dough to fight their war, and Reagan wouldn't be able to get them money legally, because, well, the U.S. wasn't supposed to be backing the Contras. So, the Contras had to think of other ways.

On the U.S. side, Reagan's dogs, most notably Ollie North, authorized the sell of weapons to Iran, who were, and still, our enemy. They used the money from these weapon sales to directly fund the Contra movement. And on the Contras side, they sent Meneses up north to California, who helped create a pipeline of Cocaine from Columbia to the U.S.

The Contras bought the coke from the Columbian drug cartels. They had that shit flown up north to Texas, and then the shit was distributed, first out west, and soon all over. But Meneses couldn't be directly connected to that shit. I mean, he was a revolutionary, right? So he recruited Blandon, who decided the best way to build some funds was to flood the nigger communities with cocaine.

Blandon needed someone who had connections, someone the niggers would buy from. And he chose Rick Ross. Rick Ross was drug hustling and had connections within the Crip gangs. He could sell to them, and they, in turn, could sell deep within the ghettos of LA.

Meneses pumped so much Cocaine up north, and Ross had such a great supply, that eventually cocaine, which used to be only affordable to the rich white type, was being sold at bargain prices on the street.

Another reason why prices were so cheap was because the drug cartels were using U.S. protected transportation routes to distribute the shit. Some of the shit was being dropped off at U.S. Air Force bases directly from Columbia. That meant that the distributors down south in Latin America could connect directly with the U.S. drug distributors up north in the U.S. And with distribution less costly, cocaine up north could be sold at cheaper prices.

Now, you're wondering what does that have to do with crack. Well, crack was popular in underground circles because the high from crack was immediate. It takes 10 to 15 seconds to get high off of crack, versus 10 to 15 minutes for regular old cocaine. So, for some cocaine users, crack was a better high. But to make crack, you still needed cocaine. And up until Meneses and Blandon flooded the streets with cocaine, cocaine prices were still pretty high. So, small-time beyotches like Ross just didn't have the bank to build in those circles.

But after the Coke flood, with prices cheap, Ross and the gangs could expand their profits promoting the higher potency crack. Crack was perfect. Crack was simply a cut version of cocaine with a potency equal or greater than the powdered shit. And the demand for that shit was on the rise. People were looking for a mass marketed version of cocaine they could smoke, since the vapors from the cocaine would reach their system at a greater speed. The gangs could sell lower quality cocaine that would still leave their customers satisfied. And they could sell that shit at prices lower than powdered cocaine, meaning their poor ass clients could finally afford the shit.

Of course, after all the hood beyotches around the nation heard the rumblings of what was happening out west, they had to get in on the action. So, that meant mo' money for Ross and the Crips, who started connecting with all the other gangs across the nation, spreading the epidemic throughout the inner city as we know it.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Bye Bye, Fatty.

I hear Barbara Wah-Wah is trying to kick "Tiny" off the View. Apparently all because of that greasy lesbian, Rosie O'Donnell. I can't stand her. I don't know if I should be happy or pissed, because the only thing I hate more than Star Jones, is Rosie O'Donnell. And the both of them together would have made me sick. So, I guess I should be glad. But I'm not. Because I hate them. Yeah, I know I already said that. But I really hate them.

And it's not because they're both fat. Because I got love for my fat peoples. I've been known to bang a chick or two with a little grease and fat back on the frame. There's probably a porno tape of me hittin a couple from the back, or in the back on those days when I was wigged out on coke -- Coca-Cola, that is. Cotdamn! Cotdamn! I love me some Coke.

Funny how something that you thought would make you happy, not making you all that happy after all. I thought I'd be all happy and giggly when the day came that Star Jones would be off all television screens forever. But I'm not. And it's all because of Conan O'Brien.

I bet you thought I was gonna say Rosie O'Donnell. Well, I was going to say Rosie O'Donnell, but I didn't because I knew that you'd be expecting me to say that. So, I didn't. In fact, I didn't say anything, because I'm typing on a keyboard, and keyboards can't talk. Ha-ha! I hate you.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Give Me Death

I can understand why Zacarias Moussaoui wasn't sentenced to death. I mean, the dude wanted to die. Sure, I doubt if he wanted to be strapped to a table and have a needle holding chemical death inserted into his arm, but still, dying by US Government hands was better than nothing. And now he has to live out his life in prison knowing how miserably he failed, that he won't die a martyr, and will live out his life a loser. No virgins in heaven for him.

Funny how not killing a man could be construed as being a greater punishment. But I feel that way everyday. Because life is a bitch. It sucks whatever joy and amazement you're born with and leaves your soul empty and blackened. How else can you explain old people, who once were happy and vital, having their last days living crippled and bitter.

I see it all the time, especially with my grandmother. She had a stroke a couple of years ago. And she should be dead. The stroke, or strokes because she had one major stroke and several minor ones, took her out, one happening right after the other like an earthquake with aftershocks. It pretty much left her mentally debilatated. This was a woman who took care of herself, paid her own bills, drove her own car, deep into her eighties. And now she slouches around pissing and drooling on herself.

I guess I know why she's pissed off most of the time. I bet it's an embarrassment, the way she is. And she can't really take out her anger on anyone but those around her. And yet, she doesn't realize that we're the main reason she's still alive. Or, maybe, deep down she knows this. Maybe that's why she stays so angry at me and my mother. We're the main reason she's still alive, and she doesn't like that one bit.

I remember seeing this South Park episode where one of the kid's grandparents is constantly asking the kid to kill him. I don't think most grandparents can bring themselves to ask their children to take them out.

Maybe it's guilt. Everybody knows how filthy our court system is. You could be doing your grandma a favor by putting that pillow over her head and sending her home to Baby Jesus. But that act of kindness could end with you getting locked up in jail. That's life for putting your grandma out of her misery.

And that saddens me. Because my grandma is suffering the same pain and humilation that terrorist feels daily. Everyday she has to live like some filthy murderer, the same woman who helped raise me, and made sure I was happy and taken care of when I was younger.

I guess, when I think about it like that, I can live with her contempt. She's earned it.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Hispanics are ruining hip-hop

Wait, no they're not. I think we all know that the people ruining it are the Tall Israelis runnin' this rap shit.

But really, some of this reggaeton bullshit is fucking inexcusable. Seriously. After having the 3 hispanic kids behind me blast some bullshit for a long time, I finally went to them and said "does it ever bother you that they all have the same motherfucking drumbeat?" of course I was greeted with all sorts of retarded half-arguments, including the girl who said "well you can say that about any music, like you know when you listen to jazz that you're listening to jazz." Which of course brings up the questions "huh?" and "what the fuck are you talking about?" My only response was: "are you seriously comparing this shit to jazz music?" I mean, seriously people. There is more variation in half a jazz song than the entire genre of reggaeton.

Cinco de mayo irritates me. There, I said it. White people (who as we all know are devoid of any actual culture, and thus steal shit and proceed to water it down completely, see: jazz) get a vague sense of a celebration which involves brown people speaking spanish and tequila. The rest is a blur. Some random occurance in Mexican history is now an excuse to get drunk. Way to go, retards.

No one gives a fuck about Cinco de mayo outside of the US and Mexico, and even in Mexico its not a big deal (in fact, it probably is a bigger deal in the US). I bet you that 99% of the people who celebrate have only some sort of vague idea what the hell they're celebrating.

---QUICK HISTORY LESSON---
Im going to breeze thru this. Basically, Napoleon III sends a bunch of well-armed frogs to take over Mexico. The Mexican army, which should lose because they suck, win. This happened on the 5th of may. Woo-hoo cinco de mayo!

Except not. Napoleon III got word of this and he was like "fuck these bitches" and just sent more frogs over, and this time the frogs won. He put in Archduke Maxmillian as Emperor of Mexico. Woo-hoo European domination!

So you see, its about winning a battle in a war that the Mexicans lost. Isnt that awesome? Yeah, again, way to go, retards.

Of course, 5 years after, the Mexican rebels got rid of the Emperor, wrote a new constitution, elected a president, yadda yadda. Of course, white people dont get drunk on that day.

If one person asks me if I'm celebrating Cinco de mayo (spanish for "Day where we pretend to like Latinos, who are all Mexicans"), I will have to smack a bitch.

In short: fuck this bullshit.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Basic Crapola 2

Here's an update about Basic Instinct 2.  I skimmed through an alternate universe possible Internet bootleg of that movie.  And man was it bad.  That's the kind of movie make a man go gay.

I found it hard to sit through.  All those people speaking in that weird foreign British language.  All the crappy dialogue and acting.  And Sharon Stone doesn't even get all that naked in the movie. 

I mean, by the time she really gets naked, most of the movie is over.  And then when we do see her naked, it's like seeing Skelator with tennis balls glued to his chest.  It's bad.  I mean, I LOVE nudity, and even I was begging for her to put her clothes back on.

Thank god it bombed at the box office.  Thank you, Baby

Zoho

If you see several words in my posts jumbled together, it's not entirely due to my ignorance and stupidity, although that may be a part of it.  Instead, I've been testing out this thing called ZohoWriter.  It's one of those on-line word processors.  I like it because I can work on crap between my home computer and my work computer, without really saving anything on either.  Only thing is, every time I post using Zoho, several of the words end up jumbled together in places.  And unfortunately, I'm too lazy to go into blogger and edit my posts.  If it wasn't for this one minor thing, I'd recommend it. I guess I have to wait until Writely reopens.

Gristlez

I'm thinking of changing my name to Gristles.  Or Gristlez, with a "Z" on the end.  I'm tired of being a Doctar, with an "A" instead of an "O." 

I'm thinking either Savage Gristlez, or Bloody Gristlez, or just plain Gristlez.  Maybe add Brillo.  Or Brill-Gristlez.  Murda Brill-Gristlez, the Assassin.  That sounds catchy.

You know if you add Brillo to Gristlez, you get Beyotches. 

Or maybe not. 

Only reason I thought about keeping the "Savage" is that you gotta have a hard sounding name when you're associated with hip-hop, although I really haven't been associated with hip-hop in a long time.  But old habits are hard to break.  So, I'm still searching for something hard...  You know what to do.

Or I was searching for something hard...  Whatever...  But then I decided to go in the opposite direction.  I decided to go for uniqueness.  I wanted a name that I knew no one else would have.  But then I figured out that the only names not taken sounded really gay.  Like Flimsy.  MC Sissy-bot.  DJ Booty-Up.  Or the Limp MC.  Stuff like that. 

So, I went in a slightly different direction.  I decided to take aname that was unique, although I thought that it still might be already taken.  So I went with Gristles.  And then, to be even more unique, I added the "Z" on the end. 

Afterwards, I plugged my new name into Google, and nothing came up...  So I took the "Z" off.  And the only real thing I came up with was Throbbing Gristle, which was some industrial group or something.  But nobody came up by the name of Gristlez. Although, I guess I can tell why, especially after seeing throbbing gristle.  My new name sounds kind of ...  gay.

Still, I don't care.  I expect to still be addressed as Gristlez.  Although I think it's even more imperative that I add a mean sounding adjective to the beginning of my name.  Just not bloody.  I don't think I can handle a bloody gristle....  Do what you gotta do...

Thief

There's this show on FX called Thief.  I've been watching it for the past couple of weeks.  First, I saw it over my mother's house.  Then, I taped it at home.  And when my vcr started acting funny, I possibly downloaded the past few episodes off of Bittorrent.

It's about this big-time head of this heist crew down in New Orleans whose wife is killed in a car accident.  He's forced to continue taking care of her daughter, his step-daughter, even though she hates his Negro guts.  The step-daughter knows that he just killed one of his crew, who happened to mess up big time on their last heist because he was on the pipe.  And the step-daughter, after witnessing the killing, becomes more suspicious about her step-father, searching through his things, trying to figure out who he really is.  All the while, he's being hunted down by a crooked cop out to get one final payday before being booted off the force, and a  hitman sent out by the head of a Chinese mafia clique whose money is stolen from a bank hit by the heist crew in the first episode. 

The crew returns the money, but the head Chinese dude still wants them dead, and he sends his nephew out to hook up with the hitman, who happens to have Parkinson's Disease, so that they can take out the heist crew together.  And all of this is happening while the heist crew is trying to get one big payday by hitting a DEA cashload on an in-flight airplane. 

Yeah, it sounds convoluted to me also.  But most of the time, it works.  The first two episodes are somewhat weak and stilted, but every episode afterwards has gotten better than the last.  The writers have built great suspense in the storyline, although I think most of the characters and plot devices are weird and unconvincing. 

Take the character, Bump.  The first episode has the characters how none of the guilt he will display throughout the rest of the series.  It felt odd that by episode two, where the events follow right after the shooting in episode one, that Bump would, all of a sudden, show guilt where he showed none before.  It felt more like a plot device than natural character progression, like they needed drama within the crew.  The same goes for Gabo's claustophobia all of the sudden showing up just as the airplane heist is about to go down.  And then you add Malik Yoba's character, all of a sudden, wanting see his wife and kids, bringing them to New Orleans even though he knows the Chinese mafia has a hit out on his head.  Alltogether, it just seems kind of weird.

Still, the show has me coming back for more.  And I'm looking forward to the season finale that's supposed to show this Tuesday.  Already, we've seen the end of the real nephew and the dirty cop.  Gabo, one of the members of the heist crew, has been shot.  The crew has just pulled off one of the biggest heists of their career.  The step daughter has run away.  And the feds may be just about ready to come after the people who've just stolen 20million from them. 
I doubt if all of this will be resolved in the final episode.  But seeing as I've heard that this show may not come back for another season, I hope that at least half of these plot lines will be resolvedby the end of this episode.