Lettin these dumb motherfuckers know

"Ozzy Osbourne - Black Rain" Review

2007-05-19T10:21:00.000-05:00

Not counting various cover albums, best-of's, box sets, and live albums, this is the Ozzman's first CD in six years. His band is still mostly the same (since Rob Trujillo left for Metallica, ex-Rob Zombie bassist Blasko has joined up), with ex-Faith No More's Mike Bordin on drums and the Ozz's longtime sideman, guitarist Zakk Wylde. The result is that the album still sounds a lot like previous ones, with Zakk's use of fat guitar tones and pinch harmonics still a main focus. Of course after a lot of Ozzy CD's and Black Label Sociey CD's, Zakk's style feels a bit tired at times. Bordin gives a nice, pounding rhythm and Blasko is solid. The album sounds modern, but Ozzy's voice, which despite his age is in fine shape, gives it a oddly timeless feel.

Clearly, his age is on his mind, and with retirement talk mulling, Ozzy intends "Black Rain" as a bit of a "never say die" salvo, coming right out of the gate with "Not Going Away" and "I Don't Wanna Stop." The second is also the album's first single, which is a fine choice, the catchy call-to-arms chorus is great for MTV airplay but it has enough headbanging guitar to keep metal fans happy. The CD's happy rush gets bogged down a bit on track 3, the title track, which is moody but not much else. Then comes the ballad ("Lay Your World on Me"), which is like pretty much every Ozzy ballad: incredibly cheesy and pretty terrible. There's more headbanging, doomy stuff later, and some parts geniuinely groove - but truly, the CD is at it's best when it keeps the tempo up and just rocks. "Silver" is a good example, building tension effectively and adding some exciting parts and some really nice Zakk Wylde playing. "Here For You" is a more than competent ballad, even if it's bogged down by extreme amounts of cheese and "Countdown's Begun" has a catchy keyboard riff even if not much else. Album closer "Trap Door" has a rousing middle part, a cool riff or two, and a nice guitar melody on the chorus, but it's bogged down a bit by way too many vocal effects and Rob Zombie-isms.

From a musical standpoint, the CD is another solid collection of modern heavy metal tunes executed proffessionally. Lyrically, it's nothing new: songs about how crazy he is and how much he rocks and woefully cheesy ballads - it's the same thing he's been working since his solo debut. The kink being pushed is a little political topics, but that is nothing new either ("Crazy Train" anyone?). And ultimately, the main problem is how familiar it all sounds: it's the same vocal effects Ozzy always uses, it's the same scale Zakk always uses, it's all not that different. Even the things that are new to Ozzy have been overdone to death by industrial rock acts like Rob Zombie and Prong (and this was in the late 90's, when the style was popular!). At times it's sludgy and doomy, which is cool considering Ozz's Sabbath past, but it's not that novel. It's okay coming out of the speakers, even though it has filler and those nearly unlistenable ballads, it plays well and Ozzy sounds good, his whine still is endearing and it has enough decent riffs to headbang to, but it's mostly forgettable. "I Don't Wanna Stop" is the clear standout, which is nice for Ozzy since it's the first single. It's probably not enough to warrant a purchase from casual fans, but Ozzheads will love the single and won't be too disappointed at all with the rest of the songs.

Sign this petition - Anthrax fans for Paul Di'Anno!

2007-02-25T10:25:00.000-05:00

http://www.petitiononline.com/anthdian/petition.html
even if you really dont care!

God himself will give you a cookie!

James Brown is Still Alive

2006-12-25T10:40:00.000-05:00

James Brown's down?
Who the funk do you think you're fooling?
For me, the man's still ruling
Stop the nonsense, stop telling lies
James Brown is still alive

http://download.yousendit.com/4257174350354B7C

UPDATE: Kanye West is still a bitch

2006-11-03T18:15:00.000-05:00

check it yourself:
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=2A53EAE4-3163-425A-8DDB-B095D148B886,3232B953-53BB-48F7-B930-357101106D93,5D3F9D81-E432-4C05-8C2C-7BD35FAF10B9&t=m2&f=06/64&p=

So your (mostly) boy Kanye lost again at some irrelevant award show (the European Music Awards) and lost it again (read: had a bitchfit). Basically, he lost the "Best Video" category to someone or something called Justice vs. Simian (appearently he/she/they/it are French). During the middle of the acceptance speech, Kanye got on stage to launch into another awkward rant, with a rather stupid point.

In his high pitched bitch voice, Kanye objected : "Aw hell no! Fuck this!"

West continued: "This video cost a million dollars! Pam Anderson was in it! I was jumping across canyons and shitt! If I don't win, the awards show loses... credibility. " (appearently no one told him that it was "Best Video" not "Most Expensive Video" or "Most Pam Andersons in a Video" or even "Most Kanye West Jumping Sequences")

The guy accepting the speech, obviously a little weirded out, started to reason with him (in a funny accent): "You already won Kanye...Share some of the awards" (i wonder if he intentionally talked to him like he was talking to a three year old throwing a temper tantrum over not having enough toys).

Kanye promptly put his arm around the guy's neck (nhjic) and told him: "It's not against you. It's not against you. I've never seen your video. It's not against you. It's not against you."

And here's where the real problem comes in: how does he know he has the best video if he's never seen the others? I mean, even if he mixed up "Best Video" for "Most Pam Andersons in a Video", it is entirely within the realm of possibility that these French fuckers had say, an army of Pam Anderson clones in their video. Shit, I dont know.

And come on, is anybody still not yet tired of the little awkward speeches and dumb comments? Someone has to beat him in the head and tell him he's not smart, nor is he "speaking from the heart" or even "keeping it real", he's just making an ass of himself repeatedly.

UPDATE: I also read that later Justin Timberlake, who was emceeing the event, got on stage and diffused some of the awkwardness with the following comments:

"After the show, Kanye will be in the parking lot accepting awards he did not win. Seriously though, I've got sexy covered, it's good to see someone's doing crazy."

BURN! By Justin Timberlake! Haha, that has to be a sad day for all Chicago rappers. Your most famous MC got burned by the ex-lead singer of the world's second-favorite boy band.

Pandora,com: Review

2006-10-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Pandora..com is a site where you give a song or artist name, and according to whatever you wrote, gives you a custom internet radio station with songs that resemble whatever you wrote. The idea is to find other music that you would probably like. The knowledge base is pretty impressive: pretty much any artist you type in, it can find. It's not as good with songs, obviously but it's till pretty impressive.

I started off with typing in "Danzig", even though I don't even like Danzig that much (even though Glen Danzig is a great singer). I just had the song "Mother" stuck in my head. Anyhow. It was pretty bad, I didn't like any of the songs.

Next I typed in "Ozomatli", one of my favorite bands, with good results. I found a band called "The Fallwater Project", which was good.

Then I wrote what is one of the best songs EVAR - "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead. The first recommendation: "Ace of Spades (Live)" by Motorhead. DUH! Followed by: "Bomber" by Motorhead. No shit? After they stopped playing Motorhead, a lot of bad songs.

Last I wrote in "C.R.E.A.M" by Wu-Tang. They really hit it with "Dead Presidents" by Jay-Z, which when you think about it is about as close you can get to CREAM thematically and sonically while not really sounding like it too much and still being good. Then a lot of shit that I just didnt like. Crown Royal-era Run-DMC, some Roc-a-fella tax write-off, some random C-N-N remix, shit like that.

Overall, it's worth going through a lot to find a cool band. It has a lot of criteria to match, and thus you are likely to find music similar to that hich you like. One complaint I do have, though, is that sometimes it seems to miss the larger point of the song: for example, I searched for songs like "Painkiller" by Judas Priest and got all sorts of epic power metal. And though of course, it's sort of close since it's fast, it's vocal centric, and it's techinically demanding: it misses what really MAKES the song good: the over-the-top vocals and lyrics by Rob Halford that , next to frentic drumming and riffing, give the song an extremely chaotic, uncontrollable feel. Dio is good for certain things, but he's not necessarily chaotic.

Guitar Hero II - All "regular" songs revealed + analyzed

2006-10-20T16:33:00.000-05:00

1. Opening Licks

* Mötley Crüe - "Shout at the Devil": Actually a pretty cool Crue song, for what it's worth. I played it, it's not too difficult, but it's way harder than "I Love Rock n Roll"
* Danzig - "Mother": Danzig's best song probably. It's kinda slow, but it's cool.
* Cheap Trick - "Surrender": Cheap Trick's best song probably. No that it says much.
* Wolfmother - "Woman": Don't know this song.
* Spinal Tap - "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight": YEAH! Putting Spinal Tap on this is a genius move.

2. Amp-Warmers

* KISS - "Strutter": A pretty cool song as far as KISS goes, plus it has some entertaining guitar noodling. I've played it, the chorus, filled with three button chords, took a little adjustment.
* Nirvana - "Heart-Shaped Box": Not that Nirvana leads are incredibly complicated, but it's good to have some variety.
* The Police - "Message in a Bottle": Good on them not to pick the really obvious Police songs.
* Van Halen - "You Really Got Me": Not the ovbious VH choice, but a fine one nonetheless. I've played it, so far it's been my favorite.
* Kansas - "Carry On Wayward Son": A little prog to spice things up. Pretty good song, I guess.

3. String-Snappers

* Foo Fighters - "Monkey Wrench": Don't know this one either.
* Alice in Chains - "Them Bones": Pretty sweet song.
* Iggy Pop and The Stooges - "Search and Destroy": One of the few punk songs on here, though I think that's a good thing. Let's face it, people don't idolize punk guitar playing.
* The Pretenders - "Tattooed Love Boys": Don't know this either.
* Black Sabbath - "War Pigs": Awesome, awesome song - though it will be tough to see if I can be interested for the whole 8 and a half minutes.

4. Thrash and Burn

* Warrant - "Cherry Pie": I don't specifically remember this song, but Warrant kinda sucks
* Butthole Surfers - "Who Was in My Room Last Night?": Ha. Butthole Surfers.
* Matthew Sweet - "Girlfriend": Hm, this is the only one where I don't even know the artist. It sounds familiar (though gay).
* The Rolling Stones - "Can't You Hear Me Knocking": Whoa, they got the Stones. Not that I really love the Stones, but it's an accomplishment.
* Guns N' Roses - "Sweet Child O' Mine": Hopefully whoever sings this doesn't take the Axl Rose impersonation too seroiusly. Cool riff though.

5. Return of the Shred

* Rage Against the Machine - "Killing in the Name": YEAH! Awesome choice. I wonder if they can get a good Zach de la Rocha impersonator though. But the solo is awesome.
* Primus - "John the Fisherman": It will be the original recording of the song. Though it has a pretty cool yet pretty weird guitar playing, this will most likely be about the bass.
* The Sword - "Freya": Another artist I don't even know.
* Thin Lizzy - "Bad Reputation": Thin Lizzy is pretty cool, though you wonder if maybe playing that little melody from The Boys are Back in Town would be cooler.
* Aerosmith - "Last Child": Another well-made, non obvious pick. Not that I really love Aerosmith either, but still.

6. Relentless Riffs

* Heart - "Crazy on You": Some classic rock stuff.
* Stone Temple Pilots - "Trippin' On a Hole in a Paper Heart": Some alt stuff.
* Stray Cats - "Rock This Town": Some I don't know stuff. Wait now I remember, they're that awesome rockabilly group. Yeah!
* The Allman Brothers Band - "Jessica": Oh yeah, the Allman Brothers Band! Talk about a cool group of guitarists.
* Jane's Addiction - "Stop!": Notice the amount of funk-metal in this game as compared to the last.

7. Furious Fretwork

* Anthrax - "Madhouse": Not really a band known for their guitar leads, but it's a good song.
* The Living End - "Carry Me Home": No idea.
* Lamb of God - "Laid to Rest": Modern metal. Not really my thing.
* The Reverend Horton Heat - "Psychobilly Freakout": This song rules though. It's pretty fast.
* Rush - "YYZ": The long instrumental, I'd say it's II's response to I's "Frankenstein". Played it, pretty tough, and not even that particularly fun. Maybe the Geddy Lee bass parts will be cooler.

8. Face-Melters

* Avenged Sevenfold - "Beast and the Harlot": Don't like the band, but I guess for what it's worth it could be fun to play their solos.
* Suicidal Tendencies - "Institutionalized": Good band, and though most people love this song, I don't really. But obviously I'm in the minority there.
* Dick Dale - "Misirlou": You know, the surf song. Awesome choice.
* Megadeth - "Hangar 18": A real ass-kicker. The first installment had a Megadeth song, but it wasn't so awesome since it was probably their easist riff to play. This one is long with a huge amount of complex solos. It will be a challenge.
* Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Free Bird": I don't know. It's a bit of an obvious choice to stick in as the "boss song". I think it should be Hangar 18.

Bonus Tracks

* The Last Vegas - "Raw Dog": They won the Be A Guitar Hero contest, so I'm sure it's shredding and pretty cool.
* Drist - "Arterial Black": Drist is pretty cool and Marcus Henderson tears it up.

Final Comments:
Some overall nice variety and selection. Less punk, more rockabilly and more hair-metal. Moves which, in my mind, play up to the game's strengths. Some obvious things still missing:
- "Crazy Train" by Ozzy or really any sort of Randy Rhoads solos.
- Anything by Metallica or Iron Maiden (I'd love to play "Battery" or "2 Minutes to Midnight")
- AC/DC or Deep Purple. Specifically, I'd like "Highway Star".
- Some Run-D.M.C. maybe?

I guess we can still hope in the bonus songs. If not, well there's always III.

Matisyahu = Woman hater

2006-10-13T21:18:00.000-05:00

And though he was always annoying for his rather distinct lack of talent and connection to reggae (he's pretty much singing reggae as learned through Dave Matthews), it helped that he wasn't ALL gimmick: he was a decent enough singer, with a decent enough band, for what it was worth. Of course while he got all the attention for being a jew, many much more talented artists probably died on the streets of Kingston, Jamaica.

So it goes.

But then, I found out the dude's a hardcore woman hater. His religion won't allow for women to touch him, or allow them to sing, or pretty much anything of that sort. Basically, this religion treats women as second-class citizens at best. What else would you call it when you refuse to even shake a teen-age girl's hand who says she really loves you? Or when you think that all women should be silenced and not be allowed to express themselves creatively?

That's sexism, end of fucking story.

OK, it's his religion. But so fucking what. Reminder: this guy didn't live with crazy parents who turned him on to this religion. They were Jews who had no real religious interest in Judaism. Young Matthew, 20, saw this crazy sect of Judaism and the way it treats women like garbage and thought, "hm, well that's the religion for me!"

Secondly, there is no weird "mix", sonically speaking, to his brand of music. He's taking the very spiritually important reggae music and giving it a splash of rock (Eric Clapton did this much more successfully however many years ago) and replacing whatever relgiously important message with his own Dark Ages woman-hating ideals. And this is inventive?

I've heard him say that reggae is somehow based on Judaism or that Bob Marley somehow mentions Torah scripture. Uh, wake up, dumbass. Reggae is all about Rastafarianism, it's hard to seperate one from the other. The mentions of Zion and whatnot do indeed use "Jewish" terminology, but only because it is the basis (to an extent) of Rastafarianism, and if memory serves right, "Zion" isn't in Israel to them, it's in Ethiopia.

Summary: Matisyahu is a gimmicky, rather talentless, whitewashing woman hater.
Michael Franti > Matisyahu

A MEME

2006-09-22T13:47:00.000-05:00

1. What are you listening to right now?
"Sex Farm" by Spinal Tap

2. What song makes you sad?
"Tipsy" (Remix) by J-Kwon featuring Murphy Lee

3. What is the most annoying song in the world?
See above

4. Your all time favorite band?
Oh come on. Everybody knows there is no such thing.

5. Your newly discovered band is?
Coco Briaval, The Latin Blues Band feat. Luis Aviles, The Meters

6. Best female voice?
Aretha Franklin.

7. Best male voice?
Ian Gilan, Rob Halford, Chuck D, James Brown, Otis Redding, Bruce Dickinson.

8. Music type you find yourself listening to most?
Funk, metal / hard rock, golden age hip-hop, "latin" rock, "latin" jazz, so on.

9. What do you listen to, to hype you up?
M.O.P. and Judas Priest

10. What do you listen to, to calm down?
(Question does not compute)

11. Last gig/concert you went to?
Bob Marley Roots, Rock, Reggae Festival. Ozomatli and Bunny Wailer KILLED it.

12. Band you find yourself listening to the most?
Recently: Megadeth.

13. Most hated band?
Quite a few, but i'll list some: J-Kwon, The St. Lunatics, Limp Bizkit, ,Good Charlotte, etc.

14. Song that makes you think?
"Brother" by Jorge Ben Jor and "Lick My Love Pump" by Spinal Tap

15. Band that you think the world should love as much as you do?
Ozomatli, Deep Purple, Motorhead, Los Fabulosos Cadillacs, Eddie Palmieri, Run-D.M.C.
I would also say AC/DC, but I think the whole world already loves them.

16. Coolest music video?
"Drop" by the Pharcyde
"Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy

17. Music video with the most babe watch?
Hm, probably some really bad southern rap song with a (relatively) big budget. Or some Fiddy Cent shit.

18. What do you play/would you play in the bedroom to spice things up?
I'm all about "Sex Farm" by Spinal Tap. Ocassionaly I throw in "Adults Only" by Slick Rick, "Fucking an Animal" by GWAR, or "Ride My Rocket" by Glamtera.

19. Can you play a musical instrument?
Tambourine, cowbell, whazoo.

20. Ever been in a mosh pit?
I am writing this from the top of one as we speak.

21. Are you in a band?
Three, actually: Raw Public, Davy Jones' Locker, and my solo band (Zodiac Digital)

22. If yes, what kind of music does your band play?
RP: Thrash-Jazz with a dash of Cristian Rap
DJL: Pirate death metal
ZD: Classic Metal-informed hardcore Hip-Hop

23. Ever dated a musician?
No. They are filthy whores.

24. If yes, what kind of music did he/she/they play/instrument/band?
I said no, dammit. Fine, they played "Sex Farm" on my skin flute.

27. If no, would you consider?
Goddamit. Do we have to go through this again?

28. Do you wish yourself that you were a musician?
Um, what the hell. That question makes false assumptions.

29. Best chick band you know of?
HAHAHA

30. Best guy band you know of?
This was also question 4.

31. Last song that you heard on the radio, etc?
What the hell. "Etc"? What etc? you cant start a one item list and then pretend like we know what youre talking about.
Last song heard on radio: "TNT" by AC/DC
Last vial of crack purchased: Yesterday
Last buttsecks move successfully pulled off: "The Flaming Jesus"

32. What do you think of classical music?
Dude, are you kidding? I love The Beatles

33. What do you think of country music?
Pantera rules!

34. What do you think of death metal?
I play it. But I hate it.

35. Last BIG band that you saw live?
what the fuck. it's like every question is repeated twice, just in case we happened to see another huge concert since question 22.

36. Are you a groupie?
No, but they're the whole point of music, to me.
For those about to suck, I salute thee!

37. Do you listen to music in foreign languages?
Definitely. spanish, french, portugese, and a bunch of shit i cannot really tell what it is.

38. What famous musician would you like to have sex with?
Any chick from Fiddy Cent videos, I guess.

39. Worst concert moment?
The condom broke.

40. Funny Concert moment?
See above.

41. Sad Concert moment?
again, see above.

42. Best local act you can think of?
Davy Jones' Locker, Raw Public, Zodiac Digital, ADOPT A HIGHWAY, HUNZILLA

43. If you were a musical instrument what would you be?
What a retarded question.

44. Do you listen to the radio?
Whenever they aren't playing shittty music at the classic rock radio.
So basically never.

45. Do you watch music TV?
nopessss

46. Do you follow the music charts, like the top 40?
charts are for nerds / fags

47. Have you met any famous musicians?
Jonny Tulupa

48. Are any of your friends/family etc musicians?
see above.

49. Song that best describes your feelings right now?
"Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang" by Ted Nugent

50. Song that describes your life?
Hm, that's a hard one. "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest, I guess.

51. Do you know the names of all the band members that you listen to?
For the most part. For the big bands. But if you ask me, like who plays bass for Dick Dale, I would have no idea.

52. Does a musician’s physical attractiveness play a role in the music that you listen to?
No, I don't even really know what they look like.

53. What famous musician do you want to marry?
Oh, for god's sakes.

54. Favourite movie sound track?
Oh come on. Do you really need to ask?
"This Is Spinal Tap"

55. Any musician pet hates?
Yeah. My dog hates fuckin'....fuckin' Kansas, dude. Hates that shit.

56. What do your parents listen to?
Whatever

57. What are you listening to right NOW?
Wasn't this question #1? I guess it changed now.
"Lucille" by Little Richard.

58. Do you wear band etc T-shirts?
Yes - some classic old school stuff: Public Enemy (like the dude from Do The Right Thing and the kid from Terminator 2) , Ozomatli's "instruments one" (trombonist: oh, that's the old-school shirt!), Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth (most people dont get it though)

59. What do you think of people who do?
They are all fags. These questions suck.

60. What music sub-culture do you feel like you belong to?
Um, pirate death metal.

61. What song is stuck in your head right now?
"Tornado of Souls" by Megadeth, "El Matador" by Los Fabulosos Cadillacs

62. Do you sing in the shower?
I rap in the shower.

63. If so, what? If not, why not?
"Slave to the Grind" by Skid Row

64. Would you rather marry a musician or be one yourself?
Goddddammmit with your fucking repetitive questions.

65. What is in your walkman/discman right now?
Some weird mix CD. or "Vasos Vacios" by Los Fabulosos Cadillacs

66. How important is your partner's taste in music to you?
Pretty important. If they like something terrible, it reflects on them. Examples:
Jazz /Fusion / Classical / Classic Rock /Prog: Prudish, over-serious, pretentious
Metal / Hard Rock / Glam: Dirty, ugly, STD-ridden
Rap: See above
Techno: I don't even want to think about it.
Emo: Over emotional, suicidal
Indie Rock: Slutty
Punk: Stupid
Pop: Slutty AND stupid

67. Hanson moves in next door to you, do you go introduce yourself, or do you arrange to beat them up?
First off, I'd be like "WHOA HOT GIRLS NEXT DOOR! SWEET!"
then i'd be like, "wait no, it's hanson"
Then i'd kill them for that, and end with shooting myself.

68. Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll, you dig?
DUH! Emphasis on the sex and the roll though. The drugs and the rocks not so much.

69. Do you cook to music?
Do I LOOK gay? Or what?

70. Do you sing in the toilet?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR SMARTASS QUESTIONS

CRIKEY! - Crocodile Hunter dies

2006-09-04T19:46:00.000-05:00

Steve Irwin was killed today by a stingray stabbing him in the heart. He died from the resulting cardiac arrest.
What really sucks is that he's the Crocodile Hunter. He walks his baby boy near crocodiles like theyre a bunch of young chihuahuas. He shouldnt be killed by a stingray, of all things. That's like superman being killed by a stray paintball.

Only 17 people in the WORLD have died from stingray attacks since they started tracking these things.

It's like Jesus being killed by a fatal spork stabbing.

Does anybody else remember...

2006-09-03T13:09:00.000-05:00

that Reverend Run game that he had on his site aruond the time "Distortion" came out? It was pretty awful. It had a pretty awesomly ridiculous concept: you had to collect bibles so at the end you could throw them at the Devil. Unfortunatly, collecting Bibles was the longest, stupidest thing ever (you really just had to press the spacebar every now and then) and when the devil came he would kill you before you could do anything.

In that spirit, check out this Iron Maiden game.
http://emichrysalis.co.uk/ironmaiden/game/

It's certainly better than Rev Run, but I still wouldn't call it good. Less ridiculous and cool-looking, I guess, but hardly good.

New Rule

2006-08-08T09:48:00.000-05:00

Everytime someone uses the words "America" and "freedom" in the same sentence during an arguement, I will automatically assume their whole arguement is bullshit.

Best songs in EVERY genre

2006-08-04T12:59:00.000-05:00

Best songs in EVERY genre. In my music collection, that is.

Acid Jazz / Fusion Gil Scott-Heron - The Revolution Will Not be Televised
Afro Pop Salif Keita - Ana na Ming
Afrobeat Fela Kuti - Expensive Shit
Alternative Hip-Hop The Pharcyde - Passin´ Me By
Bhangra Opium Jukebox - Iron Man
Blues Muddy Waters and Johnny Winter - Mannish Boy
Blues-Rock Derek & The Dominoes - Layla
Bossa Nova Stan Getz & Joao Gilberto - The Girl From Ipanema
Cha-Cha-Cha Rene Touzet - El Loco Cha Cha
Classic Rock Jimi Hendrix - Spanish Castle Magic
Classical / Symphony Kronos Quartet - Purple Haze
Country Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
Cuban Son Los Van Van - Somos Cubanos
Cumbia Ozomatli - Cumbia de los Muertos
Disco Scissor Sisters - Comfortably Numb
Drum & Bass Aphrodite vs. A Tribe Called Quest - 1nce Again (DnB Mix)
Electronic Pierre Henry - Jericho Jerk
Folk-Rock Neil Young - Old Man
Funk Parliament - Mothership Connection
Funk-Rock Funkadelic - Maggot Brain
Grunge Soundgarden - Jesus Christ Pose
Hip-Hop Ozomatli - Superbowl Sundae
House Jungle Brothers - I´ll House You
Indie Luna - Sweet Child O´Mine
Instrumental Rock The Edgar Winter Group - Frankenstein
Jam The Allman Brothers Band - Don´t Keep Me Wonderin´
Jazz Benny Goodman & Gene Kripa - Sing Sing Sing
Latin Jazz Tito Puente - Oye Como Va
Lounge Herb Alpert - Spanish Flea
Merengue Señor Coconut y su Conjunto - Beat It
Metal / Hard Rock Motorhead - Ace of Spades
Native American Bill Miller - Ghost Dance
Nueva Trova Silvio Rodriguez - Fusil contra Fusil
Pop Michael Jackson - Beat It
Progressive Rock Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention - Mom & Dad
Punk The Clash - London Calling
R&B Ray Charles - What I´d Say
Reggae / Ska Michael Franti & Spearhead - Sometimes
Rembetika George Dalaras - Sou Axize Mia Kaliteri Agalia
Rock en Español Los Fabulosos Cadillacs - El Matador
Rockabilly Eddie Cochran - Summertime Blues
Roma Django Reinhardt - Minor Swing
Salsa Rob Swift, Bob James, D-Styles - Salsa Scratch
Samba Stan Getz & Luiz Bonfa - Saudabe Vem Correndo
Soul Aretha Franklin - Respect
Trip-Hop Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy
Turntablism Mix Master Mike & Rahzel - Slayboarder
Worldbeat Ozomatli - Believe

"What's it like being killed by Motorhead?"

2006-08-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

Proof that Motorhead is pretty much the gulliest band on the planet.

Chuck D over Deep Cover

2006-08-01T13:37:00.000-05:00

American Killer

2006-07-28T20:27:00.000-05:00

Damn. I've been listening to the new MF Grimm, American Hunger. I'm amazed that a 60 song triple album could actually be this good. This shit is pretty damn decent. Of course, no triple album can ever be great. There's still shit that could've been cut. But, there's enough material on this shit to make two good 15 track albums, and maybe even an ep or two.

There's nothing that really stands out right now. And that's probably because there's too much shit on this. In fact, I'm wondering why Grimm didn't release this shit a little at a time. He probably would have made a little more money off of it.

After a while, all the tracks sort of run together. If he had released this shit in small chunks, maybe the songs would have stuck out a little bit more, because I honestly can't remember the majority of the names on this shit.

But when it comes to the ego-trip, Grimm couldn't have done this shit any better. I'm willing to go out on a limb and call this one of the best double or triple albums ever put out. This will definitely make my top 10.

Underground Hip-Hop: American Hunger

All Hip-Hop: GM Grimm Interview

A Couple of Clips:

Fuck You
Things I've Said
Karma
Vultures
I Rather Be Wrong
The Book of Daniel (MF DOOM diss)

Best album of 2006?

2006-07-25T09:09:00.000-05:00

Now I´d hate to post twice in a row about Iron Maiden, but this is just too awesome- The video for "The Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg" off the new album, "A Matter of Life and Death". Enjoy!

The 40 Greatest Metal Songs of All Time

2006-07-23T08:07:00.000-05:00

I just saw this shit on VH1 the other day. Posted is the list with comments by yours truly.
40. "Breaking the Law" - Judas Priest Oh yeah, awesome song. 40 seems to early.
39. "I'm Eighteen" - Alice Cooper I guess here works.
38. "Balls to the Wall" - Accept Never heard.
37. "Smoke on the Water" - Deep Purple Now this should be way higher. The riff is the shit.
36. "Wait and Bleed" - Slipknot Never heard, but I´m sure it sucks.
35. "Metal Health" - Quiet Riot Bad hair metal. These fuckers could not write a song.
34. "Paranoid" - Black Sabbath Why not "War Pigs"?
33. "High 'n' Dry" - Def Leppard More pop metal.
32. "Thunder Kiss '65" - White Zombie Yeah! This is my shit.
31. "Rock You Like a Hurricane" - Scorpions Not really.
30. "Epic" - Faith No More This is a good choice.
29. "Caught in a Mosh" - Anthrax Anthrax´s best song.
28. "The Beautiful People" - Marilyn Manson Um yeah. Try again.
27. "Run to the Hills" - Iron Maiden Maiden rules of course, but I think they have better songs.
26. "Refuse/Resist" - Sepultura Sepultura´s best song, with the awesome chorus.
25. "Cowboys from Hell" - Pantera Pantera! Good stuff.
24. "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" - AC/DC If you do not like AC/DC you hate music.
23. "Freak on a Leash" - Korn Good video and all but, come on.
22. "Enter Sandman" - Metallica This one never did it for me like other Metallica songs. Oh well.
21. "Paradise City" - Guns N' Roses No thank you.
20. "I Wanna Rock" - Twisted Sister Maybe later.
19. "Man in the Box" - Alice in Chains Alice in Chains rules.
18. "Slave to the Grind" - Skid Row More hair metal, albeit this isn´t as bad.
17. "Live Wire" - Mötley Crüe And more hair metal.
16. "Walk" - Pantera Pantera again, although you have to question whether it´s really their best song.
15. "Bulls on Parade" - Rage Against the Machine I know RATM are probably poseurs and poseur all the way to the ATM, but man, the solo!
14. "Toxicity" - System of a Down Isn´t this a little too high? Come on now.
13. "Rainbow in the Dark" - Dio This song never did it for me. "Holy Diver", on the other hand...
12. "Bring the Noise" - Anthrax & Public Enemy Best rap-rock song ever. BASS!
11. "Peace Sells" - Megadeth MEGADETH! Peace Sells is totally my shit.
10. "Ace of Spades" - Motörhead AKA The Greatest Song Ever. 10 seems not good enough.
9. "Crazy Train" - Ozzy Osbourne How can you not like this song? You may hate Ozzy with a burning passion, but you still cannot hate this song.
8. "Raining Blood" - Slayer Why not "Angel of Death"? I mean, I guess this works too.
7. "The Number of the Beast" - Iron Maiden Can´t argue with this one. Awesome vocals too.
6. "Detroit Rock City" - KISS I understand the importance of KISS and all, but I don´t really like this song much.
5. "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" - Judas Priest Oh man. Awesome shit.
4. "Back in Black" - AC/DC AKA The Greatest Song of All Time. I guess 4 works though.
3. "Master of Puppets" - Metallica Awesome, awesome. But is it the best Metallica song? I would postulate that no.
2. "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns N' Roses Probably GnR´s best song, although Axl Rose´s weird vocal quirks and habits irk me.
1. "Iron Man" - Black Sabbath I mean, what can I say? An all-time rock classic.

Okay. This list was really weird. It listed all sorts of alt-metal and hard rock but no Led Zeppelin? Also, tons of bullshit. I could do without all the hair metal and the nu-metal and whatever SOAD is. Also, I personally dont like GnR, but they´re giving them too much credit either way. My list, made quickly and with very little thought:

1. "Ace of Spades" - Motorhead
2. "Hallowed Be Thy Name" - Iron Maiden
3. "Iron Man" - Black Sabbath
4. "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" - Judas Priest
5. "Holy Wars... The Punishment Due" - Megadeth
6. "Crazy Train" - Ozzy Osbourne
7. "Battery" - Metallica
8. "The Trooper" - Iron Maiden
9. "Breaking the Law" - Judas Priest
10. "Angel of Death" - Slayer
11. "War Pigs" - Black Sabbath
12. "Peace Sells" - Megadeth
13. "The Number of the Beast" - Iron Maiden
14. "Bring the Noise" Public Enemy featuring Anthrax
15. "Cowboys from Hell" - Pantera
16. "Powerslave" - Iron Maiden
17. "Victim of Changes" - Judas Priest
18. "For Whom the Bell Tolls" - Metallica
19. "Bulls on Parade" - Rage Against the Machine
20. "Holy Diver" - Dio

And since I´m at it, best bands:
1. Iron Maiden
2. Black Sabbath
3. Judas Priest
4. Motorhead
5. Megadeth
6. Metallica
7. Slayer
8. Rage Against the Machine
9. Pantera
10. Ozzy Osbourne

The Real Nano Deal

2006-07-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

This is my second Zen Nano Review.

Zen Nano: PriceGrabber

I recently received my Zen Nano Plus, and I must say, I'm pretty impressed with it. This thing is smaller than a cigarette lighter, and it runs on just one AAA battery. It comes with a wristband, which I will probably never use, a line in cord, a usb cord, a protective cover with a clip, and a pair of ear plugs.

There are three plugs on the player, one for the usb cable, one for a pair of headphones, and one for the line-in cord. The only thing I dislike about the player are the earplugs. They hurt. So, I've been substituting a pair of normal headphones.

As stated in a previous post, it has an fm radio and a built-in microphone. I was able to record directly from the radio, as well as speak right into it like a regular voice recorder. I was also able to use the line in cord to record a track direct from my portable cd player, although I doubt if I'll ever use this feature again in the future, since I prefer to rip high quality tracks to my computer for safe keeping, and unfortunately, this thing only rips between 96 and 160.

I can't really tell you about the software that comes with it. I read several reviews before I bought it, and most of them told me to avoid the software, so I did. And you really don't need it. All you really need to do is connect the player to your computer via the usb cable, and your computer should recognize it as a removable drive. From there, I was able to copy folders from my computer straight to the player.

Make sure to create folders in the player, because the player doesn't read playlists. Instead, it reads files alphabetically or numerically. I was able to use the skip folder feature on the player, moving between folders. Each folder was made up of individual albums, except maybe two - one being used to store a few individual tracks, and another used to place my podcasts into. The player also creates a folder automatically for recorded tracks.

The navigation is done by a scroller, a little wheel, similar to a volume wheel you might find on a cd player. The only difference is that this wheel is smaller, and you can press it. To move between menu options, the wheel, or scroller, must be moved forward or backward. To select a menu item, you must click on the scroller after you reach the specific item.

To play music, a song must be selected, and the small play/pause button, which is on the front of the player, must be clicked. To move between songs, the scroller can moved forward or backward. To fast forward and rewind, the scroller must be moved forward or backward also, although this time, you must hold the scroller in place in either direction. To turn up the volume on the player, there are two buttons next to the scroller for this.

It took a little time to get used to the whole set-up, but when I finally learned how to use most of the features, I found myself enjoying this little thing, using it for hours on end. And for the price of $65, I view this as a pretty sweet deal.

By the way, I was able to store at least nine albums on here, where most of the material was encoded between 192, and 320. Think of it this way. Most cds that are encoded at 192 are about 80 to 100 megabytes. Most cds encoded around 256 or 320, range between 120 and 130. Most vbr material usually take up between 60 and 80 megabytes. And most 128 material range between 50 and 70. Songs encoded at 128 are usually a minute a megabyte. So, a five minute song is usually five megabytes. 20 songs that run about 5 minutes long equal 100 megabytes, by non-scientific standards. That means 100 songs equal 500 megabytes, and 200 songs equal a gigabyte.

I don't know how Creative got their 500 song estimate. I'm assuming most of the mp3s would have to be encoded at around 80 or some other crap quality like that. And I doubt if most people encode at those crappy rates, so my estimate at 200 songs might be closer to how many songs you'll be able to hold on this thing.

The First Family (NSFW)

2006-07-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

I recently pitched an idea for a new television show to one of the major studios. I won't tell you which company it was so as not to attribute retardedness to their nature. But needless to say, they told me that they would get back to me within a week. I feel pretty positive about the whole endeavor. I think big things could come of it. At least I hope so, because I would rather not have to go through another presentation any time soon.

I was actually quite freightened to tell you the truth. I stood in my nice, wool, gray, pin-striped suit, sweating immensely, trying at best to seem professional. And before me sat (name omitted), who seemed rather disinterested in anything I had to say. He had relayed to me recently that he and his company were not looking for the family friendly material I had previously pitched his way. He said he could only greenlight something new and edgy, something with young hip mass appeal. And I told him soon after, that I believed I had come up with something in that vein.

So, that day, I stood before him ready to present what I had previously inferred over the phone would be the greatest new show of the fall season. And I do believe I did my best to engage Mr. (name omitted) to give my idea a fighting chance.

Below is a simple retelling of my proposal:

The first episode, we meet Heathcliff Cosbowl Bush, a lawyer for a large oil company. He has a doctor for a wife, and her name is Laura. And the two of them have two daughters, one son, and a dog named Clipper. The daughters' names are Jen and Randy. Jen is 16, and Randy is eight. The son's name is Malcolm. Malcolm has a best friend who goes by the name of Roach Clip. They are all introduced to the viewing public by myself, who will play the role of the omniscient voiceover.

The first episode starts with Heathcliff and Felicia having sex in their bedroom. Heathcliff is giving Felicia anal. Felicia, due to excitement, loses control of her bowels and proceeds to defecate in the bed. The large mound of shit pushing against his penis causes Heathcliff to jump up, and in the process, he falls out of the bed, cracking his noggin wide open, exposing blood and brain matter.

Jen comes in after hearing the fall and sees her mother, ass up, with fecal matter all about the bed; and her father, Heathcliff, on the floor, with brain matter exposed, and still stiff from arousal. Seeing the image, Jen starts rubbing her nipples through her t-shirt. And soon after, she jumps in the bed herself, taking large clumps of shit to her face and mouth. She soon begins taking it in nasally, sniffing the shit through her nose like cocaine.

Heathcliff rises off the floor. He goes to the closet and pulls out a crack vial. He lights it up and starts smoking up a large rock of crack. He then passes the pipe to his wife and jumps on the back of his daughter. At this point he begins hitting Jen from the back, anally.

The mother, with one hand holding the crack pipe to her mouth, begins masturbating with the other after becoming aroused from seeing her husband hit her daughter from the back. Jen begins screaming in esctasy, yelling, "Fuck me, Bill! Oh, fuck me, Bill!" From which her father replies, "My name ain't Bill! Who the fuck is Bill? "

The noise awakens Malcolm, who was asleep next to his friend, Roach Clip, after both partook in a heated display of circle-jerking to a Punk'd marathon on MTV.

Malcolm runs to his parent's bedroom and beholds the sight of Jen's intake of fecal matter while being rimmed from the back by their father. He further beholds his mother digging herself out while smoking the crack pipe. The image causes him to vomit about the floor. He soon loses control of his bowel movements also and proceeds to shit about himself.

He runs downstairs to the kitchen, his boxers drooping from the shit. From a drawer, he removes a cleaver. He runs back upstairs in hopes of ending the madness. When he arrives, he finds that Randy has joined into the fray. Randy is giving their mother oral while her mother urinates in her mouth. Malcolm, overcome with grief, starts screaming loudly.

Shaking greatly, Malcolm reaches into his boxers and pulls out his penis. He takes the knife to himself and quickly castrates himself. His bloody hand lets loose of the appendage, and the penis falls to the floor. Soon after, Clipper, approaches and starts gnawing on it. Malcolm then takes the knife and stabs it deep into each of his eye sockets. He soon falls to the floor, red and bloody.

Afterwards, Clipper walks up to Malcolm, partaking of the vomit first, and soon after, inserts his erect penis into Malcolm's eye socket. And in wildly controlled motion, he proceeds to fuck Malcolm in his blackened eyes.

Roach Clip, who was fast asleep in Malcolm's room, finally comes out. He sees before him, his best friend on the floor being fucked in his eye socket by the family dog. And this makes Roach Clip aroused. He quickly jumps over Malcolm and the dog, and crouches behind Clipper. He pulls out his penis and begins fucking the dog in the ass. The dog howls feverishly to the tune of Blue Moon.

Soon after, I join into the scene, playing the role of Satan. I'm dressed in a red pajama suit, with cheap plastic devil horns atop my head. In one of my hands is a canister of gas fuel, in the other, a cheap plastic red pitchfork. I pour the canister of gas all about the room of fornicators. And then I proceed with my lines:

There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

That's when I flick open a cigarette lighter and drop it to the floor. This lights the fuel, and the entire bedroom begins to burn in a blaze of red fire. Soon, the whole house follows, smoke filling the night air. From the devastation, I walk out with the severed head of Clipper raised before me. I take a bite from the dogs head and drop it about my feet.

With my mouth filled with blood, and my body charred and blackened by raging flames, I look before the neighborhood folk, wave, and speak: "That's all folks. Tune in next week for more."

At this point, I paused, my back to Mr. (name omitted), my arms stretched wide in triumph. I carefully lowered them, making sure to turn slowly before him, hoping for some response, rather positive or negative, although I hoped it was the latter.

For the longest time, he sat silently, with his hand to his face, a finger tapping about his lips.

And suddenly, he spoke, "Amazing! That's one hell of a show! What do you call it?"

And I stood before him proudly, proclaiming victoriously, "The First.. Family."

Zen

2006-07-05T13:12:00.000-05:00

I'm currently searching for a new mp3 player. Only thing is, I'm not about to spend a couple hundred like I did on my old Dell Jukebox, which I dropped one too many times. Instead, I'm going the cheap route. I'll probably get something in between 50 to a hundred dollars, meaning something that will only hold around 512 MB or 1GB. It also means that the interface will probably be shitty. But I can't see myself paying several hundred for something I'm only gonna use when I'm riding the bus.

Only reason I see dropping $300 on a mp3 player is so you can have a massive amount of music at your disposal all the time. But who listens to more than two to three hours of music in one sitting. Really, all you need is, five good quality versions of albums you think you might want to listen to in that day, and when the next day comes around, and you wanna listen to something different, simply load it up before you go out. Sure, you won't have your entire music collection at your disposal all the time, but you never will.

Even with a 60 GB player, you probably still won't be able to hold even half the crap you have. If you're like me, and you're a music lover, you probably have several hundred cds and cassettes at your disposal, not to mention the 100 GBs you might have on your hard drive. Point being, until there's a 200 GB mp3 player, no one needs to spend more than 100 on a player. It just doesn't make sense.

Take cassette and cd players. If you're old school like me, you probably had a Walkman when you were growing up. If you bought cassettes, and listened to hip-hop, you definitely had a Walkman at some point in your life. And if you were like me, you probably had to have the one with the fm radio so you could listen to the radio when you ran out of tapes. And my guess, just like me, you probably broke one or two of them as well. In fact, if I combined all the cassette and cd players I've had over my lifetime, it would probably would number up around 20 or more, of course counting boom boxes and other portable listening devices. And between 10 to 40 bucks a pop, that probably added up to some major dough I could spent on something really important, like porn.

The point I'm making is that mp3 player are the new cassette and cd players of the future. And like these devices, you'll probably go through at least two or three every five years. Now, who the hell is so trend conscience that they have to spend a couple of hundred every time for a new ipod. I'd rather put my money on something nice and cheap, something that may not be as cool or stylish, but in the end, it still gets the job done. And that's why the next time I get a mp3 player, I'm going straight up discount.

My choices:

Creative Dark Blue 1GB USB 2.0 ZEN NANO PLUS

This baby is only 61.99. It does mp3s and wmas, even though I have very few wmas. It has a voice recorder and a 32 station fm radio. You don't need software, and you can use it like a regular usb flash drive, storing documents and photos.

Now if they only had this bad boy in black:

Creative Black 1GB USB 2.0 ZEN NANO PLUS

And if I wanted to go a little cheaper I could get this one below for 59.99.

Fuji Labs Black 1GB USB 2.0 Portable Audio Player

Now, that's what I call a bargain.

ODAY!

Adworthless

2006-06-21T12:38:00.000-05:00

I've been messing with Google Adwords for the last two weeks. They gave me 25 dollars worth of free cash. So, I decided to put up some ads.

I put up one for myself. Those ads ate up 13 dollars. Apparently, the keywords I picked worked wonders. Who knew free sex and nude pictures were searched for like that on the Internet.

I was able to generate around 85 clicks to my site. I don't know if 85 clicks are worth 13 free bucks. Still, I'm thinking about setting up some more ads.

I also have an ad running for Kool Keith's book, Ultrablognetic - Two Years. Unfortunately, that ad has only generated three hits. Sorry, mate, I know you could use the money to feed that newborn. Wouldn't want to find out you've been forced to feed your kid beef jerky and pottied meat.

Just recently, I set up an ad for this site. But I haven't been able to catch the ad on Google except when I search for blogspot. It may appear elsewhere. Who knows.

I wish I had a real product to sell, than I might actually find a real use for this adwords crap. But for now, or until I spend the rest of this 20 dollars I have left over in the account, I'll continue putting up crappy ads to crappy web sites.

Jesus disses Prodigy back

2006-06-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

In one of the more ridiculous moments in recent history, Prodigy of Mobb Deep "dissed" Jesus.

"Now homie if I go to hell and you make it to the pearly gates
Tell the boss man we got beef
And tell his only son Im’a see him when I see him
And when I see him, Im’a beat him like the movie
For leaving us out to dry in straight poverty"

The guy threatens to beat up Jesus. Now personally, I find that stuff hilarious. But the fine folks at XXLMag are outraged.

Appearently, in gangsta rap, we're not allowed to offend anybody.

Excuse me?

Prodigy, last time I counted, has shot at least 8 million people. It's not like he was on the "boss man's" good side. How can you be mad that he says he'll beat up Jesus?

I can't believe we have a PC police in gangsta rap! What's next, you cant make fun of the president? What is this, country music?

If anything, this proves we're still behind the curve compared to heavy metal. Check out the lyrics to the new Slayer single if you don't believe me.

As per the new Slayer single:
First off, they're ripping off everybody - they're selling an EP with one song and 3 videos for 6 dolalrs. Not only that, but the'yre selling it exclusively at Hot Topic.

And then if you do spend the 6 dollars at Hot Topic you can feel like even more of an idiot since you can listen to the song in its entirety in the front page of their site.

And you know, speaking of the lyrics, now that they're all balding and stuff, you'd expect for them to get more mature lyrics than RELIGION'S A WHORE yadda yadda SIX SIX SIX.

However, it's got a real nice intro, alright verses, alright solos, pretty good vocals, but the real saving point is Dave Lombardo returning on drums. What an awesome drmmer.

Ben

2006-06-12T15:09:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks there's been this rodent scurrying around my apartment. At first I didn't do anything, hoping the bastard would leave on its own. Then I bought these giant-sized glue traps. Only problem is that the rodent was doing some old Tom & Jerry type crap on a brother, jumping over the glue traps and everything. I felt I was destined to live with this bastard until I moved.

Then, over the weekend, the rodent went crazy, climbing on my tables and on the ladder, and running across my bathtub. He scared me enough that I couldn't even go to sleep. I actually spent the rest of the night on the floor in the hallway of my building like a hobo. When I awoke Sunday morning, I knew what I had to do. I had to go ol' skool on a rodent.

The next morning I bought these spring traps, the ones my grandmother used to use back in the day. And then I waited. I woke up the next morning looking around, searching for Uncle Ben, and I saw no signs of him. So, I got dressed and ate. I decided to do one last check of the apartment before I left. And wouldn't you know, I found a little surprise. Ben was dead, his neck snapped in two by the mouse trap.

Then, I did a little prayer to Baby Jesus. I felt bad because I had just killed one of God's lil creatures. It made me wanna cry. So, I went to Baby Jesus and asked his forgiveness. And then, I threw his filthy rat bastard ass in the garbage and celebrated in my head.

But make no mistake, I felt for Ben. He wasn't my friend, but I didn't think things should've ended like they did. We couldn't live together anymore, but we could have still stayed friends. Sure, I hated him, but, uh,... forget it, I hated him. That's it. Filthy bastard!

HD Dilemma!

2006-06-08T09:34:00.000-05:00

I'm tired like crap and I wanna take a nap. I've been up most of the night, cleaning up, trying to get ready to move. I'm moving into this nice two bedroom place close to the waters. I got my own parking space and everything. The only problem I see with the place is that it's too small. Plus, the frontroom sort of meshes with the living room, which meshes with the kitchen, with only a counter to separate it all. It sort of looks like Jerry Seinfeld's place on the television show, except my front door would be where the studio audience is at, as if the camera was the entrance into my place.

So, I'll probably be moving sometime next month. I wanted to move this month, but the place wasn't ready yet. Now, I've been told that the place is pretty much finished except for some wiring that needs to be done. They told me earlier this week that I could move in at the end of the month. But I know that I'll need a little bit more time, so, I'll probably end up moving next month, first moving the boxes a little at a time, and then leaving the big stuff for last.

The truth is that I don't have all that much stuff that I have to move. I'm throwing most of my old stuff away. I need to get a new living room set, a couple of new computer desks, and a new bed. I might end up having to sleep on the floor the next few months because I don't have enough money for a bed right now. I did some dumb crap and went to Circuit City a few weeks ago and bought one of those cheap Polaroid HDTVs with the built in tuner.

The sad crap about it is that I thought I would be able to watch some good ole' HDTV off the bat through my cable system, but none of the digital channels would show up. I tried splitting the signal between the regular cable plug and the HDTV plug, but that didn't do anything either. I finally hooked up the television through my cable box, but I was only able to get some PBS station. They were showing some doo-wop show for the fifteenth million time, and on the second digital signal, they were showing some cooking show, so I considered it a bust.

Then I searched the Internet to find out what I had to do to get some more digital channels. I found out that the only way to get the digital signals was through over-the-air broadcasting. Apparently the signal doesn't naturally come through the cable signal. I would have to upgrade my account and get one of those Comcast HDTV boxes, which makes no sense to me because all these digital HDTV channels pop up all the time through the regular digital box, except there's only sound and no picture. I wonder why they have those channels pop up when they can't be viewed normally, even through a HDTV.

Anyway, I did some more searching and I found out that I had to get some HDTV antenna. So I went searching on Google on how to get a HDTV antenna, and several sites popped up. The majority of these sites said the same thing, there is no such thing as a HDTV antenna. In fact, I learned that all I needed was a regular old antenna, one of those antennas I used to use back in the days. Apparently, most of the HDTV channels are broadcast over UHF signals, the same way most of those independant stations are broadcast.

So, I went looking for an old antenna, and I finally found one, only the plug part and been cut off. I probably did it a couple of years ago when I was experimenting. That means that over the weekend, I'm going to have to go get an antenna from somewhere. Then, I'll be able to watch all the great programming that comes on over the summer like Big Brother and, uh, Last Comic Standing. You ain't seen television unil you've watched a crappy reality show in widescreen.

X-Crap: The Last Dump

2006-06-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

I saw X-Men: The Last Stand, and let me start by saying that this isn't the worst movie I have ever seen. I guess that isn't a glowing endorsement, but it's the best I can do.

The movie starts off, ummm, it starts off, ummmmm, I forgot how it started off. Oh yeah. It starts off with Magneto and Professor X going to meet a young Jean Grey. Little Jean Grey is somewhat arrogant, and flaunts her powers by lifting up every car in the neighborhood.

Afterwards, stuff happens elsewhere, stuff I can't remember. I think we see Hank McCoy in some government meeting, and the X-people are practicing in the Danger Room in some apocolyptic simulation. Oh yeah, I forgot the part about a young Warren Worthington III cutting off the feathers of his wings, and then his father walks in and finds out that he's a mutant. This is a pretty important scene because it sets up the motivation of Warren's father for creating this cure.

Cure, you say? Yeah, there's this kid who has the ability to kill the mutant gene, at least temporarily. Warren's father uses the kid to create some vaccine for the government. And of course, this pisses of Magneto, who gets together another group of evil mutants -- Juggernaut, Callisto, Pyro, and somebody else who I can't remember -- to get the kid from the labs where the government is hiding him. I think it's Alcatraz.

Now, getting back to the X-Men. Cyclops, who is still crying and all, goes riding on his bike back up to the lake where Jean Grey was killed. He shoots out an optic beam, and all of a sudden a whirlpool appears. And guess who pops out of the whirlpool? You guessed it, Jean Grey. Jean Grey goes to Scott and tells him to take off his glasses, and then we see Scott's eyes.

At this time, this dude I was with started talking about Dallas and Miami. I'm thinking, what the hell's going on? I don't wanna talk basketball in the middle of the movie, although this wasn't really the middle of the movie. Still, it distracted me for a couple of minutes. By the time I get back into the movie, they're back at the mansion, and Hank McCoy has gone to see Professor X. He tells the Professor about the cure. And then Professor X stops him and tells Storm and Wolverine, who were there also, to go get Jean Grey. I guess he felt that she was alive or something.

So, Wolverine and Storm go get Jean Grey from out the woods, but there's no Cyclops. They take her back to the mansion and Professor X puts her on strap down. Wolverine wonders why the Professor is doing this crap. And the Professor reveals that back in the day, when Jean Grey was a kid, he put mental roadblocks in her brain so she wouldn't be able to use all her powers. He didn't think that she would be able to control them. But the roadblocks caused a problem, it split her personality in two. The less powerful Jean Grey was normal and well adjusted, but the more powerful Jean Grey, who called herself Phoenix, was extremely powerful but overly overcome by her emotions, displaying great happiness and anger, sort of like some bi-polar schizophrenic.

The two stories collide when Wolverine causes Jean Grey to awake. She makes out with Wolvie, then leaves him knocked out on the floor. The Professor and the rest of the X-Men find him, and soon rush to her childhood home after the Professor gets another brain fart. At the same time, Callisto, who can read mutants and their powers, gets a brain fart also, and tells Magneto. Magneto knows who it is she's reading and rushes to get her for himself.

The two groups collide in Jean Grey's old house, but then she goes off and starts throwing everything all around, including people. This leads to her killing Professor X, I think. Because one minute he's there, and the next, his chair is empty. So, I don't know. But I assume he''s dead, like Cyclops, because now everybody is saying he' s dead. Magneto then convinces her to go off with him, and they all leave together.

Back at the mansion, Storm, Beast and Wolverine talk about closing the school, but they decide no when Angel, aka a teen-aged Warren, appears at their doorsteps asking for a place to stay. They all decide to keep the school open, and I think Beast goes back to the president to tell him that he's riding with the X-Men exclusively for the time being.

There's also this crappy sub-plot concerning Iceman, Kitty Pryde and Rogue. Rogue can't touch anyone or she sucks their minds dry. She likes Iceman. Iceman supposedly likes her back, but he also seems to be getting all close to Kitty Pryde as well. So, Rogue decides to go visit the kid to get her powers wiped out.

Anyway, stuff happens, which leads to Magneto and the Evil Mutants going to the facilities to get the kid. The government gets together an army with some of that serum for weapons. And all hell breaks loose. And then the X-men show up and they fight the Evil Mutants. Of course, the Evil Mutants lose, and Magneto is stabbed with the serum by the Beast, which turns Magneto into a normal human being.

Afterwards, Jean Grey goes crazy after the army dudes start attacking her. Wolverine tells Storm to get everybody out. Then, Wolverine confronts her. He eventually gets close enough to her so he can stab her with his claws. She dies again, and all is right with the world.

Personally, you'd think with all that action that I wouldn't have gotten bored by this crap. But as the ending was approaching, I found myself taking a couple of little naps in my sleep. It just felt like this movie dragged on too long, even though I think it only went like an hour and a half or more.

Another problem was that there were way too many characters. Many of the former characters were killed or taken out early in the movie. Mystique loses her powers early in the film when Magneto busts Juggernaut and Callisto out of prison. She's shot with a dart. Of course, the Professor and Cyclops also die early in the film. And Rogue disappears midway through.

In the end, this is really a Wolverine movie, with flashes of Iceman, Pyro and Magneto. Also, Beast gets a lot of screen time. So, I don't know. I just felt like there was way too much crap going on that I could really give a damn about. Even the Jean Grey story took seconds to all that mutant vaccine crap. I personally wish that they had just left Magneto out of it. And maybe fired Halle Barry, because I still think she sucks as an actress even with the Academy Award.

In the end, I can't recommend this crap. For the average kiddie movie goer, they'll probably love it. It's action packed with a lot of violence and Hugh Jackman grunting loud with the claws out. And I guess that's what the kids want to see. So, whatever.

P.S. I also saw Syriana for the second time, and I still don't know what the hell is going on. I know the Arab wants to sell to the Chinese. The US don't like that, so they put out a hit on him. This Bob dude is supposed to connect with this other Arab dude, but he's doublecrossed, because Arab two is working for Arab one. Bob is hung out to dry by the government. So, they go to plan B and kill the Arab by satellite. I get all that. But I didn't get any of that lawyer crap. Who does the black dude work for? I get that he's investigating someone, but who, I can never tell. And who does Damon work for? And what are the two Arabs back in Arabland doing? I don't know. What's on first?

The Kunta Cocaine Code

2006-06-01T13:11:00.000-05:00

I can’t talk too long. I think somebody’s tryin’ to assassinate a negro.

I been hearing the sounds of big white feet following me the last couple of days. At first I thought it was this white chick I had been messing around with the past couple of months. I recently let her down easy, and by easy, I mean I stopped returning her phone calls. If i saw her number, I didn't pick up. I didn't call her to tell her it was over. I just stopped communicating with her altogether. And you know white chicks, they get a little black mixed with 2 percent Puerto Rican, and its like crack for the vagina. They can't handle it, so they overdose, overdose on my sweet negro lovin'

So, I thought it was her that was stalking me. I heard she had just gotten out of the mental institution. I thought I'd be the first person she'd go looking for. You can't get off the crack that easily. It takes hard work and dedication. It takes willpower and time. And even with those things, you can still fall off again. And i know she was on it hard, too. It took her some time to get off of me, but eventually she did, and I'm proud of her, at least until my ego needs her to yearn for me some more. Then I'll call her up again and make her wish she had some more of this Kunta Cocaine lovin'. Damn, that's my new rap name. It ain't Gristlez. It's Kunta Cocaine.

But back to my story. I knew it wasn't her because one day while chilling in the park, or what some of you may call taking a nap on a bench, I caught a glimpse of the big white devil that was peeping me out. And when I state "big," I mean "big." This was one of the biggest, one of the whitest, one of honkiest white devils that I have ever seen. He was so big and white that I think people just named him Big Whitey, or Russian, maybe Glacier, or Mt St. Helen. And you know when they're big and white like that, you definitely can't trust'em. Big white ones leave large holes in brothers' rectums

So, I knew I had to keep my eyes closed and make him think that the negro was sleep or dead. I stayed like that until I knew Grey's Anatomy was on because I heard that white people really like that show, that and Friends. White people love Friends. They like Friends more than they like Seinfeld. They liked Friends so much that they still talk about that show even today.

Now, I liked Seinfeld because it was funny, but I only tolerated Friends like most black people. If it was on, I'd watch it, and it would be funny, but I wouldn't be looking for it the next week. And back then when it first came on, it was going up against Martin Lawrence. Now, Martin Lawrence, that was some funny stuff. That's what the negros watched, that and that crappy Living Single show. That was black folk Must See TV.

Now, where was I. Friends, whitey, stalk, assassination. I'm on the run and the white devil's trying to take me down. I figure one of these days, I'll wake up and find myself assassinated, with a big hole in my body. I'll be bleeding and crying out to Baby Jesus, and Baby Jesus will turn towards me and speak, asking, "What Happened Last Night On Grey's Anatomy?" And then I'll die right after I urinate on myself.

Pitchfork Needs to shut the fuck up

2006-05-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

So today I stumbled upon Pitchfork's review of the first 4 Run-DMC albums.
http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/r/run-dmc/run-dmc-king-of-rock-raising-hell-tougher-than-leather.shtml

This is how they rated it
Run-DMC: 8.1
King of Rock: 5.7
Raising Hell: 7.7
Tougher Than Leather: 6.4

That's right. They think it's all mediocre at best. This is why "hipsters" on the Internets shouldn't review hip-hop. Cause undoubtedly, they say this sucks while the best shit ever is...what? Kanye West, Buck 65, Atmosphere, Aesop Rock...I mean come on here.

I never expected Pitchfork to have any idea what the hell they're talking about, but this is just too much.

Also, new rule: you can't have people who have literally built shrines on the internets to an artist review their new album. Yes, I'm talking about "Late Menstruation" by Kanye West. 9.5? Now that's some bullshit.

Fox Full Of Urine

2006-05-24T15:39:00.000-05:00

I hate to be in agreement with Conservatives, but I can't stand Vincente Fox. I hate him and his accent. I think one of his great ancestors may have raped one of my great ancestors. If I could, I would urinate all over his Mexican face. And not in the good way. He wouldn't enjoy it, because I wouldn't drink water for over a week. So, my urine would be nice and yellow and funky, like the front of my drawers.

And I don't hate Pepe just because he's Mexican. I hate him because the dude hasn't come close to creating a Mexico where my Mexican brothers can earn a decent wage.

And I hate him because he promotes his people coming over the border illegally and putting their lives in danger just so that they can be used like slaves by the white devil, all so "his people" can send their slave wages back home.

Why? Because that's the only way the Mexican government can continue being corrupt and still staying paid. The truth is: U.S. dollars help prop up filthy corrupt Mexican administrations.

And he has the nerve to piss on the black man because we won't work jobs for crap dollars. That bitch don't know that niggers used to do those jobs for free back in the day. It was called working on the plantation during the slave days.

And the sad thing is that my brothers still had to work those jobs after the Civil War, after we were supposed to be free, all because Jim Crow laws forced blacks into segregated housing and low wage occupations, the same kind of housing and jobs Mexicans take this present day. And comparably, in terms of inflation, Mexicans ain't getting paid much more than blacks were getting back then.

And that bitch had the nerve to rip on blacks for not taking those jobs. Well, I rip on his bitch ass for promoting that his people be taken advantage of by a government that only wants their labor and none of their culture.

So, I whip this one out for you, Vincente. May my piss stay on you a lifetime, you bastard.

Havoc = Thumbs Up!

2006-05-23T12:10:00.000-05:00

I was flipping through the On Demand listings of movies, and saw Havoc was showing. I had heard of the movie, most notably for the frequent Anne Hathaway nude scenes that were supposed to be in it. I read somewhere that it was borderline pornographic, and the movie studio decided not to release it in theaters, instead, taking it straight to DVD. And when I saw that On Demand was showing the Unrated version, I knew I had to watch it.

In terms of acting and story progression, this was a pretty basic movie. There wasn't anything groundbreaking in it. I wonder what drew Hathaway to star in this movie after doing all those family films. Maybe it was to break that wholesome girl image. And who's to say it wasn't a good move since she would eventually star in the Oscar nominated, Brokeback Mountain. She probably wouldn't have gotten that role without doing this one first.

Back to the movie. From what I remember, the story is about these white boy, Tupac-lovin', thug-wannabes, who act out the gangsta life from their rich surburban LA stomping grounds. Anne Hathaway plays the main white boy's beyotch. And the gang is being filmed by this little nerd film maker, for what, I really never found out.

Important point: Anne Hathaway has this best friend, played by this Bijou Philips chick, who wants nothing more than to be Hathaway's main chick, and I got the feeling she wasn't just thinking in the platonic sense. Bijou believes to win Hathaway's respect and continued friendship, she has to out-gangsta her. And as the story progresses, this pretty much results in Bijou out-slutting Hathaway.

The story progresses when Hathaway and her crew gets a taste of the real gangsta life when her crew visits the barrio to meet up with some Mexicans for some drugs. At least that's what I think what was going on. For some reason, which I can't remember, one of the white boys gets beat down by the main Mexican dude. And when Hathaway sees the main Mexican dude, it's like slut at first site.

So, Hathaway gets her girl crew together and they head back to the hood to go to some Mexican block party. And the girls pretty much slut themselves out, except this chick that I remember was on this alien show a few years ago. I think she played the chick who was in love with the main male alien. I forget what the name of that show was. I think it used to come on UPN.

Anyway, pretty soon, Hathaway is getting major vibes from the head Mexican dude, and he eventually invites her to some private party at some hotel. Now this is when the real action starts to happen. Hathaway brings Bijou and they chill with the Mexicans in the hotel room. They pretty much get wasted, especially Bijou. This leads to Hathaway asking the main Mexican dude if she could enter his gang.

At first he thinks she's joking, but pretty soon, he offers up a test. The Mexican dude tells the two chicks that the only way they can get in the gang is if they sleep with the crew. He tells them that each of them will have to roll a dice, and what ever number comes up is the number they'll have to do in the crew. Hathaway and Bijou agree, and they all go into the bedroom.

In the bedroom, Hathaway is the first to roll, and she gets lucky. She rolls a one. And no suprise here, she picks the main Mexican dude. Now it's Bijou's turn. And wouldn't you know it, she rolls a three. She chooses the main Mexican dude's best hombre to start with. So, now Hathaway is going at it with the main Mexican dude, and Bijou is getting slutty with his homeboy.

Hathaway, after watching Bijou slut it up a little, chickens out, and the main Mexican dude kicks her tease ass out. He then starts up on Bijou, who is only happy to please. But then things go bad, because I can only assume that Bijou wasn't ready to give up the anus just yet. The main Mexican dude calls back his best hombre, who decides to hit the "other hole." Bijou takes it for awhile, but you can tell she ain't handling it all that well. That's when she starts moaning uncomfortably.

Hathaway rushes back in after hearing her scream, and tells the Mexicans to get off her home girl. The Mexicans quickly reply. And then the main Mexican tells Hathaway to get her white ass out of his neighborhood, and don't come back.

Afterwards, everything seems okay for the two girls until Bijou stops coming to school. Hathaway wonders what's wrong with her friend and goes to visit her. When she gets to Bijou's house, she finds out that she isn't welcomed anymore. She also finds out that Bijou has decided to file rape charges against the Mexicans.

Hathaway knows that it's crap and eventually decides not to go along with it, but not before the white boy crew get together to take out the Mexicans, and two Mexicans decide to take out the white girls. Both the white boys and the Mexicans fail, but in a sense of fate, they both cross each other's path while driving back to their respective neighborhoods. I think it's implied that somebody gets killed, but we really don't get to see the aftermath.

By the end, Hathaway reveals to Bijou's parents that it's all a lie, and that Bijou was never raped. She may have been turned out, but she wasn't raped. Although, I'm sure there are some who think if an intoxicated chick willingly has sex with a dude, it's still rape. But I won't get into that. The perspective of the movie is that she wasn't raped.

So, the movie ends with Bijou and Hathaway talking through the bathroom door while Bijou is taking a bath. Bijou eventually forgives Hathaway for telling her parents that she's essentially a ho'. And then some crappy music starts playing.

I don't know what the moral of the story is. I guess it's, don't hang out with Mexicans, or something like that. And I don't really get what the ending means. In fact, I really don't know why anyone would want to watch this movie, outside of the nudity. I guess it's a positive when you stay, uh, stiff throughout most of a movie. And plus, you don't feel all dirty because it wasn't like you were watching a porno or something. In fact, you were watching something that Roger Ebert gave thumbs up to. So, it must be worthwhile. Right?

New Hire

2006-05-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

I’ve been putting off writing these words on this page. I think it’s the fear of failing at something substantial, something I really care about. Or maybe it’s my laziness.

I hate admitting it to myself, but I think I’m lazy. I don’t like working. I don’t mind working as long as I get paid. But I don’t like working, even when I get paid. They could pay me a million dollars to do the job I do, and I wouldn’t like it. I would do it, but I wouldn’t like it.

That’s the whole deal about the work ethic. The work ethic is about working, and working hard, even if you don’t like it. It’s about going to work everyday, and being on time, and doing a good job, even when you can’t stand the job you’re doing.

And most people won’t tell you this, but you will hate working almost all of the time. Even if you like doing what you’re doing, like being a porn star, or getting paid to play video games and smoke weed, you’re going to eventually hate doing it even if you’re getting paid to do it. Why?

Well, the whole deal about work is that you’re not just getting paid to do a job. Instead, you’re getting paid to do a job for five to six days a week, for up to eight hours a day. That means you’re really getting paid for your time.

I once had a job like a gopher, you know, one of those dudes that go get stuff for other people. The thing is, most people never asked me to get stuff for them. So, I spent most of my day sitting around waiting for someone to tell me to go get stuff for them. And I spent the rest of my day going to get stuff, like driving to some UPS store, or walking over to the cafeteria to get a sandwich. So, in the end, what the company was really paying me for was my time, my time spent walking, driving and sitting around.

You may say that that's the perfect job, but doing nothing all day gets old pretty quickly. You just can't do nothing for eight hours a day, five days a week, and like it. In fact, you can't do something for that amount of time and like it. Like they say, there really is too much of a good thing. Doing the same damn thing for eight hours a day everyday just isn't a good thing.

And that's why work is work. It doesn't matter what you do, or how hard it is to do, or how hard you really try to do it. Because no matter what you do, it's the doing it everyday, the repetitive nature of it, that makes it work. The fact that you're stuck at this one place, doing this one thing, everyday, for half the day, is the pure constitution of what work really is. And it's why you will never be happy working at anything. That's why someone has to pay you to do it. There’s always a job no one wants or can do, and most companies don’t mind, up to a point, paying someone to do that job, no matter how menial it is.

I used to work for this electronic trade publication company. My boss got promoted to assistant director. Her first orders of the day were to pass off half the duties that were a part of her job onto her underlings, which I was one of. So, all her copying, faxing, and phone answering went to me. I also ended up doing most of her data entry, packet filling, and mailings.

I quickly understood that most of my job duties were many of the things she didn’t want to do. Of course, I didn’t get a raise with these new duties. Instead, they gave me this bullshit title that I could use on all my future resumes. And that came in handy when the company eventually mentioned layofs.

By the way, layoffs are when a company realizes that they’re paying you to do some dumb ass bullshit, and they decide they could possibly consolidate your bullshit duties with someone else’s bullshit duties. The only problem with that is the longer you work with a company, the more bullshit duties you get. Simply put, the bullshit compounds over time.

So, by the time they lay you off, you’re doing so much bullshit that a company finds that they can’t just give your bullshit to just one person because that would be just too much bullshit for one person to handle. So, they eventually have to lay your bullshit off on more than one person, and they learn even that's too much bullshit to handle. So, after a while they eventually hire someone to do what you did when you were first hired. And the cycle begins anew.

The Fall Season

2006-05-22T10:50:00.000-05:00

Recently, the new fall season was unveiled, or revealed. Here are some of the shows I might be checking out next season:

NBC:
Law and Order: SVU
The Office
Law and Order: CI
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Kidnapped

Law and Order: SVU used to suck. I couldn't stand this show. But I found myself watching this show occsionally on Tuesdays, but only when the Shield wasn't on. It's gotten better over time. And I may have to watch it on a regular basis next year.

I've seen a couple of commercials for this show Kidnapped which have enticed me enough to catch the first couple of shows next year. It's about this kid who's been kidnapped, and, well, I don't know what else. I hear it will show, from different perspectives, the events taking place to save this kid.

Studio 60 has been getting a lot of buzz recently. It's the new Aaron Sorkin show starring Matthew Perry about the backstage crap surrounding this SNL-like show.

Fox:
24
American Dad
Family Guy
Prison Break (possibly)
The Simpsons
Standoff

I don't know what the hell's Standoff about, but it stars Ron Livingston, who most of you don't know. He spent a year on the Practice and was in that Swingers movie with Vince Vaughn, at least I think it was Swingers. It could have been something else.

The CW:
Gilmore Girls
Veronica Mars
WWE Smackdown

I don't see myself watching much of anything on the new CW. But I like wrestling, so I'll be watching Smackdown. And I've been checking out Veronica Mars here and there, and I've come to enjoy the show. But I might not make it through Gilmore Girls.

ABC:
Lost
George Lopez
Traveler

The Traveler is supposed to be this mid-season replacement show. And the premise is killer. Three dudes come up with this big time prank to play, but they find out the prank has been played on them, at least two of them. Because two of the guys get caught up in this terrorist bombing plot. And the third friend has seemingly disappeared. GOTCHA SUCKA! Ho-ho, that's funny.

CBS:
I don't watch CBS

My Splash

2006-05-15T12:01:00.000-05:00

Back Up Beyotch, unless you want nut in yo eye.
I neva, eva, eva, eva seen a beyotch CRY!

In between sweating, sleeping and covering my nose from the stench of hot girl liquor and booty smells, I happened to check out one of the few funny sketches on SNL this year. It was this one about MySpace.

There was this class being taught by the dude from that Lazy Sunday video, the gay curly-haired one. And he was teaching one of those adult continuing education classes about how to set up a site on MySpace.

His students consisted of one mother, played by Julia Louis Dreyfus, trying to better understand this new thing her daughter was into, and several old ass dudes who were there to "pick" up some fresh meat, Dateline-style. It was one of those topical jokes, since MySpace has been in the news lately concerning all weird things teen-ager-y. Yeah, I know that's not a real word, but I couldn't think of anything better.

Most of the jokes in the sketch consisted of the old dudes asking about how they could fake their names and images so that they could appear much younger. The sketch ended when a cop came in to ask directions, and all the perverts broke out except Horatio Sanz, who hid behind a plant. The gay curly-haired dude tells Julia Louis Dreyfus that maybe her daughter should stay off the Internet. And she agrees.

Amusing. I found it amusing, and because it's sooo true. That's when you know it's funny, because it's true. That's how real life is. True. That's how real life is... Yeah, I just repeated myself. Just like a box of chocolates. Huh?

I've been on MySpace a couple of times, and I usually don't stay on "it" long. Why? Because the design is awful. Most pages are like crappy bulletin boards, or better yet, guest books. Half the pictures aren't safe for work. Usually I can't tell the real content from some 3rd Party content that's on the site. Let me rephrase that: there is no real content on MySpace. There's always some weird cheesy music playing in the background. Most of pages don't use transparency well. I hate headers that follow all the way down the page. I just don't see how the hell MySpace became so popular.

Well, I guess I can understand. It's simple, I mean the design. MySpace doesn't take much thought. Most people throw up (and by that, I mean vomit) a background image, then they put some audio clips on the site to automatically play when you reach it, and they "make friends" with other people, which usually means link whoring.

Link whoring is when you link to people you have nothing in common with just so they'll link back. It used to be all the rage in blogging. I still get people asking me to put a link up for their site. I doubt if most of them have ever read more than a page on my site. But that's how most people get an audience.

I believe that's what's going on over on MySpace. "Make friends' with someone popular, and hope the magic starts. And I don't mean juvenile anal rape. That's a whole 'nother magic there. I'm talking about becoming popular through your website, loser.

Hee-hee. I can't make real friends. So, I'll live through my web site. Then, I'll finally have love in my lifeLoser. Be a man. Real men except their destinies: me, eventually becoming rich and famous, with a big bootied freak on each arm; and you, staying a loser and only having yourself to love. Live with it.

Me. I say, Eff a Friend! I'd rather stay friends with my man, Harry Palms. Harry has never hurt me, except on those occasions when he rubs me the wrong way. Then I hurt really bad, but only in the most good way. Because of the jokes he tells. Sometimes they're funny. And other times, they're hilarious.

Freeway Ricky - The CrackMaster

2006-05-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

Hit them balls, you beyotch.

Rick Ross. Not the fat bastard down in Miami. I'm talking about the real Rick Ross, the one who took the crack game from some backwatered 1970s shit to the big time hood demolition killer it is today, the negro who took that Nicaraguan CIA money, and with the help of the Crips, made Crack the greatest ill in the inner city next to Pork and AIDS. Now that's some major company.

How did he do this? Let's just say that home skillet got lucky, if you call lucky being played like a bitch. Negro was targeted by this Blandon dude, who worked for this big time drug cartel king named, Meneses. Meneses worked for the CIA, recruiting beyotches in the US for the Contra movement down in Nicaragua. The CIA and Menses used cocaine sells to fund the guerilla war in the country.

Think of it as old school Vietnam, American Democracy vs the Communist Devils, in this case Castro and the Cubans, who the United States believed were backing the Sandinista government. So, the United States decided to wage war against Nicaragua, and used independent guerilla fighters, the Contras, as the foot soldiers. But the Contras needed dough to fight their war, and Reagan wouldn't be able to get them money legally, because, well, the U.S. wasn't supposed to be backing the Contras. So, the Contras had to think of other ways.

On the U.S. side, Reagan's dogs, most notably Ollie North, authorized the sell of weapons to Iran, who were, and still, our enemy. They used the money from these weapon sales to directly fund the Contra movement. And on the Contras side, they sent Meneses up north to California, who helped create a pipeline of Cocaine from Columbia to the U.S.

The Contras bought the coke from the Columbian drug cartels. They had that shit flown up north to Texas, and then the shit was distributed, first out west, and soon all over. But Meneses couldn't be directly connected to that shit. I mean, he was a revolutionary, right? So he recruited Blandon, who decided the best way to build some funds was to flood the nigger communities with cocaine.

Blandon needed someone who had connections, someone the niggers would buy from. And he chose Rick Ross. Rick Ross was drug hustling and had connections within the Crip gangs. He could sell to them, and they, in turn, could sell deep within the ghettos of LA.

Meneses pumped so much Cocaine up north, and Ross had such a great supply, that eventually cocaine, which used to be only affordable to the rich white type, was being sold at bargain prices on the street.

Another reason why prices were so cheap was because the drug cartels were using U.S. protected transportation routes to distribute the shit. Some of the shit was being dropped off at U.S. Air Force bases directly from Columbia. That meant that the distributors down south in Latin America could connect directly with the U.S. drug distributors up north in the U.S. And with distribution less costly, cocaine up north could be sold at cheaper prices.

Now, you're wondering what does that have to do with crack. Well, crack was popular in underground circles because the high from crack was immediate. It takes 10 to 15 seconds to get high off of crack, versus 10 to 15 minutes for regular old cocaine. So, for some cocaine users, crack was a better high. But to make crack, you still needed cocaine. And up until Meneses and Blandon flooded the streets with cocaine, cocaine prices were still pretty high. So, small-time beyotches like Ross just didn't have the bank to build in those circles.

But after the Coke flood, with prices cheap, Ross and the gangs could expand their profits promoting the higher potency crack. Crack was perfect. Crack was simply a cut version of cocaine with a potency equal or greater than the powdered shit. And the demand for that shit was on the rise. People were looking for a mass marketed version of cocaine they could smoke, since the vapors from the cocaine would reach their system at a greater speed. The gangs could sell lower quality cocaine that would still leave their customers satisfied. And they could sell that shit at prices lower than powdered cocaine, meaning their poor ass clients could finally afford the shit.

Of course, after all the hood beyotches around the nation heard the rumblings of what was happening out west, they had to get in on the action. So, that meant mo' money for Ross and the Crips, who started connecting with all the other gangs across the nation, spreading the epidemic throughout the inner city as we know it.

Bye Bye, Fatty.

2006-05-10T15:45:00.000-05:00

I hear Barbara Wah-Wah is trying to kick "Tiny" off the View. Apparently all because of that greasy lesbian, Rosie O'Donnell. I can't stand her. I don't know if I should be happy or pissed, because the only thing I hate more than Star Jones, is Rosie O'Donnell. And the both of them together would have made me sick. So, I guess I should be glad. But I'm not. Because I hate them. Yeah, I know I already said that. But I really hate them.

And it's not because they're both fat. Because I got love for my fat peoples. I've been known to bang a chick or two with a little grease and fat back on the frame. There's probably a porno tape of me hittin a couple from the back, or in the back on those days when I was wigged out on coke -- Coca-Cola, that is. Cotdamn! Cotdamn! I love me some Coke.

Funny how something that you thought would make you happy, not making you all that happy after all. I thought I'd be all happy and giggly when the day came that Star Jones would be off all television screens forever. But I'm not. And it's all because of Conan O'Brien.

I bet you thought I was gonna say Rosie O'Donnell. Well, I was going to say Rosie O'Donnell, but I didn't because I knew that you'd be expecting me to say that. So, I didn't. In fact, I didn't say anything, because I'm typing on a keyboard, and keyboards can't talk. Ha-ha! I hate you.

Give Me Death

2006-05-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

I can understand why Zacarias Moussaoui wasn't sentenced to death. I mean, the dude wanted to die. Sure, I doubt if he wanted to be strapped to a table and have a needle holding chemical death inserted into his arm, but still, dying by US Government hands was better than nothing. And now he has to live out his life in prison knowing how miserably he failed, that he won't die a martyr, and will live out his life a loser. No virgins in heaven for him.

Funny how not killing a man could be construed as being a greater punishment. But I feel that way everyday. Because life is a bitch. It sucks whatever joy and amazement you're born with and leaves your soul empty and blackened. How else can you explain old people, who once were happy and vital, having their last days living crippled and bitter.

I see it all the time, especially with my grandmother. She had a stroke a couple of years ago. And she should be dead. The stroke, or strokes because she had one major stroke and several minor ones, took her out, one happening right after the other like an earthquake with aftershocks. It pretty much left her mentally debilatated. This was a woman who took care of herself, paid her own bills, drove her own car, deep into her eighties. And now she slouches around pissing and drooling on herself.

I guess I know why she's pissed off most of the time. I bet it's an embarrassment, the way she is. And she can't really take out her anger on anyone but those around her. And yet, she doesn't realize that we're the main reason she's still alive. Or, maybe, deep down she knows this. Maybe that's why she stays so angry at me and my mother. We're the main reason she's still alive, and she doesn't like that one bit.

I remember seeing this South Park episode where one of the kid's grandparents is constantly asking the kid to kill him. I don't think most grandparents can bring themselves to ask their children to take them out.

Maybe it's guilt. Everybody knows how filthy our court system is. You could be doing your grandma a favor by putting that pillow over her head and sending her home to Baby Jesus. But that act of kindness could end with you getting locked up in jail. That's life for putting your grandma out of her misery.

And that saddens me. Because my grandma is suffering the same pain and humilation that terrorist feels daily. Everyday she has to live like some filthy murderer, the same woman who helped raise me, and made sure I was happy and taken care of when I was younger.

I guess, when I think about it like that, I can live with her contempt. She's earned it.

Hispanics are ruining hip-hop

2006-05-03T15:01:00.000-05:00

Wait, no they're not. I think we all know that the people ruining it are the Tall Israelis runnin' this rap shit.

But really, some of this reggaeton bullshit is fucking inexcusable. Seriously. After having the 3 hispanic kids behind me blast some bullshit for a long time, I finally went to them and said "does it ever bother you that they all have the same motherfucking drumbeat?" of course I was greeted with all sorts of retarded half-arguments, including the girl who said "well you can say that about any music, like you know when you listen to jazz that you're listening to jazz." Which of course brings up the questions "huh?" and "what the fuck are you talking about?" My only response was: "are you seriously comparing this shit to jazz music?" I mean, seriously people. There is more variation in half a jazz song than the entire genre of reggaeton.

Cinco de mayo irritates me. There, I said it. White people (who as we all know are devoid of any actual culture, and thus steal shit and proceed to water it down completely, see: jazz) get a vague sense of a celebration which involves brown people speaking spanish and tequila. The rest is a blur. Some random occurance in Mexican history is now an excuse to get drunk. Way to go, retards.

No one gives a fuck about Cinco de mayo outside of the US and Mexico, and even in Mexico its not a big deal (in fact, it probably is a bigger deal in the US). I bet you that 99% of the people who celebrate have only some sort of vague idea what the hell they're celebrating.

---QUICK HISTORY LESSON---
Im going to breeze thru this. Basically, Napoleon III sends a bunch of well-armed frogs to take over Mexico. The Mexican army, which should lose because they suck, win. This happened on the 5th of may. Woo-hoo cinco de mayo!

Except not. Napoleon III got word of this and he was like "fuck these bitches" and just sent more frogs over, and this time the frogs won. He put in Archduke Maxmillian as Emperor of Mexico. Woo-hoo European domination!

So you see, its about winning a battle in a war that the Mexicans lost. Isnt that awesome? Yeah, again, way to go, retards.

Of course, 5 years after, the Mexican rebels got rid of the Emperor, wrote a new constitution, elected a president, yadda yadda. Of course, white people dont get drunk on that day.

If one person asks me if I'm celebrating Cinco de mayo (spanish for "Day where we pretend to like Latinos, who are all Mexicans"), I will have to smack a bitch.

In short: fuck this bullshit.

Basic Crapola 2

2006-05-01T05:17:00.000-05:00

Here's an update about Basic Instinct 2. I skimmed through an alternate universe possible Internet bootleg of that movie. And man was it bad. That's the kind of movie make a man go gay.

I found it hard to sit through. All those people speaking in that weird foreign British language. All the crappy dialogue and acting. And Sharon Stone doesn't even get all that naked in the movie.

I mean, by the time she really gets naked, most of the movie is over. And then when we do see her naked, it's like seeing Skelator with tennis balls glued to his chest. It's bad. I mean, I LOVE nudity, and even I was begging for her to put her clothes back on.

Thank god it bombed at the box office. Thank you, Baby

Zoho

2006-05-01T04:44:00.000-05:00

If you see several words in my posts jumbled together, it's not entirely due to my ignorance and stupidity, although that may be a part of it. Instead, I've been testing out this thing called ZohoWriter. It's one of those on-line word processors. I like it because I can work on crap between my home computer and my work computer, without really saving anything on either. Only thing is, every time I post using Zoho, several of the words end up jumbled together in places. And unfortunately, I'm too lazy to go into blogger and edit my posts. If it wasn't for this one minor thing, I'd recommend it. I guess I have to wait until Writely reopens.

Gristlez

2006-05-01T04:35:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of changing my name to Gristles. Or Gristlez, with a "Z" on the end. I'm tired of being a Doctar, with an "A" instead of an "O."

I'm thinking either Savage Gristlez, or Bloody Gristlez, or just plain Gristlez. Maybe add Brillo. Or Brill-Gristlez. Murda Brill-Gristlez, the Assassin. That sounds catchy.

You know if you add Brillo to Gristlez, you get Beyotches.

Or maybe not.

Only reason I thought about keeping the "Savage" is that you gotta have a hard sounding name when you're associated with hip-hop, although I really haven't been associated with hip-hop in a long time. But old habits are hard to break. So, I'm still searching for something hard... You know what to do.

Or I was searching for something hard... Whatever... But then I decided to go in the opposite direction. I decided to go for uniqueness. I wanted a name that I knew no one else would have. But then I figured out that the only names not taken sounded really gay. Like Flimsy. MC Sissy-bot. DJ Booty-Up. Or the Limp MC. Stuff like that.

So, I went in a slightly different direction. I decided to take aname that was unique, although I thought that it still might be already taken. So I went with Gristles. And then, to be even more unique, I added the "Z" on the end.

Afterwards, I plugged my new name into Google, and nothing came up... So I took the "Z" off. And the only real thing I came up with was Throbbing Gristle, which was some industrial group or something. But nobody came up by the name of Gristlez. Although, I guess I can tell why, especially after seeing throbbing gristle. My new name sounds kind of ... gay.

Still, I don't care. I expect to still be addressed as Gristlez. Although I think it's even more imperative that I add a mean sounding adjective to the beginning of my name. Just not bloody. I don't think I can handle a bloody gristle.... Do what you gotta do...

Thief

2006-05-01T03:57:00.000-05:00

There's this show on FX called Thief. I've been watching it for the past couple of weeks. First, I saw it over my mother's house. Then, I taped it at home. And when my vcr started acting funny, I possibly downloaded the past few episodes off of Bittorrent.

It's about this big-time head of this heist crew down in New Orleans whose wife is killed in a car accident. He's forced to continue taking care of her daughter, his step-daughter, even though she hates his Negro guts. The step-daughter knows that he just killed one of his crew, who happened to mess up big time on their last heist because he was on the pipe. And the step-daughter, after witnessing the killing, becomes more suspicious about her step-father, searching through his things, trying to figure out who he really is. All the while, he's being hunted down by a crooked cop out to get one final payday before being booted off the force, and a hitman sent out by the head of a Chinese mafia clique whose money is stolen from a bank hit by the heist crew in the first episode.

The crew returns the money, but the head Chinese dude still wants them dead, and he sends his nephew out to hook up with the hitman, who happens to have Parkinson's Disease, so that they can take out the heist crew together. And all of this is happening while the heist crew is trying to get one big payday by hitting a DEA cashload on an in-flight airplane.

Yeah, it sounds convoluted to me also. But most of the time, it works. The first two episodes are somewhat weak and stilted, but every episode afterwards has gotten better than the last. The writers have built great suspense in the storyline, although I think most of the characters and plot devices are weird and unconvincing.

Take the character, Bump. The first episode has the characters how none of the guilt he will display throughout the rest of the series. It felt odd that by episode two, where the events follow right after the shooting in episode one, that Bump would, all of a sudden, show guilt where he showed none before. It felt more like a plot device than natural character progression, like they needed drama within the crew. The same goes for Gabo's claustophobia all of the sudden showing up just as the airplane heist is about to go down. And then you add Malik Yoba's character, all of a sudden, wanting see his wife and kids, bringing them to New Orleans even though he knows the Chinese mafia has a hit out on his head. Alltogether, it just seems kind of weird.

Still, the show has me coming back for more. And I'm looking forward to the season finale that's supposed to show this Tuesday. Already, we've seen the end of the real nephew and the dirty cop. Gabo, one of the members of the heist crew, has been shot. The crew has just pulled off one of the biggest heists of their career. The step daughter has run away. And the feds may be just about ready to come after the people who've just stolen 20million from them.
I doubt if all of this will be resolved in the final episode. But seeing as I've heard that this show may not come back for another season, I hope that at least half of these plot lines will be resolvedby the end of this episode.

ODB AKA Dirt McGirt - A Son Unique Review

2006-04-30T18:28:00.000-05:00

I didnt know this shit was even coming out, so at first I thought it was just some creative internet pirate's compilation of random ODB songs (a theory supported by that 2 of the 13 songs feature someone else, but I guess that happens in post-humous albums a lot), but judging from the cover art and shit, it seems official.

01 LIFT YA SKIRT feat. Missy Elliot
I seem to recall this shit from a mixtape a while back, but maybe not. I dig the piano (very M-E-T-H-O-D Man). I probably could do without the non-ODB vocals (Missy and a chorus of what seems to be little girls, but I guess that would be innapropiate considering the subject matter), but whatever. Missy mentions "shame on a n*gga".

02 POP SHOTS feat. Lil' Fame of M.O.P.
That Premo-produced song from a year ago or whatever, now featuring Lil' Fame. It's still pretty cool. Fame mentions "shame on a n*gga". 2 of 2.

03 OPERATOR feat. The Clipse & Pharrell
Very N.E.R.D. Or maybe not. I didn't actually listen to them, but this is what I imagine they would sound like. It would've been alot cooler if it wasn't so Neptunes-ish and more ODB-ish.

04 BACK IN THE AIR feat. Ghostface Killah
Thankfully more Wu-Tang-ish and less Neptunes-ish. The beat is not even that Wu-Tang, but it's pretty good.

05 WORK FOR ME feat. Young Chris of Young Gunz
Pretty cool drums and claps and ODB is awesome, like always, but really Young Chris? And they should re-think the synths as well. Come on people, this is an ODB album!

06 ODB DON'T GO BREAKIN' MY HEART feat. Macy Gray
When I first saw the song title, I was like "oh shit is this referencing that one Elton John song with that one bitch?" and the answer is YES. Either severely retarded or funny or both. Can't decide.

07 STOMP feat. RZA
Pretty disappointing, actually. What the hell is it with that clicking sound? RZA got too "creative" here.

08 HOW YA FEELIN'?
Miraculously not featuring anybody else, but again with the stupid synths and the chorus of chicks. I guess ODB kind of makes it work, though.

09 INTOXICATED feat. Raekwon, Method Man & Macy Gray
Pretty meh beat and hook. What the hell? THIS IS AN ODB ALBUM DAMMIT.

10 DIRTY & GRIMEY feat. N.O.R.E.
I should mention that ODB kills 90% of this shit, even when he's working with a pretty meh beat, hook, and guest. Case in point.

11 DANGER ZONE feat. Joe Budden
See above. It's got its Indian tinges, but whatever.

12 SKRILLA feat. RZA
Better than the other RZA song, but still you'd expect better.

13 DON'T HURT ME, DIRTY
The album closer, the other song with no guest appearences. They should've put more thought into the beat, it seems like they were onto something but then just gave up.

FINAL COMMENTS:
Call me whatever, but as much as I like ODB (no homo), most of these songs don't have good beats or guests. ODB makes it an entertaining record, to be sure, but you'd wish they'd put more thought into the whole thing. This is ODB's final album (hopefully, lest they come out with some duets-style shit), its really not the time to put a few random Roc-a-fella (or whatever it is now) weedcarriers on the songs.

BEST TRACKS:
"LIFT YA SKIRT", "POP SHOTS", "BACK IN THE AIR"

Where have I been?

2006-04-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

Shit. Seriously. Its been like 4 months now. what the fuck. But im so fucking pissed off at the state of hip-hop, and music in general. There has just been some really depressing shit, and I'm not even talking about the death of Proof from D-12 (im sorry but who ever truly gave a fuck about him anyways?) and not even the ethering of J-Dilla by way of lupus. What I'm talking about is this: I like hip-hop. But there's no good albums anymore. There's no good artists either. There may or may not have been a decent song here or there, but mostly it all sucks. Hip-hop in 2006 is essentially a good concept that no one really has excuted. Yeah, I know, I'm a backpacker and yadda yadda yadda, but honestly, shame on you if you think the ray-gay-ton shit and the Laffy Taffy shit is any good.

I wear my Public Enemy shirt every now and then, ignoring the fact that their last album was 90% trash (the last song was absolute genius though, its also probably one of the longer hip-hop songs ever, a miracle in the "all samples cleared" era). I also wear my Run-DMC shirt even though "Distortion" took 8 years or whatever but it's only like 10 minutes long. Oh, and I heard DMC's new abortion of a song, which I think was a pro-life rap jam (I may be wrong though, I wasnt paying attention). I mean, I'm sorry you were almost ethered by way of abortion, man, but that doesn't mean it should be illegal. It's also no excuse to put this random beeyotch in the chours, even if she saved your life from whatever. And honestly, if your voice has been destroyed (dare I say ethered) by some disease, give it up man. No one wants to hear unadvanced rhymes coming from a guy who sounds embarassed by them.

What else. This Mobb Deep shit. What the hell. Remember when they used to be hardcore? Remember "Shook Ones, pt. II" or "Hell on Earth"? Are they so broke they need to suck 50 Cent off (no homo) and make this gay shit? Prodigy, man. What happened? I mean, I know random 6 year old girls could beat Prodigy up, but "Keep it Thoro" was some hardcore shit. What happened to "heavy airplay all day wit no chorus"?

How long can we go on with Wu-Tang being the only semi-bright spot? There's Ghostface's "Fishscale", which is some cool shit for the most part, but it can't carry this year. Then there's Raekwon's shit. I mean, it's cool that they haven't fallen off that bad, but at the same time you wish they'd still make classic shit where you could go, "yeah 06 sucked but did you hear the 3 Wu-Tang releases?"

Killah Priest, where is you. Back 11 years ago or so I claimed you were pretty much the best of them currently. But you've disappeared. I mean you were on the Masta Killa shit like 2 years ago but thats about it.

Does anyone besides the Abercrombie and Fitch crowd really buy into this Kanye West hype? Young okayplayer types know that when it comes to egotistic "alternative" rappers, there's the much better Talib Kweli, who can, you know, actually rap. I have a poster of Talib too (no homo) but he has to put a stop to this whole gangsta posturing, 1) cause I just don't buy it and 2) cause it's not actually helping him make good music. Honestly, I don't care whether he's a nerd or a thug or whatever, I'd just like for him to stop making random songs with random southern rappers about whatever the fuck. Then the southern rap stans (even more annoying than the backpacker pseudo-intellectuals who listen to shit like Buck 65) don't really like Kanye cause he's a fag and cause he's too "smart" for them (southern rap stans are really stupid, these people think Bun B is some kind of intellectual). The only people who claim Kanye to be some sort of savior are people who have NO idea what they're talking about, usually dumbass old rock critics but also random rich kids.

So here's the deal, hip-hop. Either you produce an album I enjoy all the way through this year, or I just give up. I dont want another "Nation of Millions" or "Illmatic" or what have you, just something where I wont have to delete half of it from my hard drive cause its just garbage (Ghostface, I'm looking at you, no homo)

As for music, same deal. Ozomatli is probably the only band I have any faith left in, and if their new album coming in September is no good, that's it. I quit new music.

(NEW music, that is. I'm still entitled to listen to the 8 million Frank Zappa albums no one has heard of or whatever old shit I please.)

Fistful of Quarters

2006-04-05T08:36:00.000-05:00

I'm so broke, it's ridiculous. I got like 30 bucks in the bank,and I gotta make that stretch until next Friday, when I get paid again. I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I mean, there's gas, and a bus card so I can go back and forth to work.

Although I may not need that bus card if I get fired this week. But I still need gas money. And my co-workers are hitting me up for some dough to chip in on some crappy office party.

Now, how the hell am I gonna be able to do that. I don't even have dough to feed myself, and they expect a brother to put some dough on office-crap-party. It's sickening. It makes me wanna vomit. In fact, I might just vomit. Although, I might not because, again, I could be fired by the end of this week, which means I won't have to chip in for the office party.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I'll probably cry because if I don't get fired, I'll have to go back to my crappy job next week where I don't do jack but surf the Internet and write blog posts. And I'll be hungry. And I'll have to chip in for that damn office party.

But if I do get fired, then I'll still be surfing the Internet and making blog posts, but I won't be getting paid for it. And I'll still be hungry. Plus, I won't be able to pay next month's rent,since I tend to live paycheck to paycheck. But at least I won't have to chip in for that crappy office party.

Oh, what the dilemma. Or the De Palma. What's the name of that film with Melanie Griffith, and she's naked in parts of it. And she plays a prostitute. Yeah, I know it sounds like all her films. Or is that Sharon Stone. I think that might be Sharon Stone. By the way, remind me to get a bootleg copy of Basic Instinct 2 off the Internet. I need to "let off" some stress over the weekend. And I think that movie might be the perfect tool for the, uh, job.

My Days Are Numbered

2006-04-05T03:21:00.000-05:00

Or

Cry Me A River

I think I'm going to loose another job by the end of the week. Ican feel it coming. My boss hasn't even looked me in the eye forthe past two weeks. I think she's about given up on mecompletely. And who can blame her, becasue I do absolutelynothing all day. I get paid to do nothing. I do so muchnothing that I even make me sick. Which is why I see that the endis near. No more getting paid to visit crappy web sites. Nomore getting paid to hit up sites like eBay. No more dough to siton my funky butt all day. But at least that means more bloggingfor me. I wanna cry.

Sigh Awesomely

2006-04-05T02:58:00.000-05:00

I wonder if Jesus ever felt like I do this very day. Who knows, he probably did, hanging from the cross with those nails in his feet and hands, looking up to the heavens knowing that he had just paid the price for all mankind. We always see him suffering, but maybe he was hanging there with a big smile on hisface. I mean Jesus was, or is, you know, God in the flesh. And why would God cry, except for the fact that his children had just nailed Him to the cross. I probably would cry over that to, or get really mad. I mean, if my kids were to ever nail me to a cross, I'd have to kick their asses. How the hell are you gonna nail me to a cross. I'm your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out. Damn kids. That's why I don't have any. You can't trust'em.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. My greatest moment, my greatest blah - blah - blah is forthcoming. I've been holding something back, and I'm finally about to unleash it upon the world. Trust me, what you are about to witness is greatness.

Let me explain. I got this piece ofwork that's sort of been sitting around my home. And I think I'm ready to show it to the entire world. "What is it?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I can tell you what it isn't. It isn't Ernest Hemingway. In fact, it isn't even James Patterson. Instead, this is something greater. To tell you the truth, this is something more special, something more stupendous, something more amazing, simply something completely awe-inspiring. And after I unleash it on you, you will not be able to wipe my glorious stickiness off of your being.

What, you may ask, am I possibly speaking of? Should I end a sentence with "of?" Isn't that like ending a sentence with a preposition? And that's frowned upon. Whatever. What I speak of, my friends, is my most precious work, the greatest thing that I have and will ever create. What I speak of is simply fiction, the greatest piece of fiction ever written by man, or possibly ape?

It might be the greatest piece of fiction ever written by mammal, or, uh, primate. No other works derived from the mind of a primate will ever reach the heights I plan to soar to when I present to the world my greatest accomplishment. The world will marvel. Or they will wish they had marveled. Or perhaps they will simply sigh exuberantly. No matter how they express their awe, it will surely show about their visage. Did I use that right? It doesn't even look like I spelled it right. No matter. Many of the great minds, such as I, could not spell worth a lick, and yet, they are considered some of the greatest minds inhistory. And therefore, one day, possibly the day after the "event," I will be seen in their league. I will be thought of as one of the great minds ever.

And the world will marvel at my feet. Or at least sigh awesomely. Whichever.

Tossin Whose Salad

2006-03-27T16:22:00.000-05:00

There are over 4 billion people here living on Earth. Possibly. It could be less. It could be more. I sort of made up that earlier number. It could be 3 billion, or 10 billion. I really wouldn’t know. Let’s just say that there are a lot of people here on Earth.

And yet, Earth really isn’t all that crowded. It just seems that way because we humans like to flock together. We can’t stand living all by our lonesome. So we build buildings and neighborhoods all packed together, with only the illusion of space created by walls and parking lots, and parks and trees, and other stuff like that.

The truth being that real trees exist in forests. They grow there naturally. And there’s all that real wilderness to live in, and we refuse to, all out of fear.

I mean, isn’t that the basis of half the horror flicks out there: being trapped out in no where’s land with nobody around to help you when you come across some nuclear atomic freaks, or some weird dude in a hockey mask out to poke you through the ribs with the broken off handle of a rake. Isn’t that what the Loch Ness monster is all about, or Big Foot -- being caught out in the real world with nobody to help you when big ole danger comes your way?

And I guess I can understand the fear. The real world is really unpredictable. You could be minding your own business, picking some berries or something, and all of a sudden a bear comes up and wants to eat you, or have sex with you, but I think eat you is probably more probable. And what do you do then. Lay on the ground and act like you’re dead? I wonder if that even works. Who knows. The bear could be horny. And look what you’ve gone and done. Laid right on the ground just like he wants you to, waiting for the sweet lovin to come. Yep. Now who’s tossing whose salad? Hmmm… Salad.

I should make a song out of that. Call it, “Now Who’s Tossin’ Whose Salad?”

It wouldn’t be about bear/man love. But it would be about, uh, salad. Maybe a love/hate song. The whole song would be from the point of view of the man whose chick cheated on him. And he’s telling her about how she’ll miss all the good love he’s given her throughout the years. The chorus would go like this:

Girl, you’ll be missin me kissin you sweetly
You’ll be missin dem late night treats
You’ll be missin my dirty little talents
Now look who’s tossin whose salad.

Scared

2006-02-27T16:32:00.000-05:00

Here I am, back again.

Man, was I sleepy this morning. I think I went to sleep twice just in the first two hours I was here. But then the working started.

And now, I'm back on the Internets conversing with the masses, or the one or two of you who happen about this blog.

So, what shall we converse about today. I guess, nothing, because there's nothing I want to talk about. How about those Olympics. That's a joke. One big joke.

Nobody I know watched the Olympics. Actually, no one I know watches American Idol either. So, I guess whatever whoever I know watches can't be considered a great gauge on what normal people are watching.

Okay, how about cable technicians. I hate cable technicians. One came out yesterday and screwed up my whole cable tv set-up. I had it so I could record ol' skool and with the DVR because Comcast won't let a brother record that good On Demand programming. So, I need a way around it. I also had it hooked up to two televisions in other rooms. But the technician wanted to be a big "B" about it and unhooked my whole set-up.

I wouldn't have even called omcast if On Demand was acting right. I gotta catch my Cathouse reruns. But whenever I hit the On Demand button, I kept getting an error message. At first I thought it might be the splitter, so I hooked the main line up directly to the cable box, and it still was acting up. So, I new either someone was stealing my cable, or somthing else was going on.

I told the technician it was coming from outside, but he acted like I didn't know what the heck I was talking about. And then he started acting all fruity when he saw the splitter. He called back to the office and tried to get me charged with hooking up extra lines. But luckily, the rep wasn't a "B' like him. So, he eventually left, and he took my splitter with him. Bas..., bad doodie person. Dangnammit. Always a brother.

That's right, he was a brother. Always one of my own trying to slide up to the devil by doing his work, like a that big eyed negro on Boondocks. People think that's a stereotype, but it's not. The ones that'll try to do it to a brother the worse is another brother, one of those house negroes. Hate'em almost as much as I ... Uh,oh, someone's coming.

I gotta go...

Food

2006-02-24T16:50:00.000-05:00

Wow. My boss just left. So, I guess that I'm not fired yet. Yippee! I can eat. I can eat. Thank you Baby Jesus!

Back Again

2006-02-24T15:10:00.000-05:00

Dang nammit. Three posts in two days. That's a record for me. That's like Superman/Clark Kent all rolled up into one. Although, I hate Superman and Clark Kent. I'm a villain. It's in my nature.

So, as you can guess, I'm doing nothing again. I went to a meeting, got a quick lunch, now I'm back at my desk "working." Ain't America great.

I probably shouldn't get too happy. I'm soo useless here, I can see them firing me today, right on the spot. I'm completely worthless. I have no leverage. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't have a job Monday morning. Although I better hope I do. I'm always a paycheck away from living on the streets. Or worse, with my mama.

That's why I got all them ads on my new site. I'm trying to make some real money off these Internets. I recently signed up for Adbrite and let them put those porno ads on my site. I figured I'd get some real dough then. But then I saw some of them and decided that they just looked too tacky. So I had them removed. Or they should be gone by tomorrow.

But that hasn't stopped me. I'm thinking up some stuff like that dude who made a million dollars off of selling pixels on his web page. I'm thinking up something on them lines, except without the pixels because that's played.

I'm thinking more on the lines of boobage and eyeballs. That's all I'm going to say about that right now. Don't want anyone stealing my brand new idea. I couldn't handle someone else getting rich off me like Burger King already has.

P.S. I'll probably have another post for you at the end of the day so you'll know if I got fired today or not.

Half-Ehin' It

2006-02-24T13:34:00.000-05:00

Here's another post from work. Pretty much half the office has gone for lunch. But there are still a few around that could "bust" me. So, I still gotta be careful.

As you can tell, I'm still getting paid not to do crap. I've spent the past two hours, off and on, checking out sites on the Internet. I feel like dirt for doing it. I should be doing something important, but here I am again typing this blog post. I should be ashamed of myself, except maybe the fact I don't have work to do is not my fault.

I really don't mind working. I won't say I love working, but I can't say I hate it either. Work comes easily to me. I figure the hardest part to having a job is getting up on time and getting there. That's like 50 percent of having a job. Another 25 percent is actually doing work. And the last 25 percent is doing your job well. But working at 75 percent ain't half bad.

The problem is when you're in a position like me, when you don't really have work to do. That right there means I'm half-a..., half-butting it at work. And it ain't even my fault. It's sad man. It's sooo sad. I feel like crying, except I don't because I know having a job where you don't do crap is better than having no job at all.

So, I guess I better be happy with what I got. At least I can pay the bills, even though I always feel like a worthless piece of doodie at the end of the day.

That's why I pray to Baby Jesus that I finally get some work to do, or win the Mega Millions tonight. If you don't play, you can't dream.

By the way, Xplicit has to take that MF off the site. I mean, how dare he use such explicit language on a public site like this. Little children could surf on by and see that MF and have their little monkey minds ruined. Plus, I don't think Jesus is cool with it. Pat Robertson told me so in a dream last night right after I got that bj from Ashanti

2006-02-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

This post comes from work. I sit here at my desk doing absolutely nothing. I feel bad. Plus, I can't check out the porn sites right now. Or download crap. Or really use any real bad foul language. My boss could walk by. Or another employee. And then that's my, uh, butt.

I usually don't post from work because of those reasons. Some IT tech geek could be reading all the crap I'm sending to my site. All IT geeks are sick and weird in the brain, including YOU. You know who you are, you sick bas.., uh , doodie head. That's right, you're a doodie head. Stop reading my stuff. I can't stand it when you read my stuff. That's my privacy there, you sick fre.., uh, bad person.

That's probably means that I'll never make another post from work. Especially to a site with M-F in the title. It's too nerve wrecking. I can't handle it. I feel like I'm about to explode. Help me, Baby Jesus. Give me work to do so that I don't go on the Internet and type this crap. I need work. PLEASE!

Uh Oh. Wait. I think that's nobody. In about 4 minutes my co-worker will be leaving for home. She passes right by me when she goes and gets her coat. I think I better change screens. She just went to the bathroom.

That was close. I'm so scared of being "found out." Sounds like I'm a pedo.., uh, I better not type that. They might have filters going. All of a sudden I'm being investigated by the FBI. That's why I better get off here.

Uh-Oh! Somebody's coming. I feel so dirty.

The Sound of One Hand Clapping

2006-01-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

Do not comment on this post. This post will disappear in a few days never to appear again. I repeat, do not comment here.

If you do comment, don't be surprised if I somehow track you down by your ip address and KILL YOU.

Top Ten Hip-Hop Albums of 2005

2006-01-04T17:16:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhh. A brand new year.

I wonder why people think the day after December 31 will be any different than the day before it. It's crap. Nothing really changes. And yet, I find myself like so many others looking forward to the new year coming in. Because, well face it, 2005 was probably one of the shittiest years in history.

Of course I'm not counting anything before 1960, because everything before 1960 was pretty shitty already. But compare 2005 to many of the years after 1960, and I bet it comes in the top ten. I mean, you got the year Kennedy was shot, the year Martin was shot, maybe the year where Vietnam had the highest body count, of course 9/11 2001, and the year Wall Street collasped. I mean you gotta have a pretty shitty year to top 2005. You gotta have major massive deaths beyond Katrina. And a president or two have to get shot. That shit's gotta be bad. So, I'm actually looking forward to 2006. It's gotta be better than 2005.

Anyway, I decided to drop a long awaited load on the one or two of you who aren't fuckin' spambots. At least force the spambots to break that shit up among posts. So, I decided to drop my top ten list of the top hip-hop albums of 2005. Of course, it was hard picking 10 albums I actually enjoyed. Hip-hop sucked in 2005. Actually, rock kind of sucked, too. Just not as much. So, here's my picks to go along with the crap Xplicit dropped in December. By the way, I wonder if he's dead. I heard he's dead. I could be mistaken.

10. Prince Paul - Instrumentalist. This isn't a great album, but I like to have an instrumental album on my top ten list. And this, unfortunately, is the best of the bunch. Plus, Prince Paul is still good for a funny skit or two.

9. Blueprint - 1988. Blueprint tends to make my list each year. But that's because he's always trying something new, and coming pretty close to succeeding at it. This year it was old school beats and samples over nostalgic and battle rhymes, or what many call "the standards."

8. Big Pooh - Sleepers. This shit made my list because I played the cd constantly the first couple of months of the year. This shit was a surprise. I wasn't expecting it to be good. And I kept passing this shit up. But this was one of the top underground records of the year.

7. Common - Be. This shit made my list because, well, it was supposed to make my list. I was sort of underwhelmed by this shit. When you make a ten track album (don't count Food), every track better be banging. Instead, most of this shit was just adequate the whole way through. But I guess this shit gets points for being constant.

6. Cage - Hell's Winter. This shit was sort of hit and miss for me. Many of the El-P/Camu Tao tracks were killer. And DJ Shadow always comes through, but the rest was sort of lackluster. I wanted to enjoy this shit more than I did, but all it did was make me look forward more to that El-P/Camu Tao album that's supposed to drop next year.

5. Little Brother - The Minstrel Show. This shit is like Common's album. It was adequate and constant the whole way through. A real solid album that bored the fuck out of me in places. I really wanted to like this shit more as well, but alas.

4.Muggs v Gza - Grandmasters. Muggs goes ole' school Wu on a brother. And Gza just keeps painting those pictures. This was one of those big surprises of the fall season. I found myself listening to this shit more than some other shit I was supposed to be enjoying.

3. The Game - The Documentary. Yeah, he's a name-dropper. And his flow is choppy. And he's only been rhyming for two, now, three years. But this one wins because of the production. The first six to seven tracks on here kills most people's sloppy seconds. Probably why Fiddy was so pissed off his shit got so little care. Second best produced album of the year.

2. MF Grimm - Scars and Memories. Did this shit drop last year. Because I swear, I spent the first six months listening to this shit back and forth. Sure, it's all old shit, but damn, Grimm's old shit beats most people's new shit. I couldn't get enough of this shit. I had it in my Dell Jukebox, my cd player and my car player. I pretty much played this shit out. And although, this shit is more like some greatest hits type shit, the fact it got heavy personal rotation beats all its limitations.

1. Kanye West - Late Menstruation. Yep. The asshole wins again, just like in real life. George Bush don't like black people. Black people can't stand Kanye West. But we gotta give him his props. He drops the best produced album of the year. He can't rhyme. He can't sing. But he sure can put those beats together.

Best Album of 2005: Day 7

2005-12-15T21:54:00.000-05:00

Day 7 - Dec 15:
GZA & DJ Muggs - Grandmasters

Wu-Tang's cerebral rapper GZA teams up with Cypress Hill DJ Muggs to deliver a highly anticipated collaborative effort. There is alot of references to chess and the album has a feeling of being intelligent, deliberate, calculated...in other words, exactly the kind of stuff GZA is known for. Muggs utilizes Wu-Tang styled soul samples so this acutally sounds very much like early 90's Wu as opposed to a real clash of styles between Wu and Cypress Hill. The album gets a lift from guest appearnces such as the posse cut "Advanced Pawns" featuring RZA, Raekwon and Sen Dog. Overall a good addition to any Wu fan's collection even if it wont go down as an incredible classic. "Unprotected Pieces" is the shit.

Best Album of 2005: Day 6

2005-12-14T21:37:00.000-05:00

Day 6 - Dec 14:
Opio - Triangulation Station

Opio of the Hieroglyphics collective made me notice this album by scoring a perfect 10 at rapreviews.com, although with little mention elsewhere. While this album is not perfect, it certainly holds up and gets better as it moves along. However, I'm not particularly digging every beat - they are solid but not spectacular. This is probably were Common is.

Best Album of 2005: Day 5

2005-12-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

Day 5 - Dec 13:
Opeth - Ghost Reveries

This album has been confirmed by several trusted people to be the best metal album of the year. The album certainly doesn't lack in creativity, and the musicianship is well above average. I can't say that I'm a big fan of the low-pitched growling, but their ability to switch quickly between styles and to make each track sound fresh certainly earns my respect. I'd put this up there with One.Be.Lo.

"Hello Kitty: My Little Bedtime Friend" (a Vibrator)

Best Album of 2005: Day 4

2005-12-12T21:17:00.000-05:00

Day 4 - Dec 12:
One.Be.Lo - S.O.N.O.G.R.A.M.

One.Be.Lo serves as my second example of a man splitting from his duo (in this case, Binary Star) to create a compelling solo album; the other one is Sean Price. Anyways, this album is sublimely produced and One.Be.Lo dominates lyricially. The album is 73 minutes long but manages to stay fresh throughout. At times some songs tend to drag, but in general it is masterfully done. I'd put this ahead of the last 3.

In other news....new coffee-infused coke. It will probably suck. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051207/bs_nm/food_cokeblak_dc

Best Album of 2005: Day 3

2005-12-11T20:54:00.000-05:00

Day 3 - Dec 11:
Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth

First off, I have to commend Trent Reznor for getting Dave Grohl to do drums on this. Dave has a very distinctive style, very powerful - think of the opposite of Kanye's drums. On the other hand, his lyrics sometimes are subpar. His songwriting ranges from pretty good to great. I tended to not like it so much when it slowed down. But overall, its a good album - I'll put this tied with Sean Price.

What is the best album of 2005?

2005-12-10T20:02:00.000-05:00

So...when I saw the Grammy nominations come out, I realized that even when I had enough sense to know that none of the Grammy nominees were correct, I myself didn't know what the correct winners would be.

So I am embarking on a discovery of the best album of 2005 - downloading and listening to an album per day to find the best. I'll do a brief overview of the albums I've heard so far in this quest.

Day 1 - Dec 9:
Sean Price - Monkey Barz

Sean Peeeee is a nice continuation of hardcore NY hip hop, with grimy beats and a sense of humour. He shows a nice switch up from regular topics with songs like "Brokest Rapper You Know" and the gully "I Love You (Bitch)" which probably is the best love song ever. The bad part is that some of the musical backdrops lack a little and sometimes Sean himself seems stuck treading the familiar parts of uncreative brag rap. All in all, it's a nice album.

Day 2 - Dec 10:
Common - BE

Common's most successful and hyped-up album is, unsuprisingly, not his best (that would be "Ressurection"). However its an honest effort from the Chicago native. The production is split between JayDee, who shines on the 3 tracks he produces, and Kanye West, who dissapoints in about half the 8 songs he produces. The album is good overall but inconsistent - I like parts of this better than the Sean Price album, but overall I like "Monkey Barz" better.

2005 still sucks: Richard Pryor RIP.

Fuck a 2005

2005-11-27T12:38:00.000-05:00

Seriously. Do this many cool dudes die each year, or does 2005 just suck?

Not only did Pat Morita die on Thanksgiving Day, but just look at this list:

Dr. Bob Moog
Johnny Carson
Rosa Parks
Johnnie Cochran
Luther Vandross
Pope John Paul II - he was a pimp
Eddie Guerrero
Lucien Laurent - first person ever to score in a world cup
Arthur Miller
Deem Bristow - voice of Robotnik in the Sonic the Hedgehog games
Long John Baldry - musician, voice of Robotnik in the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon series

...Rest in peace...

Fuck a 2005, I don't love that hoe.

Here's the good news

2005-11-27T00:29:00.000-05:00

Now, after this comes the "bad news" post, but this one is just the good news.

Nas and DJ Premier are making a whole album together. Now this has been rumored for a while but it seems as though it's completely official now. Check out the new issue of Scratch Magazine.

DJ Premier is, in my not-so-humble opinion, is the best producer ever. Premier has produced a lot of classic songs (which i'll list later) and alot of Nas's best, like "Nas is Like..." or "New York State of Mind" or "2nd Childhood."

It's hard to argue against that Nas is currently the best MC there is. I mean, seriously, there is not alot of competition. Maybe the only time he hasn't shone over DJ Premier production is "Come and Get me" or whatever it's called, but that is off of "Nastradamus" so you can see why that wouldn't be too great.

Here's an awesome remix by Los Amigos Invisibles to "The Negotiation Limerick File" by the Beastie Boys.

A few DJ Premier produced songs:
Jeru the Damaja - Come Clean
Notorious B.I.G. - 10 Crack Commandments
Mos Def - Mathematics
Common - The Light
Jay-Z - D'Evils
Royce da 5'9'' - Boom
Gangstarr - Take a Rest
Big L - The Big Picture

Kevin Federline (Britney's husband) makes rap album; world not sure whether to laugh or cry

2005-11-10T18:09:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eo/17712
Basically, Kevin Federline, the weird "wigger/redneck" hybrid of a useless husband Britney Spears has, is trying to compete with Vanilla Ice's "Platinum Underground" for the coveted "worst album I've ever heard" award.

Anyone expecting anything more than for alot of unitentional comedy will be deeply, deeply dissapointed. He might do some stuff on par with Aaron Carter's rap songs, and by that I mean on par in terms of completely and unitentionally hilarious.

I'll be sure to review this in the future.

BTW - Tony Macq is back in business like he's EPMD. Or maybe not like he's EPMD. Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that he's blogging again.

Positively PE-ish

2005-11-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

I just heard a song called "Victim of a Criminal" by Front Line Assembly, and it sounds positively PE-ish, right down to James Brown samples and what have you. However, you might be suprised that FLA is 2 white guys who make industrial/dance/metal type music. I dont know, I find this whole thing interesting. the vocals are Chuck D-ish as well as having PE-ish lyrics:

"Another murder in the name of democracy / Land of the free with policies of slavery"

More interesting still is some of the phrases heard: "Straight up yo" and "Ain't going out like that" and "Yeah and it ain't no joke"

Check it out: Front Line Assembly "Victim of a Criminal"
http://s52.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1M418P0N2GQIU2RMOUO28CPR87

Bonus: fIREHOUSE doing "Sophisticated Bitch"
http://s52.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0ILCHI3JMU8612XGIES8VZBCQJ

Bonus 2: Sepultura doing "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos"
http://s52.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0FNBL1K0DSPHM2NQUZ0RTISBG2

Around the hip-hop world

2005-10-28T18:15:00.000-05:00

You know, i usually dont check out hip-hop news sites cause they suck. Today i checked out btn.com and heres my shitty opinions on shit.

Clyde Smith launches new site
http://www.manhunt.com/news/stories/1110067230.html
Here's some free promotion for him. I didnt actually read the article, but if the dude at the top is him then thats funny.

Beastie Boys hate KFC
http://www.ballerstatus.net/news/read/id/53052684/
Come on, the Beasties are funny jewish people who used to make good albums. Who gives a shit what they think about how chicken die?

Biggie's clothing line
http://www.rapnewsdirect.com/News/2005/02/08/BIG.B.M/
Sounds suspect, since cashing in on dead people is the hot rap trend these days.

Will & Jada with "open marriage" - i.e. fuck other people
http://www.realitytvworld.com/index/articles/story.php?s=1001905
I'll go ahead and bet that who they fuck is people their own sex.

JMJ tribute, foundation
http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=4033
Personally i'd like a pair of Ultrastars (nhjic). Do they ever plan on brining those back?

Wu-Tang do an ODB tribute song
http://www.411mania.com/music/news/article.php?news_id=6935
Sounds sweet, actually. Wtf is up with the neptunes on their album though? Preemo should be tight

Nas Clothing Line
http://www.nobodysmiling.com/hiphop/news/80199.php
It's okay, I guess.

Dude from Fear Factory also produces
http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=4685
Weird.

Fergie pisses herself at show
http://www.lukaskaiser.com/archives/2005/08/the_black_eyed.html
The fuck?

Chuck D interviews Superhead
http://www.airamericaplace.com/archive.php?mode=display&id=2135
He wont call her that though.

And im done.

Inside Out - No Spitiritual Surrender Review

2005-10-26T09:53:00.000-05:00

First off, a RIP to Rosa Parks. Im not going to go on about the world lost another beautiful soul and what have you cause if you didnt know that already, get the fuck out of this site and get educated.

So what is Inside Out? I'll call them 90's "metalcore" but make no mistake about it, the main draw here is the vocalist, none other than Zack de La Rocha.

See, Mr. de la Rocha's earliest influences were old punk groups like the Sex Pistols, which of course led to appreacieation of hardcore punk like Bad Brains or Minor Threat and heavy metal (although I can't pinpoint exactly what the band is, there certainly is a metal influence.)

After being in a straight edge band, he made this group, Inside Out, and this is their 1990 EP. This is a mere 2 years before "Rage Against the Machine" came out, and during that time Zack picked up a huge influence from Public Enemy and to a lesser degree KRS-1, Run-DMC, EPMD, Eric B. & Rakim, etc.

The "Rakim meets Chuck D of Public Enemy" voice we all know and love is not present on this album. The guitar playing sticks to metalcore and so are the vocals - screamed for the most part, sung a little, it is basically never rapped like it was in RATM. Zack does already sport activist lyrics, but they stem mostly from Minor Threat and hardcore punk, not Public Enemy and KRS-One and political hip-hop.

So this is not a Rage album, nor does it sound like it, nor does it attempt to be onr or sound like it. But is it good?

This CD has alot going for it, but ultimately Inside Out is just another band with good intentions and reedeming qualities but not enough good music to ever be one of your favorite bands. Nor can they be - Zack's split and the RATM rise and fall have made this EP more of an interesting relic in Zack's career - a place for one to examine his growth as an artist rather than a CD for actual musical value.

It's not bad, it's just not that good. It's a fairly interesting listen and if you can get it at your nearest "legal downloading center" it's worth the short downlading time(it's only 6 songs, clocking in at 15 minutes). In fact, alot of the songs sound very similar and thus you might just want to listen to a few songs. Recommended for Zack and RATM fans who are curious about the evolution of the band.

Rev Run - Distortion Review

2005-10-22T10:46:00.000-05:00

Rev Run, with his MTV show and being a Reverend and what have you, comes up with his first solo album. So how is it? Well, its short, but...read on.

01. I Used to Think I Was Run
Rev really is intense throughout this album, and the opener is certainly a demonstration of this. The song is pretty good with a nice chorus.

02. Home Sweet Home
This samples "Sweet Home Alabama" and its alright for remaking Lynrd Skynrd into rap, I guess. Not really all that.

03. Boom Ditty
And this song has a thump like you havent heard - a certified minimalistic headnodder. My shit.

04. Breaktime
A minute 42 seconds with a bunch of breaks and what I'm guessing is a 303 synth or something. It's okay, but "Boom Ditty" is better.

05. High and Mighty Joe
Headnodder again, just a fun song. The chorus is pretty funny and again the focus is on the drumming. I'd like to know who's doing the scratches and who's playing bass and what have you cause there's definitely alot of live instrumentation.

06. The Way
Song about how good he preaches, which is untrue. He's not really all that knowledgable about God. But the percussion and the guitars are nice. Actually the lyrics arent that bad either.

07. Don't Stop Y'all
He switches his flow up, and the weird synthesizers and chorus are pretty sweet.

08. Mind on the Road
Big single, big-time headnodding with the booming drums and the distortion guitars. Fuck it, I like it and deal with it.

09. Take a Tour
Another song with a laid back flow and general laid back feel,at least compared to the rest of the album. I dig the percussion andwhatever instrument that is that plays along. The Blondie sample on the hook works alright.

10. Distortion
Closes with the title track, so I'm guessing its suppossed to be super important. Rev Run has a powerful voice that feels right at home over the booming percussion (and you guessed it) distortion guitars and ocassionally distorted vocals or what have you. The guitar solo isnt all that good though.

Overall
This album reminds me of Run-D.M.C. even though it doesn't sound much like Run-D.M.C. Of course Run still is Run and there's Run-D.M.C. samples scattered througout, but the sound in general doesnt sound like that. What I mean is that its just a fun album - Rev isnt the most intelligent or the wittiest rapper ever and whoever plays guitar is no Marty Friedman, but they dont have to be. There is a certain urgency to the songs, a certain class, a certain fun to it - that's how it reminds me of Run-D.M.C.

So yeah, this album is over at 23:03, the longest song is 3:07 and there's 2 songs that dont even break the 2 minute mark. So yeah, its short. The truth is, however, I'll take 23 minutes of shit this good as oppossed to 46 minutes of shit half this good.

Like my man GZA said:
"Half as long, twice as strong"

djx featured on SOHH.com

2005-10-15T21:16:00.000-05:00

Number 4.
http://sohh.com/articles/article.php/7670

Yeah kids, the 1 & only djxplicit and his "222 Reasons I Hate Kanye West" has been mentioned on SOHH.com - hailed as the "most awesomest hip-hop site on, like, the planet, dude!" by several aging white men in Rolling Stone magazine who swear theyre still cool.

Big ups to Bol Guevara, M.D. for providing that link (nhjic). I didn't even know the kids at SOHH.com had mentioned me till he emailed me that.

For some reason though, they dont link to this site, nor even to the list (still found at http://www.slapadropout.tk). I don't like spreading rumours or anything, but word on the internets is that they gotta get their advertising revenue from Kanghey and...well, we all know Big Bank doesnt like Bol or none of the stop Kanye movement.

Anti-Matter

2005-10-13T17:55:00.000-05:00

I was talking politics with some dudes during lunch. I reiterated some dumb shit I wrote here recently, about how I thought the Palestinians should get back some of that "stolen" land. The Jew in the group immediately called me an anti-Semite, like most Jews do. And we went on ripping on each other's cultures and shit. I talked about his Yarmulke-wearing, matzah ball-eating relatives. He talked about my corn bread, collar green, fried chicken-eating ancestors.

By the way, chicken is good. I don't give a fuck. I love chicken. My black, big lipped, rap music loving ass loves him some chicken. I ain't for the watermelon. But I can eat me some chicken. Now if that makes me a Sambo, shuck and jiving ass Negro, then that's just what I am. I don't give a fuck.

Anyway. Getting back to the crap. The shit ended with him walking away from the group like the little beyotch he is. And, of course, like most racists, I felt greatly superior for standing up to the Jew. The thing is, I initially took the argument pretty lightly. I honestly didn't feel like it was that big of a deal. But certain shit that he said kept coming back on me over and over again. I just couldn't let shit go.

It hit me that the little bastard had subtly called me a liar several times. He hinted that I was nothing more than some Ghetto trash, when he kept comparing my family to a group of squirrels, or tree rats as some people call them. And he made disparaging remarks about my appearance, focusing on my slight beer belly (I love you, navels). He topped it off by saying that I was an underachieving son of a beyotch.

And the truth is, I've said filthier shit about my family and myself. But hearing this shit from him, for some reason, seemed to really piss me the fuck off. Who the fuck did this white boy think he was? I could have beat the shit out of him with both hands tied behind my back. I've stomped the shit out of people who've said worser to me. And I let this little pussy ass prick get away with murder. I took that shit with a smile on my fuckin' face like some fuckin' retard. Sickening!

Beyotch had the nerve to get mad because I couldn't give a shit about Israel, piece of dirt filled dookey hell. Fuck Israel. Fuck the land. Fuck the people. Fuck the muthafuckin religion. Now, does that shit make me a racist? If it does, then I don't give a fuck. I'm a racist.

There. I said it. I'm a fuckin' racist. I can't stand white people. There. You happy. And that's just too fuckin' bad for the Jews in the group. Because, as we all know, a Jew ain't nothing but a white dude that other white dudes hate. That's what Jew means. Look that shit up in the dictionary. I ain't lying.

Dude thinks he gets a pass because he's Jewish. A Jew could give a shit about a black man. Talking that dumb shit like we're in the same boat. There ain't no same boat. I don't give a fuck who you are, black, Jew, Latino, woman, Asian. It don't matter. We're all persecuted. But we all ain't in the same boat.

It's like that shit with those racist stamps down in Mexico. Up north, we're supposed to be all brothers, but down south, those devils still do shit in black face. To them, we all ain't the same. I turned on Univision, or Telemundo, one of those Spanish stations. And guess what I saw: some dude, dark skinned and all, with facial features like a fuckin' monkey. Saw another show with some dude in black face acting "nigger" like. And this shit was broadcast in America.

Ask them black Mexicans, those black Puerto Ricans, those black Cubans. Those dudes'll tell you. No matter where you go. No matter who you think you're affiliated with. In the end, a nigger is always a nigger. If you happen to do some dumb shit and become a black Jew, in the end, you'll always be a Nigger Jew. Black Israelites know what the fuck I'm talking about.

So, I don't give a fuck. I got the right to speak the truth. There ain't no unity. There ain't no us. There's them. And then there's us. And that's just how I like it. Straight, no chaser. Stop the bullshit. There ain't no America. Whether you're in the country, down south, up north, out west, downtown or uptown, suburb or city, project or townhouse, no matter where you live, hold this shit to be self-evident:

When the dust settles, in the end, there's only them and us.

Yahoo, MicroCrap: LIGAF

2005-10-12T21:50:00.000-05:00

Hermit Rule #497

Yahoo, Microsoft close to IM pact

I'm trying to get back into the blogging thing, and this is one of my first attempts at doing one of those traditional blogging things. You know, when you regurgitate bullshit you found on a real news site, and add your worthless bullshit comments about the crap. So, here it goes.

Yahoo and Microsoft are close to opening their IM protocols to each other. Both of these companies, along with AOL, have spent years closing any interoperability holes in their networks, hoping to force their respective users to stick with their network, using their proprietary software. Of course, this has been a failure, seeing that many users have flocked to Trillian, and the open source IM client, GAIM. And now with Google jumping into the mix, Yahoo and Microsoft have finally saw the need to combine their two networks, creating one of the largest IM networks around.

The exchange of both text and voice messages is being considered, although the source stressed that details of the pact are still being finalized. The two companies are planning to announce the deal on Wednesday, the source said.

Unfortunately, the move is too little, too late. Why? Because I honestly could give a fuck. I haven't used the MSN or Yahoo IM networks in years. In fact, I hate IM altogether. I only keep the Trillain client on my hard drive for that rare occasion when I'm looking to be bothered by stalkers.

Anyone who has used IM before know what I'm talking about. Let's say, you're surfing the Internets, checking out some porn, or possibly writing that incredible blog posting that will blow everyone to pieces. Or you're hustling hard in an online multiplayer round of NBA Live, or Madden, and some dude you haven't spoken to in ages decides to "knock" on your door for a chat.

Now, you're fuckin' busy. You got titties and vagina flaps to look at, and all of a sudden your boner gets interrupted by Stalker90210. Now, this beyotch ain't saying shit he couldn't have said in a fuckin' e-mail, but now, he wants to have a long conversation on, let's say, anal warts. He's hitting you up on how you feel about anal warts, and all you wanna do is magnify that zoom on this fucked up Internet porn beyotch's anal wart. But you can't, because everytime you try to zoom, you hear that annoying IM ping, and this asshole has a new question to ask you.

Now, you don't wanna hurt this beyotch's feelings, because, well, it's your e-homes. You know, he's part of your fuckin' Internet crew. But you really would like to devote your full attention on this porn beyotch's cootchie stank. And you can't, because home-skillet won't fuckin' stop pinging you with his dumb shit. So, you end up making up some dumb fuckin' excuse like, I don't know, you forgot to rape yourself early, so you gotta get to oiling up the screwdriver handles. Or, maybe, somebody's trying to kill you, and you'll talk to them later after you stop the attack. You know, some over the top bullshit.

But I say, why go through that bullshit in the first place. Kill the IM bullshit before it starts. Don't load that shit, EVER. If dude needs to get in touch with you, dude needs to relearn that shit we used to call e-mail. You heard of that shit, beyotches. That's what that shit was made for.

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-10-10T23:06:00.000-05:00

In honor of the start of NBA Training Camp, it's time to ask some important questions relating to everyone's favorite blend of athleticism and crime.

Given his corruption indictment, do you think Tom De Lay will face enough questions about his heart to nickname him "Eddy Curry?"

Eddy's heart just skipped a beat.

Since last year's Timberwolves were such a wreck, does anyone else think we should just refer to last season as the Malik Sealy Season?

Did the Hornets have a Bobby Phills Season too?

Whose name is more associated with the word bust: Damon Stoudamire or Kwame Brown?

What's more broke: Pakistan or Amare Stoudemire's knee?

And, finally, no homo Juelz Santana, what lasted longer: Nick and Jessica's marriage or Rafael Palmeiro without viagra?

Why did he take steroids? Because he wasn't naturally good with the wood.

Public Enemy - New Whirl Odor Album Review

2005-10-05T17:35:00.000-05:00

Well, PE decided to not put out whatever it was they were doing with Paris (or at least delay it till next year) and put this out instead. I guess that's OK, but why didnt they combined the best of both?

01. …And No One Broadcasted Louder Than… (Intro)
Some dude keeps up with the black CNN metaphor. I mean, I guess.

02. New Whirl Odor
Pretty sweet, actually, even though the vocals seem to be played thorugh a tape player.

03. Bring That Beat Back
This would be good if the beat didnt sound like OKplayer ripping off Kanye West. Still good vocals. By the way, I dont know how you can make a bad Kanye West imitation - you just take a Luther Vandross song and play it really fast. And I mean that quite literally.

04. 66.6 Strikes Again (Intermisson One)
This is a tribute to the "Incident at 66.6 FM" instrumental back in the day - and they got the same radio guy and the phone calls and a new, but totally nice instrumental. Actually this beat is better than the past 2.

05. MKLVFKWR (featuring Moby)
This is pretty old, but it has great lyrics and it doesnt even sound all that techno. Actually this production is better than the fake Kanye earlier. Of course i still like the Raw Public remix better.

06. Questions
The now required attempt at heavy metal. This is actually pretty damn interesting even if some parts are just typical Fine Arts Militia or what have you (and I mean that in a bad way). Where is Anthrax when you need em?

07. Makes You Blind
A more traditonal rap song, except better. Probably produced by DJ Johnny "Juice" Rosado. The lyrics take the traditional shots at the government, news and corporations but with the usual cleverness of Chuck D - "Throw your hands in the air, Bush and Blair dont care [...] they said to the masses they considered them asses / Take a look at the world, another Son of a Bush disaster"

08. Preachin To The Quiet
This one of the better songs. Maybe it's when PE isn't trying to reinvent the wheel when they sound better now days. Back in 89 they were groundbreaking, but this is 16 years after and they still want to break new ground at every turn, and maybe if they just stuck to making much better versions of what other poeple are doing their albums would be better. Just maybe.

09. Get Down
Another instrumental, this time more reminscent of "Security of the 1st World" if it wasnt as cool. But not alot of shit is as cool as "Security of the 1st World"

10. Revolution
This beat is pretty good, the chorus is awful, and who's this dude rapping? I want to say it's like a british dude or something. Professor Griff is on this too. A little hint to him: There's a reason why youre not on PE's best 2 albums.

11. Check What You're Listening To
Yeah, fuck the radio. But again the beat is kind of weird and not in a good way.

12. As Long As The People Got Something To Say
If I attempted to recreate like, "War at 33 1/3" without any James Brown samples, this is probably what I would end up with.

13. Ya'll Don't Know
Proffessor Griff solo = skip.

14. Either You Get It By Now Or You Don't (Intermission Two)
This is another good instrumental. Maybe they should do an all-instrumental album. Actually, not they shouldnt at all. By the way, is that like a Neil Young sample somewhere in there?

15. Superman's Black In The Building
With that kind of corny attempt to be clever of a title, you would never think that this is totally awesome and intense in a way you hadnt heard before from PE. This shit is 12 minutes long - and its complete with sax solos, guitar solos, drum solos, turntable solos. Maybe a little too long though.

OVERALL: Ok, I complained throughout most of this album, but it's actually pretty good. The problem is that the memories of "Fear of a Black Planet" and "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back" are there and nothing will ever be as good. The vocals are consistently good if they are kind of getting a little more repetitive than in the past but the beats are just not there. Next time, let's get Pete Rock to do the whole album. That'd be badass.

Best songs: The intermissons, "Makes You Blind" and "Superman's Black In The Building".

2005-10-04T09:21:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, every brown person on the face of the Earth is always planning to blow something up just to spite the Heavenly Space SuperGod Jesus. When boarding a plane, remember the old saying: If the passengers are brown, stay on the ground. If the passengers are white, have a nice flight!

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-09-28T21:52:00.000-05:00

This week, we're employing the help of one Nasty Naus, who has a few pertinent questions of his own to be answered.

"What broke more water last week: New Orleans levees or Britney Spears?

Where will you find more bastards: Philadelphia or Kevin Federline's house?

Who received more targeted strikes last weekend: Cincinatti Bengals cornerbacks or Palestinian militants?

Nasty Naus asks: What's looking more lively these days: the Houston Texans, Tom DeLay's political career, Peter Jennings's lungs, John Paul II or Vladimir Lenin?

Hitler Hates Whores...

2005-09-25T03:52:00.000-05:00

The great mass of people...will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.

-- Adolf Hitler

Jimmy Swaggart got that shit right. You hear me Jimmy. I know your shit, dawg. You my boy. We see that shit the same way. You can still abhore these beyotches and still wanna fuck'em. And Jesus ain't mad at cha'.

That's why he gave us Biggie and Tupac. I mean, why give two of the most ig'nant mothafuckas on this planet the talent to rap bullshit over another dude's music. Jesus put those dudes on this planet for a reason, gave them a voice, populated their following. And you wanna know why Christ did that shit? Because in the end, a beyotch is the first to love you, first to fuck you, and the first to leave you dry. And when you die, a beyotch is the only muthafucka that'll truly mourn your death. I hear you, Mary.

Nigga on the cross, bleeding and shit. He looks up to the sky and knows his ol' man ain't wit him no more. And he's looking around at his people, at his crew, and these beyotches either cowering in the corner like the filthy ass hoes they are, or they're joining in on the hate, spitting on a nigga, rocking a boulder to a brother's head.

And in that one moment, that's when he's looking around for somebody, anybody to be down with him. And he comes to the conclusion, the only beyotch looking to ride for him is that dirty ass ho' nobody showed any love to, except him. And that's when a brother knows, the only fucka that'll be there with him in the end is that ho' who ain't even higher than dirt, that ho' nobody gave a shit about, that ho' that nobody loves, except him.

And that's why I say Snoop got it wrong. He don't love no ho'. But I do. I got nothing but love for all you hoes, for all you filthy ass beyotches. And when I say beyotches, I mean all you beyotches. You know who you are.

Like Jimmy know, like Jesus know, in the end, all a man has is his ho' and his soul. And I ain't giving up either one for nobody.

Another One Bites The Dust

2005-09-25T03:14:00.000-05:00

WinMX offline - RIAA wins? Ya Right!
WinMX PNP Network Mysteriously Ends Operations

Early last week, one of the oldies bit the dust. WinMx ceased to exist. No one knows exactly why the software and the network were taken offline, but there's speculation that the company that owned the rights to WinMx, FrontCode Technologies, was hit with one of those RIAA legal letters, telling the company to end all that copyright infringement.

Many know how I feel about that copyright infringement. I hate it. Beyotches need to relearn how to buy shit. But still, it hurt knowing this trusted old app was taken offline. I used to use WinMx back in the day, back when Napster was still alive. The software was Napster upgraded. All the shit we all wished Napster was, WinMx became, including implementing that space-aged multi-user download technology. Plus, it had built-in OpenNap server list refreshability. Trust me, back in the day, this shit was sweet.

But when Napster, the largest of the networks you could connect to through the software, was taken down, WinMx became an afterthought. Many just went along and used the OpenNap servers, at least until the largest of these networks went "legit" and became Morpheus, later known more popularly as KaZaa. And still, many flocked to Audiogalaxy, another cool service that was struck down. And from the ashes of Napster, grew that p2p explosion none of the big boys could stop. Now, finding shit to "steal" ain't all that hard. Even the most ig'nant Internet user can get in on the copyright infringement. It's disgusting. It ain't even "cool" anymore.

That's why I'm going back to "buying" shit again. Sure, I might have to sell some blood, or some semen, but shit, I give up that shit on the daily anyway: the semen through my daily jerk-off, and the blood, through the blood-suckers who like to leech off my fuckin soul. Bastards!

But I digress. This here post is to show love to another one that helped me through those hard times. If it wasn't for WinMx, I might have not been able to listen to all those Tears for Fears and Duran Duran albums in their entirety. What better way to spend eight hours on a 56k modem in front of a computer screen every night. Ah. The sweet time I wasted.

I'm gonna miss you buddy, if you're really dead.

Rest in peace, you dead muthafucka. Rest in peace.

DOC SAVAGE: how about this for a post.

2005-09-23T02:07:00.000-05:00

lick my dick bitch fuck you.

White Girls Throwin up the Westside, Volume 2

2005-09-22T14:46:00.000-05:00

ALSO SEE: Volume 1.

Hello, I am Zodiac Digital, a man who does not know the meaning of the words "decency", "compassion", or "querulous."

Just so people know, the research and effort I put into this is the same that I put into every post, which is to say, none at all. Anyhoo. Here we go again.

The Etnies ruins the effect. If you discount MURS and possibly Kareem Campbell, there aren't any rappers who skateboard. And Kareem is really just a skateboarder who raps.

Seriously tho, doesnt she seem to be doing some really weird shit with the fingers there? Again, the face kind of ruins the effect. Anyone from California is 100% always mad in his/her pictures. It's just common knowledge. Except gays. They're always happy.

Again with the skateboarding (BAM - not unlike Emeril Lagasse's sauces or that one gay Atmosphere song. Wait, I think I just described all Atmosphere songs that ever existed.) I also like how akward her pinky finger looks. Actually, all of her fingers look awkward - like shes awkwardly attempting to grasp her own shoulder or something. Notice how much I say "awkward" on this post - cause thats the dominant effect that these pictures cause - awkwardness. Has aynone else realized how awkward the spelling of "awkward" is?

If there was ever a time the acronym "wtf?" was ever appropiate, it's here. I pray to God that this is some weird inside joke. Like when you go "hey - what time is it now?" and you and your four loser friends laugh frantically while everyone else looks at each other awkwardly. I hate you people.

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-09-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

Who's the worst fit: Verne Troyer in a dunk contest, Gheorge Muresan in a limbo contest, Eminem behind the boards, or Mike Sherman being involved in anything other than a lobotomy (nullus)?

Who would be the best nose tackle for the Packers: ~~Clitoris~~ Cletidus Hunt, Grady Jackson, or Reggie White's coffin?

Speaking of which, does anyone else wonder if someone called Gilbert Brown when Reggie needed a "Grave Digger?"

Who has shown more signs of life over the past few years: Terry Schiavo or the Lions' offense?

What's typically more spastic: a T.O. touchdown celebration or Michael J Fox?

What comes out more often: a 2Pac album or a member of B2K?

Who would prove more useful in a raid:

Dutch Cavalry

or

New Orleans bums?

White Girls Throwin up the Westside

2005-09-20T17:10:00.000-05:00

Firstly: I just noticed, I just got hit # 50,000 and some. Meaning 50,000 peoples have wasted their life on bullshit like the post that follows.

This is a special feature ive been thinking about doing, but havent actually got around to doing.

Anyhoo, this may or may not be the last time I do this, depending on how it turns out. Here we go.

The one on the left looks very determined. Despite the fact she hides behind her westside. Being "mysterious", I guess.

Isn't that shit "the shocker"?

There's just something remarkable about the girl in the green's teeth. They look like...fucking Jaws or something. I dont even know.

No comment.

Wu-Tang Updates: Wu Latino, MF Doom and RZA

2005-09-18T14:16:00.000-05:00

First off, I'm not really sure what to think of the "reggaeton/hip-hop" version of Wu-Tang made by a bunch of spainsh dukes. But here's the link anyways. Btw, it doesnt actually sound like the Wu at all, in my opinion. Whatever.
http://www.wu-tanglatino.com/

Secondly is some big news that I hadnt blogged about yet but whatever. There's this new Wu project that features a song wtih MF Doom and RZA, among other things.
http://www.flashenhanced.com/thinkdifferently/

What a little girl

2005-09-15T12:47:00.000-05:00

You've probably seen this but what the hell.
Bush at the U.N.
Here's the link.
*out*

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-09-12T19:57:00.000-05:00

Which football player has the least heart: Peerless Price, Maurice Clarett or Thomas Herrion?

Where will New Orleans suffer more losses: in the French Quarter or the NFL Standings?

Is Hurricane Katrina the only thing that could pack the Superdome?

Who's less likely to be on the other end of Joe Horn's call: Someone congratulating him on a victory or FEMA?

What's more torn up: Javon Walker's ACL or Scarlett Johannson's genitalia?

Who will score more points this year:
Da Darko

or

Da Bears

New Public Enemy New Orleans song

2005-09-09T21:42:00.000-05:00

Chea, on http://www.shutemdown.com/ way at the top. It's called "Hell No We Ain't All Right"

Also, word is "Rebirth of a Nation" got shelved. It wasn't top-class anyways, but it was pretty good as far as its still a million times better than the Tony Homo shit.

Alas, GuerillaFunk.com (Paris's site) reports that "Rebirth of a Nation" is getting pushed back yet again to January 26 because of a "previously undisclosed commitment" and the revised version will feature "additional tracks and expanded outwork"

Indian Chicks Hate Negroes

2005-09-08T23:20:00.000-05:00

I think Indian chicks are some of the hottest women around, at least the ones I see on television. I'm not talking about Native Americans. I'm talking about the real Indians, the ones from over in the Middle East and Asia. Its those Asian chicks that Im talking about, the ones that do those Bollywood movies, and appear in the occasional British television show or movie. I love Indian chicks almost as much as I dig Latinas. In fact, I dig them so much that they've surpassed light-skinned Latinas, Asian broads, and dark-skinned black chicks as my favorite chicks to lust after.

Here's how my list looks now:

1. Brown-skinned Latinas (No blondes, except Christina Milian, who really isn't blond, at least not naturally)
2. Light-skinned black chicks
3. Indians or Pakistanis (Preferably medium to dark-skinned broads who aren't fucked up in the grill)
4. Light-skinned Latinas (No blondes)
5. Asian chicks (Preferably Japanese, mixed, or Filipinos)
6. Black chicks mixed with another race besides white or Native American
7. Dark-skinned black chicks who aren't directly from Africa
8. Black chicks mixed with white who have more black features then white ones.
9. Black chicks mixed with Native American
10. White broads who aren't Irish or Russian
11. Sluts

The last one is an extra, and is pretty much self-explanatory. And to add to Indians: these chicks are either hot as fuck, or they look like that ugly ass wicked witch beyotch in the Wizard of Oz. So, when I mean Indian chicks, I mean the ones without the hook noses, the moles and the bullshit all over their faces. I'm sure the average Indian chick is ugly as fuck, but I'm willing to wade through the filth to get to the good stuff. Now, if that means I have to go over to India and sweet talk a Bollywood beyotch, then that's just what a man's gotta do.

The major problem with this list is that I probably couldn't get an Indian chick if my life depended on it. I hear that Indians hate black people, even though half of them are blacker than us. I think it's frowned upon for an Indian chick to get it on with a black dude. From what I've seen on PBS and other British shows and movies, Indians like to keep their shit in the family. They hate their chicks dating outside of the race. They'll put up with white dudes, if they're rich. But they really hate black people. I wonder how they feel about Hispanics. I've never seen a Indian show where an Indian chick is in love with a Mexican or a Cuban. I wonder what would happen then. Maybe I need to pitch that shit to the BBC. Make me some British money. Get me some of that Page 3, big hootie, British pootang.

I wonder what it's like to bang a British chick. I bet that shit's funny, her having an orgasm in British-speak, calling out, Ol' chap, bang my knickers, Old Chap! I need to get a hold of some British porn. I wonder if the British even make porn. I think the men are all gay over there, at least, that's what I've been told. They probably don't even watch porn, or even have the internet. I think they just read travel brochures and drink tea. Who knows. Fuck'em.

Let Me Tell Ya About My Best Friend

2005-09-08T20:55:00.000-05:00

Congratulations, Christina Milian. You are now my personal mascot, sort of like the Cleveland Indian, or that fuckin' crazy Irish fighting Leprechaun mothafucka, you know the one all ready to fuck up a brother. You might be asking yourself, if you ever visit this bullshit here, what does being Savage's personal mascot entail? Well, nothing really. I'll just pimp your image out on everything I do, and not pay you shit for it, unless you decide to sue me.

I believe this union between you and me will be mutually beneficial. See, since I'll be continuously stalk... I mean, watching after you, I'll be more apt to publicize your business and entertainment moves to an audience of nobodies ready to put down money on jack shit. You'll gain a whole new fanbase. Of course, that audience will mostly be made up of Nambla members, crackhead teenagers, and savage rapists and looters (I'm gonna miss New Orleans). But I say, some audience is better than no audience. Don't you agree?

Who knows, maybe if I live long enough, and happen to become famous, your image will reach heights associated with greatness. And when I say greatness, I mean bullshit. Hopefully I'll get a sitcom, or become mayor, or do some other bullshit like that, and you'll finally be able to buy yourself some new clothes, maybe feed yourself regularly. Who knows, being associated with me, you'll finally feel the need to stop whoring yourself to Nick Cannon. That's right, girl. I know the humilation you're going through. I know that bastard has shit on you. Maybe a sex tape? Please? It's okay to cry.

I know you don't like Nick Cannon. Nobody likes Nick Cannon. If Nick Cannon's mama had known she'd be pushin' Nick Cannon's ass out of her tore up cootchie, I'm pretty sure she would have went ahead with that abortion. In fact, I think Nick Cannon knows it as well. I can see how he hides his pain with dumb ass fuckin' skits and bullshit rap songs. It's his way of coping with the pain of being born an asshole, sort of like that devil baby that came out of Rosemary. I forget that shit. Did Rosemary have that baby, or was that shit just threatening to murder her ass through her womb? Mama, I'll kill yo' ass, Stewie-style. And just think, some fuckin conservative Republicans wanna ban abortion.

It's shit like having a baby threatening to kill you from outta your own fuckin' belly, and knowing you have Nick Cannon about to come outta your shit that tells me that we should keep abortion legal. What if you had Nick Cannon in your stomach (Christina, say it ain't so), wouldn't you wanna throw that evil fetus muthafucka down a garbage shoot, or flush his embryonic ass down a toilet. I know I would. I bet Nick Cannon's mother feels filthy knowing what came outta her cootchie. Giving birth to Nick Cannon must be how it feels to be violently raped (I think I did this joke before. Fuckin' hack).

Nick Cannon's mama, if you're reading this, I feel your fuckin pain. And if I can help in anyway, you know with providing therapy, or cleansing your vaginal area and whatnot, don't hesitate to write a brother. I know you haven't felt like the world has loved you all of these years, but I'm telling you girl, I love you. Shit, girl, I'll love your ass all night long if you let me. At least if you look like Ludacris's mother. I saw her ass on television once. And I have to admit, I'd bang her, you know, Ludacris's mother. I'm sure she's in her early forties. Although, seeing that Ludacris could have come from the hood -- you never know with these rap stars -- she could be no older than in her thirties. But i doubt it. If she was that young, she'd have had to given birth to Luda back when she was ten. Although, knowing the hood, I wouldn't put it past a beyotch to get knocked up that early, especially with assholes like me walking around on this great Earth. Thank you, Jesus.

And in the name of the almighty, I'm looking forward to saving another lost soul. Hopefully Christina and me will meet someday pretty soon. Maybe I'll take her out to lunch, get her a McChicken, let her go crazy on that dollar menu. Make a beyotch feel special. Take her to see a three-month old movie for three dollars. Possibly, hook her up with some new shoes from Payless. You know how I do. End the night with me slipping a Cubic Zirconia on her finger. Damn it, I can see her now, smiling wider than she's smiled in ages. I do what I can for my beyotches.

I think I'll call her tonight, maybe send her a couple of mails. Hopefully, she'll get back to me soon. We'll be best friends. Won't we, Christina. Hee-Hee-Hee.

Further proof that "Hip-Hop literature" is an oxymoron

2005-09-06T21:57:00.000-05:00

Fiddy Cent has taken himself way too seriously for like 8 years now, or thats how it feels because I swear theres 68 songs, 4 graphic novels, and a Burger King action figure retelling how many times he got shot.

Adding to this, it has been brought to my attention that his new "book", From Crack to More to Crack: I Sold Crack in Queens, is the must-read hip-hop "book" of the year. I foolishly thought it was Rakim Told Me or something. But alas, I came to realize that who gives a fuck about actual good music? FCtMC:ISCiQ is the fairy tale of the year - if I was literate I would soooo read it.

Jorge Ben is a pretty cool duke (No homo)

2005-09-05T12:27:00.000-05:00

"The rate of violent crime is exceptionally high. There has also been a relatively high rate of violent attacks on tourists, especially in remote places and in the capital, Guatemala City, especially after dark. Visitors need to be particularly vigilant in the central Zone 1 of Guatemala City where most of the cheap hotels and bus terminals are, and in all parts of the city at night."

I just found this while searching for a download of ~~HOT LESBIANS DRINKING COFFEE!~~ educational calculator programs, and I just noticed that that's where I lived - Zone 1. That is where I was most of the summer, cause my cousins live now - they actually live in the same house I lived in - they have the same neighbors we used to have.

It's kinda cool when the travel guides say your neighborhood is especially gully.

Whitewater's Weekly Burning Questions

2005-09-01T18:36:00.000-05:00

Another week, another round of tough questions that require tough answers. Without further ado...

What's more toast: Bob Huggins's Cincinnati tenure or a Peruvian plane?

Who's the most washed up: Natalee Holloway, a New Orleans bum, or Maurice Clarett?

Which bitch would you least want to catch the eye of?

Worst show ever: Chaotic or Britney in Vegas?

What's more resistant: the metal on top of the Superdome or the metal in the chest of the white trash pictured above?

What will prove to be the biggest source of anarchy in 2005?

Bin Laden Tries to Poison Our Llello

2005-08-30T16:58:00.000-05:00

Shit, man. You believe this Bin Laden dude? Poisioning our cocaine supply??? How dare that motherfucker. How can us Americans live without a good, healthy shot of cocaine???

Don't think cause his plot fell through the first time it won't work the second, or the third.

And then, what will crackho's, the Motley Crue and our President do?

I mean, am I the only one who fears that I may be snorting poisoned cocaine instead of our usual, healthy cocaine? What kind of sick world are we coming to? This shit has to stop.

Some suggest we should just snort dirt, like the cavemen did. But I think that if we stopped snorting llello, then the terrorists have truly won. Our President probably will survive thanks to his secret stash (CIA HQ), but what about the porn industry?

They would be at a standstill!!! I mean, "actresses" all'a sudden remembering where they are and headin home...a real tragedy.

And really, that sucks, man. Actually, that doesn't suck. However, it is bad that the'y wouldn't suck anymore. Matter of fact, the only sucking they'll be doing is with a vacuum cleaner...and not the good kinda sucking either - not like in "Vaccum Cleaner Fantasies, vol 12"!

But fear not, my friends, I have a plan. Let's dig up ODB's and Rick James's bodies...that's probably a goldmine right there.

Another day, another blogger my mother would holla

2005-08-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

Check out yours truly's newest guest shot, over at Sean's Hip Hop Album Reviews. Not only that, but check out the new fly-ass logo I made for the blog.

Anyhoo, that's Sean site, so i wont be reviewing salsa, trip-hop, dance, metal, punk, alternative, jazz, funk, etc. there. You can still find that here. But i'll be doing the bulk of my hip hop reviews over there.

Thats all, children.

Rakim signed with No Limit?!??!?!

2005-08-28T20:01:00.000-05:00

UPDATED: Appearently, my theory was correct, it was an April Fool's joke, but http://illadelphiahiphop.com/ has it on its fuckin front page. Props to the Internets' most hated man for the confusion.

HERE IS MY ORIGINAL REACTION, SO YOU CAN LAUGH AT ME:

Say it aint so!

According to SOHH.com and similarly terribly-written websites, Rakim Allah has signed to Master P's No Limit Records.

Is this some belated April Fool's Joke or are we suppossed to break down crying and throw several bitch fits? This becomes especially shocking considering the latest rumour was that he was going to sign to Talib Kweli's record company, Blacksmith or whatever it's called.

The record allegedly will feature all kinds of no-talents such as Mo.B Dick, Mia X, Silkk the Shocker and the like. Now, when Rakim recorded that video with the gold teeth saying some BULLshit for that company, and appearing in Juelz Santana music videos and that kind of stupid shit, some of us may have questioned "the God."

But signing to No Limit? That's a fallen hero for alotta people.

BTW, didnt Master Percy himself make a cover of "Paid in Full," except he changed the words so that it would be about selling crack? Or am I the one who's on crack?

Not A Scoop

2005-08-28T14:17:00.000-05:00

And just like that, I'm back to posting shit. Kenn Starr, PG County's finest, from that one song "If" with Asheru and Kweli, had this to say about the Mos Def/Snowflake situation:

"As far as i know, yeah, [it's] just a rumor."

So there ya go, Mos may not even have been all that lucky.

Blogs are for nerds, losers, and the like

2005-08-28T11:57:00.000-05:00

Yknow what I just noticed? Blogs are for cotdamn losers.

And all you might be askin, "well, djx, arent you calling yourself a loser, given that you have this 8 month old blog or whatever that I love so dearly?"

And then I would answer, "No, anonymous fangirl. I am not calling myself a loser, just saying I have something that alot of losers have. For example, watchin Star Wars doesnt make you a nerd even if Star Wars is for nerds. Get what I'm sayin'?

"But, looking for girl bloggers who might be willing to engage in some blog anal these recent days, I found out theyre the type of beeyotches who read the Harry Potter books twice - nerds. And not even those kinda hot nerds, but the fat nerds.

"Also, I found several older women who were supporting men monetarily and expecting sex in return, which is totally OK if you're a guy, but women? I thought cha'll were like, smart or something. A similar blog talked about consuming the llello, which is just sad.

"So now that we established that alotta people on this blog shit are nerds or losers or fat or ugly, or all 4 (actually, for the most part its all 4), I gotta say, thats it.

"I'm very seriously considering retiring this blog shit. Ive had a very successful run considering the complete lack of effort and funds I put into this. Honestly tho, now knowing how the blog world works, I gotta say that if what I wanted was success, I woulda pretended I was a 19 year old hot girl, with pics stolen from a myspace acct, and talk about how much sex I have. Idiot men love those blogs. And, appearently, women do, too. I thought cha'll were like, smart or something."

Quit bein all Hatian' on Mos

2005-08-27T12:02:00.000-05:00

So Mos "Miss Fat Booty" Def got out and married a white girl he just met.

All I gotta say is:
BIG MUTHAFUCKIN UPS, MOS! (nhjic)

Okay, let's get the facts together. Mos "Brown Skin Lady" Def, according to experts (i.e. random females) is ugly as hell. They have compared him to those toy monkeys that bang 2 plates together. You know the ones.

Remember, in the movie "Brown Sugar," Mos "Black on Both Sides" Def had trouble getting together with Queen Latifah. Old, ugly, fat lady.

So under this conditions, given the chance, wouldnt you be all "baby white girl, oh please would you marry me?" to the cracka beeyotch as fast as you fuckin can? Would you give a fuck if you rapped about "Miss Fat Booty" 8 years ago or whatever?

No, and neither would Mos "I'm blacker than midnight" Def. So quit being all Hatian on Mos "Black Jack Johnson" Def.

No Hatian, congratulation. Just say props, Mos "BlackStar" Def.

At least it wasn't DJ "Sweet Black Pussy" Quik.

Johnny Whitewater's Burning Questions

2005-08-25T19:11:00.000-05:00

If you're like me and you follow current events, there have been many things to talk about and wonder about.

So each week, in conjunction with my own site which nobody goes to, I will post a series of questions that I'd like the answers to in our increasingly strange world.

Anyway on to this week's Burning Questions:

What's faker: Lance Armstrong's Tour results or Tara Reid's tits?

Real Worlder ~~Uday's corpse~~ (no necro just in case) Lacy stunned the world by introducing her parapalegic boyfriend Ryan on an episode a week ago. Which works worse: Ryan's legs or Ryan's eyes?

What's smaller: Rafael Palmeiro's steroids shriveled genitalia (major no homo) or Deuce Bigalow's market share?

Who should have pulled out earlier: the Israelis in Gaza or Keven Federline's father?

Who will be the biggest bomb of the year: the "revamped" Miami Heat or an Islamic terrorist?

Who's the truest warrior: Cindy Sheehan's son or

Donkey Pron

2005-08-25T01:36:00.000-05:00

I keep getting sidetracked. I was checking out my sitemeter because, well, I'm curious about who still visits my site, even though I haven't updated it in awhile. I usually find new links to some interesting weblogs. And sometimes I find shit like this. No offense, but this shit is classic. I was literally laughing out loud when I read this shit. And the youngblogger has got to be our very own, Zodiac aka DJ Xplicit.

I like how she's trying to save Xplicit from some adult molestation, and Xplicit's in strict celebrity stalker mode, pretty much going off the deep end. She's trying to get him off the subject of porn, and he keeps bringing that shit up. By the end, you can tell she's pretty much freaked out, and the youngblogger is throwing man rape at him or her, I'm assuming it's a her. Of course it ends with a link to my site, which is kind of good. Bad publicity is better than no publicity. Damn straight, funny read. Check it out.

P.S. I'm coming to get you. Hee-hee.

Amen, beyotches!

2005-08-24T19:53:00.000-05:00

I read somewhere that words hurt. If that's true, I tend to hurt beyotches on a daily basis. I think I hurt three beyotches today. I guess that makes me a pimp.

Maybe it was something else. Maybe I read that words define thoughts, and thoughts define actions. I know I just heard that shit from my man, Creflo Dollar. I watch that dude almost every other weekend. I watch him and that Opie Southern white boy. And I also watch that blabbering old man, the one with the son who preaches his sermons with a hip-hop overtone. I watch all that spiritual shit. That's because I'm trying to get back right with the Lord.

For so long, I wasn't down with Baby Jesus. It started in my late teens. I started questioning all that biblical shit. Like, was Jesus really the Messiah? Did he really return from the dead? What about all that transmogrification shit. Or Moses separating the Red Sea. How about all life coming from Adam and Eve. Did Eve have to fuck her own children, or were there other people? And what about Noah's Ark, the whole two of everything business. Then how did the world repopulate so fast. I just had all these bogus questions. And the Bible ain't exactly the first place to go to answer most of these questions in a logical way. That's why people need faith to believe.

Religion is one big fuckin' "Trust Me" pact. Religion pretty much says, "Most of this shit don't make sense, but if you believe in this bullshit, and try to get other people to believe in this bullshit, God will love you." And in Christianity, God rewards blind trust with ever-ending life. Most people believe that's a good trade off, at least to the point where they can half-ass their way into heaven. You know, believe the shit, go to church on Sunday, and sin and piss on their beliefs throughout most of the weekday. That's why we have the divorce rates we have, the abortion rates, the teen pregnancies, the unmarried sexual relationships, the lying, the cheating, the stealing. Do you think devil worshippers are doing all of this shit? Nope. So-called God-fearing people are pulling this bullshit.

Politicians, celebrities, teachers, students, and parents: all fornicators. I don't know why it surprises people that Gay people still think they can be gay and have a cool relationship with God. Yeah, God calls gay love an abomination. But Jesus wipes away the sins of gay love, at least until you stick the next dick up the next male ass. But it's okay. Because God forgives all sins, even the ones we purposely commit over and over again. I guess when the Almighty lets you out so easily, no wonder people keep flocking to become "born-again."

"Born-again." You fake ass fucks. It was primarily because of this that I had to separate myself from God. I couldn't continue being a fake ass mothafucka. I know all the shit I do. And I make no illusions to myself that "God" is cool with all that shit. I'm a man of my word. You either roll with the Messiah, or you do your own shit, because, in the end, you really can't have it both ways.

God believes in free will. So, do I. It's one of the reasons the world is as fucked up as it is. You think God's the problem. Nope. How about the devil? Dude, the devil is a non-factor. The devil is all about suggestions. And he hasn't been on Earth for some time. All bad actions on Earth come from man. If the world is so fucked up, it's because we made it that way. It's our fault. We need to accept responsibility and start fixing that shit. We need to stop all that praying to a God that won't help you, and finally start doing shit. The only help you'll ever get from God is in that book you supposedly read on a regular basis. That's all God left for you. He made you no promises, outside, that if you follow his word, your life will be good, relatively speaking.

I don't know if God exists or not. What I do know is, if he exists, he ain't gonna do shit for you or me, because he hasn't done shit for you or me. Why? Again, God believes in free will. God believes that words define thought, and thoughts define actions. The battle ain't over doing shit, or not doing shit. The battle is over thinking shit, and not thinking shit. How you think, defines who you are. What you say, what you read, defines who you are. So, when the end comes, all that will matter is who the fuck you really think you are.

So what if Andy Milonakis dies?

2005-08-24T00:09:00.000-05:00

Its not like he ever contributed anything worthwhile to society.

If he dies, so be it. No one will miss him too much.

As a matter of fact, maybe, Speed is right, and he should get brain cancer, or whatever he said.

Is Nas teh ghey?

2005-08-23T08:34:00.000-05:00

Now, we all know that the man known as Nasir Jones is one of the best rappers ever, some would sasy, the best ever (and theyre wrong!) but thats not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that the guy has revealed some pretty..uh, teh ghey things about himself (NULLUS!) thru his rhymes.

Now, some may point to his daughter or his wife, so he might be bi, or a closeted gay guy, or hell, he just might be straight with teh ghey tendencies. But isnt a staraight guy with gay tendencies kind of gay anyways?

Anywy, this are some quotes that can explain better what im talkin about.

"Bitches put they tongues where the sun ain't shinin"
-From "I Really Want to Show You" off of Biggie's "Born Again" album

So here, Nasir gets on a Biggie song to hint at the fact that he likes his, yknow, ass licked. No homo. But then..

"I had bad chicks that blow cum bubbles like bubblegum / Plus they ass lick"
-From "Nazareth Savage" off of Street's Disciple

This one is alot more explicit, i mean, there's no more straight up saying it than "they ass lick."

"Chelsea used to tell me choke her while I stroke her / Stuck a Heineken bottle up in the ass, a real joker / Used to run my bubble bath, tons of laughs, sexy chick / Mad skills, she used to try to eat my excrement"
-From "Remember the Times" off of Street's Disciple

I'm not even sure what the fuck this is. Who stuck bottles up who's ass? She tried eating your shit? WTF?

"Your girl wanna lick honey out my crack/ I fart in your bitch mouth, she called me psychic/ cos I knew she would like it"
-From "Millenium Thug" from Funk Flex & Big Kap present: The Tunnel

Okay, well this is similarly disturbing. I doubt there are any girls out there who get sexual pleasure when you pass wind into their mouth, and i doubt there's really a straight dude out there who enjoys food bein stuck up his ass and then a tongue used to remove it.

If Nas is teh ghey, or bi, he should just say so, and the hip-hop community would understand and respond:

"Well, we accept gay dudes alll the time, (see: TGW, Jay-Z & Memph) but at least those motherfuckers dont brag about it in explicit detail, you fuckin' fag!"

Smells Like Teen Grit

2005-08-22T04:12:00.000-05:00

Today, I planned on continuing my series on man rape. But I got sidetracked, sidetracked by some ass. I was looking through one of my free magazines. I think it was Blender. But it could've been Maxim, or Stuff, or FHM, one of those lad mags. They all look the same. I was going through the mag, when I ran across this picture of this Mari chick, the one that's supposed to be the new Princess of Roc-A-Fella. There was this interview accompanied by this hot ass picture of her. She was in some kind of short black dress, something like a French maid's outfit. Man. She was looking killer. The only downside was that it said in the article that she was seventeen. You know, borderline jailbait.

It still didn't stop me from thinking dirty thoughts about her, sort of like when Britney first came out, or recently, Lindsay Lohan. By the way, Lindsay Lohan looks kind of fucked up these days, doesn't she? Sort of like Britney with her big fat belly, and Christina, with her big fake giant titties on that small rail-thin body. All those old pop chicks look kind of shitty, except maybe Jessica Simpson. But I'm not really a Jessica Simpson fan. Her body's kind of tight, but her face is straight dookie, white dookie with a blond wig on top. But, there's no such thing as white dookie. There's light brown dookie, and green dookie, but no white dookie. At least I don't think.

Anyway, getting back to this Mari chick. By the way, I'll probably keep calling her "this Mari chick" because I don't know how to spell her first name. Getting back to her. I thought she was so hot that when I got my Internet connection back, I had to look her up. I hit Google and did an Internet search, hoping that I might find more dirty pictures of her. First I hit the "images" part of Google, then I hit the main search engine. And guess what. After all that searching, I didn't find much of anything. It was the same shit over and over again. The same fuckin' TRL photos.

This tells me that those boys over at Def Jam ain't really putting much into this Mari chick. Apparently, her album came out recently, the album I can't quite name right now. (Joke) And it ranked pretty high on Billboard. But so what, everything ranks high on Billboard in its first week. Let's see where she's at by the beginning of September. I bet her shit barely goes gold. Why? Because even though this Mari chick has Jay-Z backing her, and that Def Jam machine, nobody really is talking about her. Sure, she's getting a review here or there, and the adolescents seem to love her, which is a shame because that little beyotch's mouth is filthier than mine. Nigga this, nigga that. Shit here, shit there. It's outrageous. I'm stupified.

She's also supposed to have a single out, one, which I don't think I've heard. But that's probably because I don't listen to the radio that much, at least not unless I'm driving, or not unless I'm in front of my computer. I have one of those TV/FM tuner cards. I tend to listen to the radio during those oft-times when there isn't anything worth downloading. Apparently, her single has been out for awhile. Still, I have yet to see it on MTV or BET, and I don't think I've heard it on the radio. But that's probably because I tend to flip through the radio stations very quickly, and often. I just don't waste time listening to commercials and deejay speak. If a song I'm listening to goes off, and another song I like doesn't come on right after, I switch to another station. If a deejay doesn't blabber over the beginning of the song with the artist's name and song title, or if he doesn't get it in quickly at the end, I just don't get it. The song has to be pretty catchy for me to stay around and listen to bullshit deejay speak. I just don't play that.

So, I might have heard her shit and I just don't know it. But it's probably not that great of a song or I would know if I've heard it by now, or at least if I've seen a video of it. How hard is it not to get your video played on BET constantly. Show a little belly, a little ass, some cleavage, and hop your half-naked ass around a little, and at least your shit gets on 106th and Park. Problem is, I don't watch 106th and Park. Or TRL, which may be where it's also getting play. Too bad though. I guess this Mari chick is kind of fucked. Because if I don't know about your shit, your shit ain't shit.

I'm not Dick Clark or anything. But I'm sort of the standard for how popular a songs gonna be, outside of country music. It's not because I'm all influential and shit. It's just that I'm the demographic for how hot shit's gonna be. I'm in that 18-34 year range. I'm what all the networks, and cable stations, and radio stations clamor for. I'm the crack of statistical advertisement data. If me and my people don't give a fuck about you, nobody's gonna give a fuck about you, at least when it's all said and done. So, if I don't know a lot of shit about this Mari chick, then, most likely, other people in my demographic don't know a lot of shit about this Mari chick. And that means that this Mari chick ain't going too far.

Now you may say that just may not be the case with music. Just look at such talents as Bow Wow, Justin Timberlake, Hillary Duff and Omarion. You may say that they all have staying power, and no one over eighteen really supports them. Look at what big stars they are. Yep. Just look at those assholes. Trust me kiddies, when you get older, you're going to feel dirty and ashamed for propping up these whores for all these years. I know these things. I actually have MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice tapes in my collection. And I feel like shit by just mentioning that to you. Give it a few years, you'll eventually be holding your head in shame like me. Trust me.

Now back to this Mari chick. I'm not trying to piss on this chick, at least not yet. Maybe if I happen to meet her, and have a few glasses of Pepsi in me. Just maybe. Anyway. I don't want bad things for this Mari chick, if only because she looks too much like Beyonce, and Beyonce is a piece of ass. You just can't have too many beyotches who look like Beyonce. You know what I'm saying. And if she happens to fail early, I won't get to experience all the bad slutty fashion choices she's bound to make. But, unfortunately, in my bones, or in my boner, I can feel it. This Mari chick ain't going too far. And that's too bad, because she looks kind of nice, for jailbait that is.

The fact that she's seventeen sort of drops her on the hot meter. I just don't like feeling bad when I'm thinking dirty thoughts about a chick. I figure if you're gonna be hot, then you should have enough sense to be over 18 and not be married or a nun, or some other dumb shit like that. It's like this old NYPD Blue episode. They had one of these hot chicks I've seen before on other shows and in the videos playing a retard. These dudes get over on the retard, you know, talk her ass into giving them blow jobs and shit. You know, like in real life. And her mother goes off on her for being a retard slut. And I think in the end, she jumps off a building, or some shit like that. The point I'm getting at is that retards shouldn't look hot. And if they do look hot, expect dudes to try to get her retard ass to give up the, uh, you know, ass. Because that's what dude's are supposed to do. That's how God made us. If it werent for that, man probably wouldn't be the most dominant species on this planet. It's predestined.

That's why it's bad for underage teen-age girls to be hot. What's a teen-ager anyway but a retarded adult. And just because you're "not quite there yet" in the head shouldn't stop a man like me from fulfilling his godly duties. That's why most teen-age girls usually get pregnant by fucked up dudes that are twenty years and older like myself. A dude in his twenties can't help it more than most dudes. It's because twenty-year-old balls are filled to the maximum with the jizzum, and we need massive amounts of release, preferably in a massive amount of varied cootchie. And just because you might be "too young," and possibly be a "retard" shouldn't stop a man like me from doing what God put me on this Earth to do.

In fact, it's your fault if I happen to allegedly bust one in your adolescent ass. You shouldn't have that nice round ass, or those nice juicy titties. If I happen to fuck you up like a crazy white hoe teacher in a middle school, then that's on you, not me, especially my jizzum... On you, not... you know... on me.