Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The First Family (NSFW)

I recently pitched an idea for a new television show to one of the major studios. I won't tell you which company it was so as not to attribute retardedness to their nature. But needless to say, they told me that they would get back to me within a week. I feel pretty positive about the whole endeavor. I think big things could come of it. At least I hope so, because I would rather not have to go through another presentation any time soon.

bushsatanhorns2.jpgI was actually quite freightened to tell you the truth. I stood in my nice, wool, gray, pin-striped suit, sweating immensely, trying at best to seem professional. And before me sat (name omitted), who seemed rather disinterested in anything I had to say. He had relayed to me recently that he and his company were not looking for the family friendly material I had previously pitched his way. He said he could only greenlight something new and edgy, something with young hip mass appeal. And I told him soon after, that I believed I had come up with something in that vein.

So, that day, I stood before him ready to present what I had previously inferred over the phone would be the greatest new show of the fall season. And I do believe I did my best to engage Mr. (name omitted) to give my idea a fighting chance.

Below is a simple retelling of my proposal:


The first episode, we meet Heathcliff Cosbowl Bush, a lawyer for a large oil company. He has a doctor for a wife, and her name is Laura. And the two of them have two daughters, one son, and a dog named Clipper. The daughters' names are Jen and Randy. Jen is 16, and Randy is eight. The son's name is Malcolm. Malcolm has a best friend who goes by the name of Roach Clip. They are all introduced to the viewing public by myself, who will play the role of the omniscient voiceover.

The first episode starts with Heathcliff and Felicia having sex in their bedroom. Heathcliff is giving Felicia anal. Felicia, due to excitement, loses control of her bowels and proceeds to defecate in the bed. The large mound of shit pushing against his penis causes Heathcliff to jump up, and in the process, he falls out of the bed, cracking his noggin wide open, exposing blood and brain matter.

Jen comes in after hearing the fall and sees her mother, ass up, with fecal matter all about the bed; and her father, Heathcliff, on the floor, with brain matter exposed, and still stiff from arousal. Seeing the image, Jen starts rubbing her nipples through her t-shirt. And soon after, she jumps in the bed herself, taking large clumps of shit to her face and mouth. She soon begins taking it in nasally, sniffing the shit through her nose like cocaine.

Heathcliff rises off the floor. He goes to the closet and pulls out a crack vial. He lights it up and starts smoking up a large rock of crack. He then passes the pipe to his wife and jumps on the back of his daughter. At this point he begins hitting Jen from the back, anally.

The mother, with one hand holding the crack pipe to her mouth, begins masturbating with the other after becoming aroused from seeing her husband hit her daughter from the back. Jen begins screaming in esctasy, yelling, "Fuck me, Bill! Oh, fuck me, Bill!" From which her father replies, "My name ain't Bill! Who the fuck is Bill? "

The noise awakens Malcolm, who was asleep next to his friend, Roach Clip, after both partook in a heated display of circle-jerking to a Punk'd marathon on MTV.

bushsatan-horns.jpgMalcolm runs to his parent's bedroom and beholds the sight of Jen's intake of fecal matter while being rimmed from the back by their father. He further beholds his mother digging herself out while smoking the crack pipe. The image causes him to vomit about the floor. He soon loses control of his bowel movements also and proceeds to shit about himself.

He runs downstairs to the kitchen, his boxers drooping from the shit. From a drawer, he removes a cleaver. He runs back upstairs in hopes of ending the madness. When he arrives, he finds that Randy has joined into the fray. Randy is giving their mother oral while her mother urinates in her mouth. Malcolm, overcome with grief, starts screaming loudly.

Shaking greatly, Malcolm reaches into his boxers and pulls out his penis. He takes the knife to himself and quickly castrates himself. His bloody hand lets loose of the appendage, and the penis falls to the floor. Soon after, Clipper, approaches and starts gnawing on it. Malcolm then takes the knife and stabs it deep into each of his eye sockets. He soon falls to the floor, red and bloody.

Afterwards, Clipper walks up to Malcolm, partaking of the vomit first, and soon after, inserts his erect penis into Malcolm's eye socket. And in wildly controlled motion, he proceeds to fuck Malcolm in his blackened eyes.

Roach Clip, who was fast asleep in Malcolm's room, finally comes out. He sees before him, his best friend on the floor being fucked in his eye socket by the family dog. And this makes Roach Clip aroused. He quickly jumps over Malcolm and the dog, and crouches behind Clipper. He pulls out his penis and begins fucking the dog in the ass. The dog howls feverishly to the tune of Blue Moon.

Soon after, I join into the scene, playing the role of Satan. I'm dressed in a red pajama suit, with cheap plastic devil horns atop my head. In one of my hands is a canister of gas fuel, in the other, a cheap plastic red pitchfork. I pour the canister of gas all about the room of fornicators. And then I proceed with my lines:


There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."


That's when I flick open a cigarette lighter and drop it to the floor. This lights the fuel, and the entire bedroom begins to burn in a blaze of red fire. Soon, the whole house follows, smoke filling the night air. From the devastation, I walk out with the severed head of Clipper raised before me. I take a bite from the dogs head and drop it about my feet.

With my mouth filled with blood, and my body charred and blackened by raging flames, I look before the neighborhood folk, wave, and speak: "That's all folks. Tune in next week for more."


At this point, I paused, my back to Mr. (name omitted), my arms stretched wide in triumph. I carefully lowered them, making sure to turn slowly before him, hoping for some response, rather positive or negative, although I hoped it was the latter.

For the longest time, he sat silently, with his hand to his face, a finger tapping about his lips.

And suddenly, he spoke, "Amazing! That's one hell of a show! What do you call it?"

And I stood before him proudly, proclaiming victoriously, "The First.. Family."

13 Comments:

Blogger Zodiac Digital said...

not "The Aristocrats"?

9:41 AM  
Blogger Zodiac Digital said...

also, what the fuck?

9:44 AM  
Blogger Doc Savage said...

I wanted something that was somewhat modern. "Aristocrats" sounds a little outdated. So, I chose what I thought was an American version of it.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Young'un said...

Well, all I have to ask is...where's Jesus? You can't have the First Family without Jesus!

9:43 PM  
Blogger Doc Savage said...

Hmmmm. I see a sequel in the future.

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