Monday, June 05, 2006

X-Crap: The Last Dump

I saw X-Men: The Last Stand, and let me start by saying that this isn't the worst movie I have ever seen. I guess that isn't a glowing endorsement, but it's the best I can do.

The movie starts off, ummm, it starts off, ummmmm, I forgot how it started off. Oh yeah. It starts off with Magneto and Professor X going to meet a young Jean Grey. Little Jean Grey is somewhat arrogant, and flaunts her powers by lifting up every car in the neighborhood.

Afterwards, stuff happens elsewhere, stuff I can't remember. I think we see Hank McCoy in some government meeting, and the X-people are practicing in the Danger Room in some apocolyptic simulation. Oh yeah, I forgot the part about a young Warren Worthington III cutting off the feathers of his wings, and then his father walks in and finds out that he's a mutant. This is a pretty important scene because it sets up the motivation of Warren's father for creating this cure.

Cure, you say? Yeah, there's this kid who has the ability to kill the mutant gene, at least temporarily. Warren's father uses the kid to create some vaccine for the government. And of course, this pisses of Magneto, who gets together another group of evil mutants -- Juggernaut, Callisto, Pyro, and somebody else who I can't remember -- to get the kid from the labs where the government is hiding him. I think it's Alcatraz.

Now, getting back to the X-Men. Cyclops, who is still crying and all, goes riding on his bike back up to the lake where Jean Grey was killed. He shoots out an optic beam, and all of a sudden a whirlpool appears. And guess who pops out of the whirlpool? You guessed it, Jean Grey. Jean Grey goes to Scott and tells him to take off his glasses, and then we see Scott's eyes.

At this time, this dude I was with started talking about Dallas and Miami. I'm thinking, what the hell's going on? I don't wanna talk basketball in the middle of the movie, although this wasn't really the middle of the movie. Still, it distracted me for a couple of minutes. By the time I get back into the movie, they're back at the mansion, and Hank McCoy has gone to see Professor X. He tells the Professor about the cure. And then Professor X stops him and tells Storm and Wolverine, who were there also, to go get Jean Grey. I guess he felt that she was alive or something.

So, Wolverine and Storm go get Jean Grey from out the woods, but there's no Cyclops. They take her back to the mansion and Professor X puts her on strap down. Wolverine wonders why the Professor is doing this crap. And the Professor reveals that back in the day, when Jean Grey was a kid, he put mental roadblocks in her brain so she wouldn't be able to use all her powers. He didn't think that she would be able to control them. But the roadblocks caused a problem, it split her personality in two. The less powerful Jean Grey was normal and well adjusted, but the more powerful Jean Grey, who called herself Phoenix, was extremely powerful but overly overcome by her emotions, displaying great happiness and anger, sort of like some bi-polar schizophrenic.

The two stories collide when Wolverine causes Jean Grey to awake. She makes out with Wolvie, then leaves him knocked out on the floor. The Professor and the rest of the X-Men find him, and soon rush to her childhood home after the Professor gets another brain fart. At the same time, Callisto, who can read mutants and their powers, gets a brain fart also, and tells Magneto. Magneto knows who it is she's reading and rushes to get her for himself.

The two groups collide in Jean Grey's old house, but then she goes off and starts throwing everything all around, including people. This leads to her killing Professor X, I think. Because one minute he's there, and the next, his chair is empty. So, I don't know. But I assume he''s dead, like Cyclops, because now everybody is saying he' s dead. Magneto then convinces her to go off with him, and they all leave together.

Back at the mansion, Storm, Beast and Wolverine talk about closing the school, but they decide no when Angel, aka a teen-aged Warren, appears at their doorsteps asking for a place to stay. They all decide to keep the school open, and I think Beast goes back to the president to tell him that he's riding with the X-Men exclusively for the time being.

There's also this crappy sub-plot concerning Iceman, Kitty Pryde and Rogue. Rogue can't touch anyone or she sucks their minds dry. She likes Iceman. Iceman supposedly likes her back, but he also seems to be getting all close to Kitty Pryde as well. So, Rogue decides to go visit the kid to get her powers wiped out.

Anyway, stuff happens, which leads to Magneto and the Evil Mutants going to the facilities to get the kid. The government gets together an army with some of that serum for weapons. And all hell breaks loose. And then the X-men show up and they fight the Evil Mutants. Of course, the Evil Mutants lose, and Magneto is stabbed with the serum by the Beast, which turns Magneto into a normal human being.

Afterwards, Jean Grey goes crazy after the army dudes start attacking her. Wolverine tells Storm to get everybody out. Then, Wolverine confronts her. He eventually gets close enough to her so he can stab her with his claws. She dies again, and all is right with the world.

Personally, you'd think with all that action that I wouldn't have gotten bored by this crap. But as the ending was approaching, I found myself taking a couple of little naps in my sleep. It just felt like this movie dragged on too long, even though I think it only went like an hour and a half or more.

Another problem was that there were way too many characters. Many of the former characters were killed or taken out early in the movie. Mystique loses her powers early in the film when Magneto busts Juggernaut and Callisto out of prison. She's shot with a dart. Of course, the Professor and Cyclops also die early in the film. And Rogue disappears midway through.

In the end, this is really a Wolverine movie, with flashes of Iceman, Pyro and Magneto. Also, Beast gets a lot of screen time. So, I don't know. I just felt like there was way too much crap going on that I could really give a damn about. Even the Jean Grey story took seconds to all that mutant vaccine crap. I personally wish that they had just left Magneto out of it. And maybe fired Halle Barry, because I still think she sucks as an actress even with the Academy Award.

In the end, I can't recommend this crap. For the average kiddie movie goer, they'll probably love it. It's action packed with a lot of violence and Hugh Jackman grunting loud with the claws out. And I guess that's what the kids want to see. So, whatever.

P.S. I also saw Syriana for the second time, and I still don't know what the hell is going on. I know the Arab wants to sell to the Chinese. The US don't like that, so they put out a hit on him. This Bob dude is supposed to connect with this other Arab dude, but he's doublecrossed, because Arab two is working for Arab one. Bob is hung out to dry by the government. So, they go to plan B and kill the Arab by satellite. I get all that. But I didn't get any of that lawyer crap. Who does the black dude work for? I get that he's investigating someone, but who, I can never tell. And who does Damon work for? And what are the two Arabs back in Arabland doing? I don't know. What's on first?


Blogger Big Walt said...

The best part of that movie was when Juggernaut did that "I'm the Juggernaut bitch!" thing.

Oh and when my little brother grabbed some random dude's beverage cup (nullus) and refilled it on the way out. That little dude is gangsta.

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