Thursday, May 04, 2006

Give Me Death

I can understand why Zacarias Moussaoui wasn't sentenced to death. I mean, the dude wanted to die. Sure, I doubt if he wanted to be strapped to a table and have a needle holding chemical death inserted into his arm, but still, dying by US Government hands was better than nothing. And now he has to live out his life in prison knowing how miserably he failed, that he won't die a martyr, and will live out his life a loser. No virgins in heaven for him.

Funny how not killing a man could be construed as being a greater punishment. But I feel that way everyday. Because life is a bitch. It sucks whatever joy and amazement you're born with and leaves your soul empty and blackened. How else can you explain old people, who once were happy and vital, having their last days living crippled and bitter.

I see it all the time, especially with my grandmother. She had a stroke a couple of years ago. And she should be dead. The stroke, or strokes because she had one major stroke and several minor ones, took her out, one happening right after the other like an earthquake with aftershocks. It pretty much left her mentally debilatated. This was a woman who took care of herself, paid her own bills, drove her own car, deep into her eighties. And now she slouches around pissing and drooling on herself.

I guess I know why she's pissed off most of the time. I bet it's an embarrassment, the way she is. And she can't really take out her anger on anyone but those around her. And yet, she doesn't realize that we're the main reason she's still alive. Or, maybe, deep down she knows this. Maybe that's why she stays so angry at me and my mother. We're the main reason she's still alive, and she doesn't like that one bit.

I remember seeing this South Park episode where one of the kid's grandparents is constantly asking the kid to kill him. I don't think most grandparents can bring themselves to ask their children to take them out.

Maybe it's guilt. Everybody knows how filthy our court system is. You could be doing your grandma a favor by putting that pillow over her head and sending her home to Baby Jesus. But that act of kindness could end with you getting locked up in jail. That's life for putting your grandma out of her misery.

And that saddens me. Because my grandma is suffering the same pain and humilation that terrorist feels daily. Everyday she has to live like some filthy murderer, the same woman who helped raise me, and made sure I was happy and taken care of when I was younger.

I guess, when I think about it like that, I can live with her contempt. She's earned it.


Anonymous Jaguar said...

You know what, I can't even rip you for this. For the first time I caught a small glimpse of why you seem so miserable and gloomy all the time. This was so sad I didn't know whether you needed a hug, a fuck, or maybe just an understanding ear. Whatever it is, I hope you find it soon. That was a nice show of humaness expressing your feelings for your grandma. That was super cool. Peace.

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