Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Sigh Awesomely

I wonder if Jesus ever felt like I do this very day. Who knows, he probably did, hanging from the cross with those nails in his feet and hands, looking up to the heavens knowing that he had just paid the price for all mankind. We always see him suffering, but maybe he was hanging there with a big smile on hisface. I mean Jesus was, or is, you know, God in the flesh. And why would God cry, except for the fact that his children had just nailed Him to the cross. I probably would cry over that to, or get really mad. I mean, if my kids were to ever nail me to a cross, I'd have to kick their asses. How the hell are you gonna nail me to a cross. I'm your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out. Damn kids. That's why I don't have any. You can't trust'em.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. My greatest moment, my greatest blah - blah - blah is forthcoming. I've been holding something back, and I'm finally about to unleash it upon the world. Trust me, what you are about to witness is greatness.

Let me explain. I got this piece ofwork that's sort of been sitting around my home. And I think I'm ready to show it to the entire world. "What is it?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I can tell you what it isn't. It isn't Ernest Hemingway. In fact, it isn't even James Patterson. Instead, this is something greater. To tell you the truth, this is something more special, something more stupendous, something more amazing, simply something completely awe-inspiring. And after I unleash it on you, you will not be able to wipe my glorious stickiness off of your being.

What, you may ask, am I possibly speaking of? Should I end a sentence with "of?" Isn't that like ending a sentence with a preposition? And that's frowned upon. Whatever. What I speak of, my friends, is my most precious work, the greatest thing that I have and will ever create. What I speak of is simply fiction, the greatest piece of fiction ever written by man, or possibly ape?

It might be the greatest piece of fiction ever written by mammal, or, uh, primate. No other works derived from the mind of a primate will ever reach the heights I plan to soar to when I present to the world my greatest accomplishment. The world will marvel. Or they will wish they had marveled. Or perhaps they will simply sigh exuberantly. No matter how they express their awe, it will surely show about their visage. Did I use that right? It doesn't even look like I spelled it right. No matter. Many of the great minds, such as I, could not spell worth a lick, and yet, they are considered some of the greatest minds inhistory. And therefore, one day, possibly the day after the "event," I will be seen in their league. I will be thought of as one of the great minds ever.

And the world will marvel at my feet. Or at least sigh awesomely. Whichever.

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